CAKEY BREAKY HEART
I missed the first half hour but basically Curly comes back after apparently being forgiven by Tony Bennett re Salsa Inferno. He is in charge of the club and doesn’t think he has anything to worry about Tony wreaking revenge or whatnot. Lee tries to talk sense into him but has apparently forgotten that Curly is thicker than a sack of hammers. Curly ignores him and ponces off again – all this in prep for next week’s gangster nonsense, which I’m sure Sarah will greatly enjoy watching and blogging (tee hee).

In other news, Straight Pike passes the police check about driving the mini bus. His relief is shortlived though, as Big Mo (Dear Big Mo, pls don’t wear your hair down in that flat bob. It is inexplicably disturbing. Thanks) finds a prison tattoo on Prison Bitch Bert’s shoulder while they are “making out”(“Mr Benn is my Daddy”?) and works out that he has been in the Big House. She finds out that he and Pike were both burglars and then makes lots of snide comments about “doing houses” when Straight Pike is wittering on about giving Poline a loft conversion. Pike is worried that his secret prison shame will be revealed. Still.

Drippy has got CBF hopped up on baby crack or something. She has to stop though when Charlie finds her huge stash of empty calpol bottles/syringes/pipes made out of coke cans etc.

David Wessex has to go away on an urgent job and Babs is sad. Phoney goes to the hospital and finds that her Victorian Lady’s Condition is now better. There is now nothing standing in the way of the hideously misjudged Billy/Phoney freak genetic experiment. It is Bab’s birthday and Pat is worried about going because of her renewed slapper reputation, but Parkilfe cheers her up with a cheery tale about how his son died of cystic fibrosis (causing Beano to decide to be annoying for two, to make up for his brother’s loss) so Pat goes and has a good time.

Bradley asks JoJo round for a meal and she accepts. They have Dot’n’Jim’s house to themselves and are all awkward etc about whether they are going to do it – Jojo is about to leave in frustration but Bradley asks if they can wait and do it later – when he has stopped being gay perhaps – and JoJo agrees.

Yolande is being all icy and cold to Trini-dad and keeps going out drinking without him and dancing with strange fellers. Trini-dad tries to be understanding and saintly. On Pat’s birthday, she gets drunk and starts flirting with Parklife through the medium of car metaphors. Gross. Parklife pretends to go along with it but it is reverse psychology or something and Yolande goes “Adulterous Sex?? Eek!” and runs away. She goes home and confesses to Trini-dad but says that she couldn’t go through with it. She also forgives him again for about the 15th time.

Moomin tries to talk to Poline and Martin about no longer paying her share of the mortgage, but they both tell her to get lost. Jim is shunning Moomin re her sinful sapphism, so Moomin goes whining to Dot and tries to get her to change Jim’s mind. Dot tries but Jim is all “No! It is filthy and wrong!” so Dot tells Moomin to fight her own battles. Martin is trying to put a brave face on things, but then one day he is the Vic and Prison Bitch Bert is making off colour comments about “joining in” with Moomin and Naomi (ew). Martin goes mad and punches Bert in the eye. Bert starts writhing around making pirate noises (“Aargh! Aaaarghhh!”) It is pretty funny. Martin runs outside and Bert goes after him and apologises for going too far – he says that Martin should just tell him to shut up if he gets too annoying. Does that just count for Martin or can the audience do that too? Shut up Bert. Martin starts whining about his failed teen marriage and Bert comforts him. Oh what ev er.

Jane bonds with Ben about sandwiches. Ben chats to Minty about Fill and starts acting more normally – he agrees to let them hold a birthday party for him (that’s the third birthday in a week – it was also Yolande’s). Ian makes a cake in the shape of Wembley stadium (only it isn’t very realistic because it is actually finished) and invites all the relatives round. Bert horns in too and Poline makes sour faces. There is a bit of tension between Babs and Ian as Babs buys an Ipod for Ben whereas Ian only got him a satsuma and a bit of string. Jane (or poss Ian) gives a boring speech about how they shouldn’t fight as they all want things to be nice for Ben. Babs finally agrees to pretend not to have bought him anything and that tug of love conflicts = bad and wrong. Oh what a surprise – it is at this very moment that Fill appears in the Vic. He finds out from Billy that Kaffee is dead and Ben is with Ian etc and is pissed off that no-one bothered to tell him.

Babs and Ian are bonding and Ian offers to let Babs carry the cake through to Ben. Fill charges in and starts shouting and going all red faced and heart-attacky. One thing leads to another and Fill grabs Ian and starts to shove his face into the Wembley Cake (complete with lit candles ohs noes!!) He is only saved from a painful Flame Cake Face of Death Horror when Ben comes into the room – of course he is shocked and appalled to see Fill acting like a psycho and runs away. (btw, if this was Batman, Ian would have been hideously disfigured by the flaming cake, gone mad and turned to life of confectionery related crime as The Patissier!!)

Next day, Fill is sad that his son thinks he is a mental. He carries on moaning that no-one told him about Kaffee and Ben, has a row with Babs and then stomps into the garage and fires Carly. Carly runs off squealing “I’m telling my dad on you!” Later on Carly moans to Parklife (and anyone else in sight – shut up Carly) and Parklife does his cockernee babbling trick to convince Minty to take responsibility for Carly’s employment status. Minty goes and tells Fill that everyone was doing everything for his own good and he should stop being such a big baby. In the end, Fill forgives Minty and lets Carly have her job back. Jane takes Ben round to see Fill. Fill gives him a model race car for his birthday and they play with cars while Jane smirks approvingly in the background. Ian comes and spoils it though and Ben runs away again or is dragged away or something. After they have gone, Fill finds Ben’s model car smashed on the floor, smashed like Fill’s dreams of fatherhood blah blah (TM Eastenders Book of Obvious Symbolism). He is sitting on his own in the Arches and finds a convenient bottle of vodka in a desk drawer. The bottle: “Drink me! Drink meeeee!” Fill : “Oh alright then!” He is just about to fall of the wagon when Grant walks into the Arches and makes a quizzical face.