There are basically three plot lines to deal with this week and here they are – presented in order of descending ridiculousness/annoyingness

WHOOPS VICAR, PANTOJANE STOLE MY TROUSERS!!
First we have a ludicrous attempt at a farce which makes me feel a little bit embarrassed for all involved. Ian and GADawn bicker a bit about GAD’s latest credit card bill and set off to the WWTF hotel conference thing while Jane is left to clean a deep fat fryer with a toothbrush while simultaneously looking after Ian’s infernal legion of kids. The conference is in some fancy pants hotel/golf club type thing and as soon as Ian and GADawn arrive they bump into Smarmy Metrosexual, Mr Beardy and Mrs Beardy, who is played by that red headed lady off Holby City and numerous other TV dramas. I normally quite like her but she is a bit rubbish in this, perhaps due to the appalling part she is landed with. Anyway, they immediately start on this bizarre innuendo laden conversation which makes me think Ian is going to be dragged into a sordid wife swapping ring or something. Mrs Beardy makes sarky remarks about GADawn’s age and keeps spotting her canoodling with Smarmy and pursing her lips disapprovingly.

They agree to play golf and Ian puts on ridiculous orange plus fours/argyle type combo that makes him look like an Edwardian easyjet employee or something. Cue lots of scenes of Smarmy groping GADawn’s arse while “adjusting her swing” etc and of Mrs Beardy noticing and pursing her lips etc. Ian is really smarmy and obsequious and loses on purpose to get in Beardy’s good books (and pants probably too, they way they are carrying on). They then go off to get ready for dinner and Ian tells GADawn off for being a slut and flirting with Smarmy all the time.

Meanwhile PantoJane decides to go and surprise Ian for dinner at the hotel – of ocurse, she arrives just as Ian is giving his speech and thanking his lovely wife Jane. Gadawn has the grace to look totally embarrassed and just wants to get out of there but Jane makes her stay and inexplicably goes along with Ian’s lie and says that she is Ian’s live in nanny and that Ian and Dawn treat her like dirt, even though Jane is also boning Ian in some sort of bizarre three way type dealy. Smarmy, Beardy and Mrs Beardy are shocked and appalled, yet also totally turned on, by these shock revelations. Smarmy begs Dawn to leave Ian and Mrs Beardy tries to jump Ian’s bones – they then have to hide in a cupboard when Mr Beardy goes into Ian’s room and nearly catches them. Meanwhile Jane can’t find Ian and goes on a pointless rampage round the grounds looking for him in a golf cart, crashing into stuff and making non-comedy faces while various golfers and staff shake their fists and say “I say!” I am only surprised they don’t include a shot of her crashing into a fully laden fruit cart. Jane has a mini catfight with Dawn where they basically insult each other’s hair and then finds Ian and Mrs Beardy in the cupboard. She stomps off and takes the car and Ian runs after her in a cab. Smarmy takes Dawn home and finds out that she is really GADawn – he decides that he still likes her, even if she is a no good broad with the morals of an alley cat.

Pat appears for no reason so as to give Jane someone to talk to. Jane is all upset and says she can’t believe she dumped Grant to be put in this situation. Pat is all common sensey etc and begs Jane not to tell Ian about Grant to get back at him. Ian gets home and snivels at Jane and talks her into staying. Phew, I’m glad that is all over with – until of course Ian does find out about Jane/Grant.

JO JO JR?
In other news, JoJo and Davetta get back from their holiday and are not getting on well, as apparently JoJo had a personality change half way through and turned into a moody cow. Charlie does his usual “There’s something you’re not telling me! I’m just worried about my gels!” routine and begs for JoJo to talk to someone about it. Jojo wants to talk to Bradley but he rushes off on a training course. Meanwhile Davetta gets her A Level results and has done alright considering all the soap shenanigans she has gone through in the last year. She wanders round on her own and flirts with mystery blond bloke and Lee, who tells her she is too young and to leave it out. Double meanwhile, JoJo wees on a magic stick and gasp, non-shock, non-horror – turns out to be pregnant. Wow, that’s an original storyline for a teen female character, though at least this time we actually know that JoJo has been Doing It, unlike when Vickney was miraculously knocked up by someone whom she never even spoke to…

SHAUN OF THE DEAD SEXY
Mystery blond bloke is a security guard who used to be in the army and now lives in Pat/Juhneen’s Dreary Bedsit. He has the odd drink in the Vic and then lies alone in said Dreary Bedsit fondling a large claw hammer. WTF?? The claw hammer/dreary psycho inducing wallpaper combo make me think he is going to be a serial killer or something and I was actually quite intrigued by this storyline as it had not been splattered over the front of the supermarket magazines for weeks on end, for once.

Yet another new mystery bloke turns up in the square and – yes, we all knew this was coming – it is JoJo’s long lost brother Shaun, who is quite HOTT, though we haven’t seen much of his acting yet other than “activate glower” and “sneer” etc. He is looking for MBB but is surprised to run into JoJo in the Vic instead. JoJo thinks he is looking for her and drags him back home for tea and biccies – it turns out he ran away without trace after their dad died, never contacted them again and joined the army. When it turns out that he isn’t actually looking for Jojo, she is sad etc. Shaun (BroJo?) has a quick go at Charlie for not looking after JoJo right after the dad died and while JoJo Ma was all mental etc and then sneaks off with some rope and gaffer tape for a session of gay bondage with his ex boyfriend Mystery Blond Bloke.

Oh not really – they have a Dramatic Confrontation instead. Sigh. It turns out they were in the army together in Iraq and MBB accidentally on purpose shot BroJo because he thought BroJo was knocking off his bird. Bro Jo is back to wreak revenge but MBB grabs his hammer to defend himself. BroJo headbutts him, ties him up and drives him off in the boot of MBB’s car – MBB wakes to find himself hanging upside down from a building site or something but then BroJo can’t go through with his revenge because he doesn’t want to go to prison now he has a good part in a soap rediscovered his family. He tells MBB to sling his hook, lets him go and then returns to chat with JoJo about her pregnancy. Hurrah for having a new sexy male actor on the show. Boo for Jojo being preggers though.