DAMMIT JANET
Apologies to all again. Work is going a bit crazy and then my computer started doing flashing pink and green Bridget Riley patterns all over the screen, so it's a mostly shoddy crib-type affair this week.

Monday
Honey keeps looking at baby Janet and going "ew", and then pretending that she's in for an ingrowing toenail. The nurse says she's worried about Phoney's mental state. Don't you have to have more than two functioning brain cells to have a mental state? Davetta confesses that she might fancy BroJo a bit and Stacey is all: "You fancy my almost-ginger Psycho Two Zero brother? Are you mad?". BroJo goes around upsetting people - especially Billy, who turns into a ranting Tube maniac and tries to pick a fight with a bloke in the suit because he's...umm...wearing a suit. Billy obviously doesn't travel on the tube much. Anyway, Suit Man reminds Billy that it's the anniversary of the World Trade Centre bombings (I refuse to call it 9/11 because that's my mum's birthday), and Billy should be thinking peaceful thoughts. "Billy realises that he's been too quick to judge people. He feels ashamed of the way he's been behaving" - it says here.

Tuesday
Oooh, I saw a bit of this one. BroJo goes around being generally irritating and bad to the bone. I'm sure we're going to discover that being this annoying is a genuine symptom of Post Traumatic Disorder, but until we do I'm going to ask the Iraqi insurgents why the hell they let this one go. Maybe he's Osama's latest secret weapon: the Annoying Ginger of the Apocalypse, sent by God to wind us up with his loathsome Lothario ways and petty thievery.

Mrs Goggins has a visitor. It's Spandau's Mum! Mrs Spandau says there's been a terrible mistake, and Spandau's in jail for a crime he didn't commit. Mrs G, Chelski and @@@ all chorus: "Oh yes he did". Mrs Spandau: sad.

Stiffen your sinews, everyone. Babs has been making the beast with two backs with NotDavid Essex, though he's still sleeping on the sofa in case Fill finds out and gets Oedipal on NotDavid's ass. As it happens, Not David confesses to Fill. Fill grunts that he's over that Freudian shit now, and besides, he's been worrying too much about MiniFill to notice. Maybe he's discovered that Squeaky is working as a club singer in Marbella and calls up Grunt for an amusing caper in Spain that involves Fill going a gentle shade of scarlet and Grunt beating up someone called Manuel while Squeaky breaks the sound barrier...

Phoney: "Baby? What baby?". Billy is worried. Enter NotDavid, who wants to know where his grandaughter is. Phoney says it's all gone horribly wrong. NotDavid takes over...

Thursday
Phoney and Billy discover that the baby has a heart condition and needs an operation. A nation gasps. Phoney does her nails. NotDavid repels all visitors and tells Babs that the baby isn't too well. Nobody mentions the D word. Cut to Phoney, surrounded by pictures of grinning Downs children and wanting to know how soon the baby will die. Billy: very sad. So am I, actually. Poor little mite (the baby, not Billy)

Meanwhile BroJo starts putting the moves on Davetta. Davetta wants to know why he's suddenly being so nice and BroJo says that war does funny things to your manners. Oh dear, any minute now he's going to dig himself a trench in McArfur and start quoting Wilfred Owen. Davetta, the poor desperate little scrap, takes him under her wing and gives him a bar job in her club. Lee objects, but Davetta stamps her tiny foot and says: "It's MY club, and if I want a hunky psycho behind the bar, I'll have one, thankyouverymuch!"

Mrs Spandau goes to see Spandau in jail and calls him a no good low down loser bastard for beating up Mrs Goggins. Spandau says: "Yes, yes you're right, but have you seen her in action?" But you can see where @@@'s latent feminism comes from with Mrs S tells Spandau that he's not the victim here, and that he deserves to rot for what he did to the Gogginses. Spandau learns that @@@ doesn't want to see him ever again and is sad.

Fill asks Ben if he'd like a surprise little sister. Ben storms off in an only child huff.

Friday
Fill finds Billy swigging whiskey in Scarlet's - what kind of nightclub opens during the day? I know I ask this all the time, but you know...Anyway, Billy tells Fill that the baby has Down's syndrome. Fill insists on visiting the maternity ward, and introduces himself as "Uncle Fill" to Baby Janet and...gasp...talks to her. Billy has a major revelation and spends the rest of the day chattering away to his little girl. Phoney appears to have locked herself in the bathroom.

@@@ goes with Mrs Spandau to visit Spandau in prison. Spandau says that she did the right thing to shop him to the fuzz, and not to worry about him. He'll make sure he always knows where the soap is in the showers. @@@: sad. Apparently only Mrs Goggins can save him now.

Lee tries to make BroJo into a proper barman but BroJo's all: "Yeah, whatever, Grandad. The chicks dig me because I'm cute and troubled and bad to the bone. You're just a has-been with a nice profile.

Bradley gets Nurse Tanyah to help him pick out some earrings for JoJo. Nurse Tanyah warns him that they might not be common enough for JoJo, but JoJo apparently keeps them for best.