TELL THEM ABOUT THE HONEY-MUMMY
This is very much a week of peaks and troughs and all the troughs come in the first two - three episodes. Oh lordy – first of all it is the surprise wedding that Babs has planned for Billy and Phoney. I have never heard such a ridiculous idea as planning a wedding without either of the participants knowing. Either all those bizarre wigs have caused Bab’s Brain to overheat or else the writers have been borrowing them while they come up with their so-called plots and THEIR brains have overheated. Anyway, Billy finds out, um somehow, so it is all down to Babs to get Phoney to the church without realising there is a wedding on – I suggest waving something shiny in her face to keep her distracted. Fill wants Ben to wear a kilt but the only way he will do it is if Fill wears one too. Ha ha, my sides! Also thanks a lot for making us have to look at Fill’s knees, you bastards.

Everyone else knows and is at church and while they are waiting for the wedding to start, Aussie strumpet SJ and Minty run off to a park to drink extra strong cider like tramps. Minty fantasises about having a big house full of kids and SJ fantasises about having a big fridge full of over-oaked Australian Chardonnay. Hmm, perhaps they are not compatible but it is v hard to say. More clues please writers! When they get back to the wedding they are pissed and AGarry and Naomi (now promoted to “Agarry’s sidekick”) glare at them disapprovingly.

When Phoney gets to the church she first is all delighted but then doesn’t want get married as (a) she is all superstitious and shit and (b) is hella annoying. Babs is cross but eventually Billy gets Phoney to change her mind and the wedding it is on!!

Oh god. Please do not try and comedy EE, unless you are trying to give me an aneurysm on purpose. The wedding is full of lame comedy schtick, with Phoney bossing the vicar around and Ben making humorous “whatever next eh?” type faces. Phoney starts having contractions and then her waters break right after they are married. What are the chances? While they rush off to hospital there is various other plottery going on. Drunken hussy SJ tries to look up Fill’s skirt, as presumably she wants a quick and effective emetic. Agarry tells SJ that she is a no-good madame who is ripping Minty off and never gets a round in. She runs off crying so Minty makes Agarry apologise, only he won’t so Minty says he is moving out. Gasp – the longest standing couple on the soap split up at last! Minty wants to move in with SJ but she says there is no room both for him and the hunky shirtless “brother”. Oh Minty, you are such a sucker.

Phoney’s aunty Una Stubbs is also at the wedding and is having man trouble – the man apparently isn’t very communicative – well what do you expect if you keep expecting to communicate via the medium of charades? Eh? Eh? Babs learns an important lesson from this bollocks and goes and tells David Wessex about her breast cancer and bionic tits etc. Then they totally do it, but hide it from Fill as he is such a Freudian headcase and will probably get jealous or something.

At the hospital there is more comedy as Phoney doesn’t want to give birth (as her mother died in childbirth) and keeps being mean to the long suffering midwife. She locks herself in a room and the midwife does not take the opportunity to have the doorway quickly bricked up like I would have done. Billy talks her down and then there is a long sequence of birthgiving comedy clichés – probably all ripped off from Friends repeats on C4 – Phoney doesn’t want drugs but then she does! Someone sees the umbilical cord and thinks it is a giant cock, Billy sees the um, business end of Phoney during the birth and faints, Phoney keeps saying “epidoodle” instead of epidural and whoever came up with the joke is so pleased with it that is repeated about 300 times. In the end, the baby she is born and Billy and Phoney coo over her and say things like “She’s perfect! she’s the best baby ever! Nothing wrong with this baby, nosiree!” while the midwife runs outside, flattens herself against the wall and makes a hilariously OTT agonised face. So so subtle.

Next day, Phoney and Billy get the sad news that the baby has Downs Syndrome – and now the program actually starts getting good. The medical staff offer them counselling and leaflets etc while Billy and Phoney start with the stages of anger and denial. They blame each other for having malfunctioning reproductive parts and then blame the medical staff. Billy goes to get a coffee and spends too long outside so Phoney has a go at him for that. She has trouble breast feeding and refuses to go to a new mum’s coffee morning as she is too ashamed. She says that she doesn’t want to keep the baby and won’t be able to cope etc etc

Babs shows up with David Wessex, Dot and Pat. They are all cooing over the baby when Goddess Pat makes an “ohs noes” face. She has guessed, it seems. The others take photos and prattle on until the baby is taken away for tests and they all bugger off too. Pat corners Billy by the nursery/cot farm thing and says that she knows the truth – she tells a sad story about a family she knew who had a Downs child and put her into a home as they couldn’t cope and that Billy and Phoney need to love their baby and look after her. (It will probably turn out that this was Pat’s daughter or sister or something for added drama) Excellent work from Pat and Billy in this scene, and Phoney (who normally irritates the hell out of me) is pretty good too now all the non-comedy has finished. They also do a really good job of capturing the weird awkward atmosphere between Billy and Phoney. Anyway, Billy goes back and repeats what Pat said. Phoney is all “yeah whatever… we’ll see” and the week ends with them sitting in silence.