DEADBEATS ON PARADE
OK, what excuse can I offer for the slackness of the past couple of weeks? Well, on my part it’s down to a rather funky little Hammond organ quartet called Horizon 22 suddenly getting a run of gigs, which meant that Mr P had to jet off to the exotic climes of Nunhead and Rome (yes, that Rome) and play his guitar to adoring ladies while I did the jazz wifey thing. And then there’s the question of a small child not wanting to go to bed while it is still light outside. And the cat ate my laptop and I had to shout at Thames Water a lot about our domestic water pressure being worse than a Saharan standpipe.

Mark had lots of work on and his boyfriend made him go to a Guns ‘n’ Roses gig. The doctor says he’ll be alright as long as he never sees a poodle again..

So, here’s a very VERY short summary of everything that has happened on EE in the past couple of weeks, cribbed shoddily from the BBC site because you don’t think I’ve had any time to watch TV, do you? (Pete2Win!)

Week ending 2 June
Senora Grunt is a sultry siren. Courtney hates her. Pjane tries very hard not to hate Senora, but ends up telling Pat everything. Well, that’s torn it. She spends the next three weeks letting Ian call the shots, then jabbing herself with fruit knives and mumbling “I love Ian. I love Ian. I love Ian” whenever she sees Grunt raise an eyebrow.

Moomin wants to get back with Naomi, but Naomi wants her to cut out the weird breeder nonsense. Moomin doesn’t. Naomi chucks her out. Moomin moves back to the Branning’s tardis. AdoptoGran dies. Mmartin and Carly start getting cosy. Moomin does a really awful drunk act. Moominchild now lives with the Fowlers. Mmartin does quite a good job of the dad thing, but Poline keeps butting in with her old fashioned attitudes about regular bedtimes and no sweeties and stuff.

Poline dumps Straight Pike because the loft conversion is rubbish. Bert dumps Straight Pike for choosing Poline over him. Poor Straight Pike! All he has left are his Mr Benn residuals and a spell in the plot cupboard.

Phoney and Billy get married. Oh, no they don’t. Phoney has a fainting fit which is something to do with her having acute food poisoning (eh?? And she’s not in hospital, being pregnant and all?). Anyway, the party in MacArfur Park goes ahead anyway, and they get funky with Obladih Obladah – possibly the Worst. Beatles. Song. Ever. No, not possibly. It is the Worst. Beatles. Song. Ever.

Mrs Goggins thinks Parklife is a perv. The kids conduct a harassment campaign until Dasbo admits that he put the naughty pic of Chelski on Parklife’s PC.

There was some stuff about Davetta fancying Grunt, but I think we’ll just pass on that one.

Week ending 9 June
Apparently the Grunts are off to Portugal…isn’t he banned from there too for Crimes Against MiniFill? Or am I getting confused?

If Poline has chucked Straight Pike, what is he still doing there? More Moominchild nonsense. I think it’s about letting Moominchild go to the funeral. Moomin whines a lot. Mmartin furrows his brow. Moomin wants to tell the Moominchild that one day she too will have an arse like hers. Oh yeah, like the poor girl hasn’t been through enough…

AGarry and Minty are back! Hurrah! Oh, it’s some stupid World Cup Competition nonsense that sets their marriage sorry friendship on edge.

Chelski gets a waitressing job in the posh restaurant. Senora Grunt finds out about Grunt and Chelski and gets irate. Grunt admits there was someone else, Senora Grunt stalks off, bumps into her Brazilian lover (blimey, is there anybody left in Rio? Anyway, this bloke makes Fill look a bit safe. She knows how to pick ‘em, does Senora Grunt). Apparently Senora stole Ray’s money and now he wants it back. Grunt says he’ll help her get rid of Ray and we get a sneaky over-the-shoulder smile from Temptress Senora…There’s a Confrontation between Grunt and Ray. They compare notes and discover that Senora has fooled them both. Grant dumps her, phones PJ to say goodbye, and heads off for Portugal. Buh bye Grunt. How we will not miss your. Strange. Intonation. And Priapic. Raised. Eyebrow. Buh Bye Courtney…we think you’ve got potential…

Parklife and Mrs Goggins have some contrived date situation which involves Chelski’s manager who is that one that one the celebrity duets show, and Parklife reckons he’s on a promise until they get home and there’s a delivery of flowers, which sends Mrs G off on one. Parklife exits, pursued by flying crockery.