GRAN ROYALE
Not off to a great start with this weekly malarkey as I was out on Monday and Friday. Doh.

Have you all been wondering what has been happening with the lovably proleteriat Dolescums? No, me neither. Mickney finds an old speak and spell machine or something and sets it up to read out letters to Keef. I read about this on the BBC website and it makes zero sense to me. Zero. Keef finds out that Dumber is in trouble at school and has to meet a teacher, who says that Dumber is falling behind with his readin’n’writin and needs extra help at home. Keef rolls his eyes as the plot cruelly exposes his achilles heel yet again. Keef says he will make Dumber work harder and sets up a special work area. He stands over Dumber with a whip shouting “read, dammit!” until Dumber runs off in a sulk. Dumber says he doesn’t see why he should learn to read if Keef can’t. In the end they agree that Dumber will try harder in school if Keef learns to read too. Finally.

Dot is determined to learn how to drive and browbeats Jim into teaching her. He tries to put her off and when that doesn’t work he sets up a fake car in the living room using household implements. Dot won’t put up with that and demands a real lesson. She is wearing a green coat with huge brass buttons, like she is in the WI platoon of the hussars, or something. Pike and TriniDad stand around laughing like fools while Dot grinds the gearbox and lurches round the Square. There is a lot of screeching from dot and forced hilarity from everyone else. Maybe the writers think we will find the plot funny if they have characters standing around laughing the whole time. They run out of petrol after 5 minutes, which turns out to be a cunning ruse by Jim to get out of the lesson. Dot then asks Pike to teach her and he reluctantly agrees. They get stuck behind a lorry and then Dot knocks over some flowers in the market when she tries to reverse. Any fule kno that for your first lesson the instructor drives you to a quiet residential area before letting you get behind the wheel. Dot is sad and downhearted and goes to the caff to cry – PantoJane asks what is wrong and tells her that she can do it and not to give up, blah blah blah empowerment etc. Jane gives Dot a lesson and goes a lot better – so much so that Dot decides to get a proper instructor.

Minty and AGarry go on a double date – Garry has arranged to see a nice young lady from speed dating (who is well up for it, as they say) who has brought a Lisa Riley-esque comedy fat bird along for Minty. Faux-Lisa’s rubenesque charms are obviously no match for A-Garry’s lean thighs etc so Minty strops off and AGarry goes after him, turning down a guaranteed shag so he can wrestle with Minty on the sofa while they pour lager on each other. No, I am not making that up.

ETina and Davetta get to know each other and it all seems to go pretty well, despite JoJo’s attempts to sabotage everything. ETina used to be a nightclub singer, apparently – go on, prove it. I won’t be satisfied that this is true until she sings a version of “I’ve never been to me” in the nightclub. Actually I missed all this so I have nothing else to report…

Martin goes off to Asif’s stag doo. Asif is going to be a very handy plot device for whenever Martin needs a week off in future – “Asif is having a baby and I’m the god father!” “Asif is in a coma and he needs familiar voices to read out the lyrics of his favourite Spice Girls songs to his slumbering form!” “Asif has been kidnapped and the criminal will only negotiate with Martin!” etc etc. Moomin is not looking forward to being stuck alone with Poline and wants to go and stay with Dot. Poline and Ian start plotting to find out where Chloe is living so she can see her and Poline is extra nice to Moomin out of guilt. Moomin feels guilty in turn and decides to stay in Poline’s house. Poline and Ian go into Go Go Gran Detective! mode and snoop around until they find Adoptogran’s address in Moomin’s Magical Hatbox of Memories. Panto jane finds out about all this and disapproves, until Ian gives a stirring speech about how Poline was always there for him when one of his many wives tried to have him killed or shagged a Mitchell or whatever. Jane agrees to help out of loyalty to Ian and the two of them go to Adopto-gran’s house and speak to her. Gran is saying “I don’t want anything to do with you mentalists, after that crazy Moomin lied to me!” and Ian is being a bit rubbish so Jane takes over – she says she knows the true meaning of grief after CJDave kicked the bucket last year and says that Chloe needs as much love as possible now that her parents are dead, and that Poline is another pool of love that Chloe could bathe in, or something, and also that BEALEMEISTER MUST NOT BE DEFIED. I don’t think anyone has ever called Poline a “pool of love” before – a “pool of bile” maybe. Gran agrees while Ian pulls gimpy faces in the background. I bet Jane is due for an extra dose of Bealemeister lovin’ tonight. Poline goes round for tea the next day and is very well behaved. AdoptoGran still won’t let her stay for the evening meal though. Poline goes home and tells Ian that she is now determined more than ever to get Chloe. Doh. Later on, Moomin finds out what Poline has done and they have another of their generic rows about what it means to be a real mum and love your baybay etc. Moomin cries a lot and makes mad faces, apparently.