DADLEY DO-RIGHT
I really really don't want to blog this week, and you all know why.

Soap women are either barren or so ridiculously fertile that all they have to do is stand in the same room as a Mitchell and paf! the bun is in the oven. Baking this week is JoJo, who's snapping everybody's head off, scowling and shouting NOOOOO! every time somebody mentions babies. I think it's the NOOOO! thing that arouses Davetta's suspicion. BroJo (hmmm...not bad. Bit Hollyoaks for my taste) finds out and gets curiously Victorian with Bradley, wanting to know his prospects and intentions towards his sister. I suppose this is completely in keeping with somebody who buggered off to Bosnia nine years ago, leaving his little sister to cope with her mad mother on her tod. Yep, I can believe that one, scriptwriters.

Bradley says he doesn't want to be a Dadley just yet, so could JoJo please do the sensible thing and get rid of it, please? Dadley suddenly turns from errant father into the Holy Pontiff (actually, I've seen it happen the other way...) and tells Bradley that he wanted Mumley to have an abortion at first, but then he saw Bradley's little ginger head and instantly fell in love with him. Bradley points out that he was so in love that he buggered off when Bradley was six, so way to go with the parental example, eh? Dadley says that the foetus is a human being, with blood and veins and little fingers and toes. Bradley, has enough of a grasp of elementary biology to ignore that argument and usher JoJo into the cab. I'm not quite sure how they manage to book a private abortion in under 24 hours without seeing a doctor (is Doktor Boden-Shirt back now that NotThatCute Doctor has run off?), having counselling or doing a proper pregnancy test, but JoJo is booked into the clinic and in that operation gown before you can say "morning sickness". The actors do the best they can with very dodgy material and the upshot is that JoJo tells everyone that she had a miscarriage, therefore still can't cope with baby stuff, and runs away every time she sees Phoney advancing on her, brandishing a newborn sleepsuit. And she can't stand the sight of Bradley. Bradley: sad.

Elsewhere Babs takes it upon herself to organise a 'surprise' wedding for Billy and Phoney because the other two attempts were so damn successful. But it does give the superfluous members of the cast something to do, I suppose. NotDavid Essex turns up and seems more interested in getting Babs alone among the optics than celebrating his daughter's wedding. There are non-comedy shenans when Phoney sells her wedding dress to Mo in order to buy an overpriced moses basket. Honestly love, John Lewis do them cheaper, and you can always put the kid in a drawer instead.

Kissing Syd the NotBrother takes SJ's special wedding outfit money off her to put on the 3.30 at Wincanton, which romps home. Meanwhile SJ wheedles more outfit money out of Minty. AGarry finds out about Syd's betting shop-related deception and scowls self-righteously.

Web of Deceit no. MCXXIV, Ian lies to PantoJane about going to the pub to meet Beardy on WWTF business. PantoJane's worried because he's supposed to be taking the kids swimming, and they're starting to do that staring thing and her head feels strangely hot. Beardy tells Ian that the post of Treasurer of the WTF Trust is up for grabs, and it will mean that Ian gets first pick at the annual wife-swapping party, and a key to the executive toilets. Ian passes up the job and runs home to the kids before PJane's head explodes.

Apparently BroJo tries it on with Nurse Tanyah at Bradley's disastrous birthday party. Nurse Tanyah tells Dadley and says that nothing happened. But BroJo decides that he's going to wreck Dadley's life because...umm...well... he's Bradley's Dadley and Bradley has upset JoJo...grrr. BroJo taunts Dadley about kissing Nurse Tanyah and Dadley gets all grr smash. Nurse Tanyah: cross. Dadley: sad. BroJo: smirky.