IT AIN’T HALF-BAKED MUM
Drippy/Fool first, I think. Drippy has obviously been ambushed by a Benefit make-up lady, because she’s slapping on the Dr Feelgood and consulting Teen over shades of lipstick. Curly notices that Drippy scrubs up well, and decides to move in on her, Teen heads him off, and Fool is free to carrying on gazing at her like some half-witted lemming. Ethel 2.0 notices that Fool is foolier than usual, and decides in her sweet little old lady way that it’s because he fancies Panto Jane. I’m not sure what she based her theory on – I think he might have smiled at her once. Panto Jane gets flustered and tells Drippy and there’s all sorts of non-comedy carrying-on as Drippy thinks that she has been betrayyyyed etc. Fool finally bites the bullet, drags Drippy to one side and consummates their passion with a quick knee-trembler on Loser’s Bench. Not really. He spins some nonsense about a man being connected to the woman he loves by a silver thread that is so fine that nobody trips up on it or something. I think he’s trying to say: "yes I fancy you something rotten, but I’m afraid that Big Mo will use my internal organs to redecorate her living room, so can we kind of be going out without telling anyone?” I think it was something like that because that’s the only thing that can explain the rest of the week’s skulking around, exchanging secret longing looks, and simpering. Not sure where Cute Baby Freddie is in all of this, but I am impressed at Drippy’s childcare arrangements that allow her to hang around markets all day and do her make-up.

Dot decides to get proper driving lessons from Melvyn Hayes, of all people. Well, he’d fit into her handbag and he’s very smiley. Dot loves him. Jim is jealous. Ummm…do the words “tree”, “barking”, “up” and “wrong” fit together to make a well-known phrase or saying?

Actually I’ve thought of a new soap game: 70s Sitcom Bingo. I’m still working on the rules, but when you can count more than four former stars of slightly rubbish 70s sitcoms (and Dad’s Army), shout House! This week we have Love Thy Neighbour, It Ain’t Half Hot Mum and Dad’s Army. It still doesn’t beat Brookie’s coup: nabbing the star of Randall & Hopkirk (Deceased) and making him marry the granny. You get extra points if they starred in a movie with Cliff and the Shads, though.

Poline spends the week trying to play MMartin and Moomin off against each other, but Moomin’s powers are particularly strong this week, and Poline’s face is getting too scary to live with. In the end MMartin says they’re moving out to live with Dot and Jim. Dot tries to make amends, but Poline’s in full-on Granny Frenzy and won’t listen to anyone.

Sham’s away…I dunno, in Rio, I presume. Anyway, burglars burglarise her flat, so Minty and LadyDen try to tidy up for her. LadyDen’s busy looking around for a can of Pledge when she finds the Dog of Doom in the cupboard under the sink. Honestly, Sham is such a total slattern that a) I don’t think she’d notice that burglars had been in, and b) she hasn’t even cleaned the bloody murder weapon. LadyDen throws some stuff around, and calls Teen over to help her “tidy up” while she hides the dog behind the curtain. I have absolutely no idea what is going on in that curly head of hers. Anyway, LadyDen compliments Teen on her ability to keep things going. Teen says her life is a living hell and she wishes it was over. Hmmm…OK. LadyDen washes the dog (no perfumes of Araby involved, by the look of it. Just an Addis brush and lots of elbow-grease) and hands it back to Poline. Then she stands Oden’s grave and gloats about what a brilliant baddy she is, and how much she’s enjoying her bad self.

Tony Bennett is a little fed up: young Davetta and ETina actually like each other and ETina keeps suggesting that Davetta joins them.TB thinks that communicating with children is Bad and Wrong, but reluctantly agrees to let Davetta tag along. Davetta turns up at ETina’s place with JoJo who immediately suggests: “Let’s look through her stuff! Yay!”. They do, and Davetta unearths a badly-Photoshopped picture of TB and ETina with 90s hair, in front of a beach scene. JoJo goes: “eek”, and Davetta starts asking questions. ETina breaks down within seconds of Davetta calling her a lying old whore, and confesses all. Davetta storms off home and has a go at TB. TB tells her not to talk about it because talking is wrong and messes up your head, and he pays psychiatrists to sort out her problems so he doesn’t have to talk to her. Davetta keeps on at him, and tells her that she knows that he wishes that the other daughter had survived and not him. TB: shocked and dismayed. Davetta runs outside, to find JoJo keeping an anxious vigil in the street. ETina creeps away, watched by Pat, who is sad.