SYSTEM OF A DOWNS

I don't know, you wait ages for an update and then two come along at the same time etc etc

GA Dawn gets a lunch date with Mr Smarmy Metrosexual and worries about what to wear – I’d be worried too if the costume dept hated me as much as they seem to hate GADawn - the final outfit turns out to include a bizarre and hideous silver bolero jacket with little puffy sleeves. WTF?? At the date, it is all going well until GADawn asks Smarmy about his ex wife or whatever and he goes all “la la la, is that the time? Look over there!!” and then runs out of the room when her head is turned. GADawn is suspicious! Perhaps he has his missus locked up in the attic a la Jane Eyre!

JoJo is still depressed after babygate and is moping around and snapping at people. Oh where is yr moxie JoJo, pls to get back to yr old self soon! Bradley says he has something v important to ask her and I get pre-emptively angry about a teen wedding plot, but it turns out that he wants to ask her to live with him in a swanky flat belonging to a work colleague who is going to live in HK for a while. JoJo accepts while everyone else mutters that she is no better than she ought to be (or something) but then when they go to meet the prospective landlord, he says no as Jojo is too rough and common for his beautiful loft style apartemente. Not shown – JoJo slashing landlord’s face with sharpened Claire’s Accessories nail file.

Trinidad has an old friend come to visit, who turns out to be that bloke out of Desmonds. He thinks they are going to P.A.R.T.Y. but it turns that out old friend has cancer and hasn’t long to live. Trinidad has an existential crisis and sits on the sofa saying “what’s the point?” but then Yolande cheers him up by playing a record or something. Whatever.

BroJo continues to flirt with Davetta while JoJo makes disapproving faces. I miss bits of the week but at one point Davetta reads him some Keats poetry and BroJo says it is rubbish as Keats obviously never manned a checkpoint in Basra or saw attack ships burning off the shoulder of Orion. Davetta giggles girlishly as philistinism = HOTT!!

Billy goes to the orspital and asks if Phoney has been to see the baby recently. Phoney is all “What baby? Oh right, that one… no, not yet, I‘ve been too busy staring vacantly into space” Billy is sad. A nice male nurse says comforting things. Phoney phreaks out when he calls the baby “Janet” and starts going on about they aren’t going to name her defective child after her sainted mother blah blah blah. Nice Male Nurse suggests they call it “Petal” as that is what people have been calling the kid. I’m sorry but Petal is only a suitable name to give your prize heifer or something. They get to take the baby home – Phoney is pleased to be coming home but then freaks out (again) when she sees that their room has been all babified and again when she worries that people have found out her secret baby shame etc etc.

Babs has been planning a baby party but Fill doesn’t think it is such a good idea and eventually Pat has to tell her that “Petal” has teh DS. Babs is all “oh noo!”, has the party instantly cancelled and has sack cloth and ashes hung around the Vic instead. Good old bigot Babs!! Of course, no one bothers to tell Phoney and Billy that the party is cancelled so they show up to be confronted by bells tolling and moaning and wailing etc. They turn around and run away again and Pat and David Wessex tell Babs off for being insensitive. David Wessex cheers up Phoney a bit and they open the presents – Phoney starts moaning that all the toys are a waste of time as “Petal” won’t be able to play with them and Nice Male Nurse pops up out of nowhere to give a PSA about how actually DS babies love to play. Phoney says unconvincingly that one day she will feel motherly feelings towards little Petal and stares blankly into space (has there been a scene where Phoney hugs someone and gazes coldly over their shoulder yet? What are they waiting for???)

Spandau’s spanner faced mum begs for Mrs Goggins to say nice things at Spandau’s trial so that the judge will be nice to him or something. Mrs Goggins: “Um, I think not!!” @@@ also begs Mrs G to speak at the trial and it all comes out that @@@ visited Spandau at HMP Lakeland Plastics. There is shouting etc but in the end Mrs Goggins succumbs to emotional blackmail, goes to the trial and says “He totally beat the shit out of me and knocked out one of my teeth, but my colossally insensitive and spoilt daughter still likes him so I suppose he can’t be a bad sort really.” The judge says “fair enough” and gives Spandau a suspended sentence – he is free to leave the court! Ruh roh. He tells everyone he is going to move to Cardiff (he avoided prison for that!!) but then runs and hides under a hedge or something so that everyone panics and thinks he has kidnapped @@@ (If I was Mrs Goggins I would let him kidnap the ungrateful little brat). @@@ turns up unharmed and everyone gives a sigh of relief. Mrs G won’t let them says goodbye properly and so Spandau and Mrs S set off in a cab to the coach station, but then Spandau makes a mean face and says stop the cab! he is getting out to launch a reign of terror for a drink. Dun Dun Dunhh!!

PS Off topic I know, but me and my boyfriend have started a new blogging project where we walk all the way round london and blog as we go - pls check it out here and do leave a comment, esp if you live any where along the route and have suggestions of things to See and Do. Thanks M x