HONEY'S TOO TRITE TO MENTION
A fairly “meh” week, probably not helped by the fact that I managed to watch the episodes in reverse order. It was a bit like Memento, only without being exciting and having good performances etc.

Ian lands back with another recruit for his army of creepy child Satanists – Kaffee’s bloke has died and so Ian has brought Ben back to the UK. Ben is very quiet and subdued – because he probably knows he will be sacked in 6 months time and replaced with a strapping 18 year old – and Ian, Jane and the kids try to make him feel at home. When Babs finds out she runs over and starts squawking that – you guessed it – he’s a Mitchell and should be with other Mitchells. PantoJane begs that she doesn’t tell Fill just yet as Ben is still all traumatised etc and doesn’t need to be a “tragic tug of love tot” just yet – that can wait til next week. It turns out the only place Ben feels at home is in the arches, playing with spanners. Whatever.

Dot gives Jim a pile of old crap (ugly vase, fish slice etc) to give to a charity shop but instead he sells it to Deano for his stall and spends the money on crack and hookers (ok, gambling). Of course Dot finds out and is cross – cue amusing (in theory) scenes of Dot waving a fish slice around like a psycho killer. Straight Pike and his prison bitch Bert stand up for Jim, so Dot is offended and moans at Poline. Poline and Dot fall out over it. Later on, Poline and Jim get home to find Bert dry humping Big Mo on their sofa – aargh, my eyes!! – Poline starts squealing that her house has turned into a knocking shop (I don’t think that even Bert would PAY to dry hump big Mo) and throws Mo out (um, why didn’t they just go to the Slater house – it’s half empty these days esp compared to when 15 people used to live there in the Slater heyday. Still, good for Mo for getting some action for the first time ever!). Pike takes Bert’s side and says it isn’t a big deal so Poline falls out with Pike too. Lots of funny scenes of Dot, Poline and Jim all acting arsey around each other. Pike finally sucks up to both Dot and Poline by offering to drive a minibus on Dot’s church trip but then he finds out he isn’t eligible for the insurance as he was an ex-con. He invents some lame excuse so he doesn’t have to disclose his Secret Prison Shame and everyone makes up anyway.

Carly wants to get a job but doesn’t want to work at the car lot with Parklife. She says she wants to work with cars but doesn’t know what her true talent is – well it certainly isn’t acting. She begs AGary and Minty to let her have a go as a mechanic and they all like the idea of having a sexy wench around the place but of course she turns out to be a dab hand with a carburettor too. Babs is a bit sceptical (“In my day girls were only allowed to be busty nurses or busty barmaids or busty prey for Benny Hill” etc) but lets her stay.

Martin has a business plan to make more £££! (as per Harry Hill: 1. sell more spuds. 2. Put Pat back on the game.) While he is at the bank, Moomin and Naomi talk about work and going somewhere nice on holiday etc (I hear that LESBOS is nice at this time of year!) but then Martin sees their brochures and books a surprise weekend for him and Moomin in Paris. Moomin tries to be pleased but is obviously not because she would rather be spending a weekend in Naomi’s pants.

Drippy is turning into a right moany cow lately. Also her hairdon’t makes her look like she is about 50. Her and Jane go to the park with Freddy and Bobby and Bobby tries to sacrifice Freddy to Shub Niggurath - The Goat with a Thousand Young by, um, hitting him on the head with a stick. They go to hospital to get it sorted out and presumably this will be Important For Later (ie to be used in ammo re tug of love case or for Drippy to be investigated by social services).

David Not-essex (David Sussex? David Wessex?) keeps letching over Babs but she keeps moaning about his dog and telling him to take it outside so he sits on Losers bench and sulks. Babs relents and goes to talk to him and he says that his dog is his only family! I know that Phoney is annoying but that’s a bit harsh! Babs says he can come back in and, if he plays his cards right, can unclog her u-bend in the morning. Pure filth! Babs also lets slip that Phoney is pregnant and David Wessex makes a dramatic face. He goes to speak to his dimwit daughter and says that medical science has shown that she is officially too thick to breed and that if she has a baby she might die like her mum. Phoney says she doesn’t care – helpfully reinforcing the “too thick to breed” hypothesis.

It is AGary’s birthday and they have a surprise birthday at his house. There are lots of extras there that we have never seen before. Martin gets drunk so Moomin takes him home and leaves him to drown in a pool of his own vomit while she goes back to the party. They are chatting on a step when Moomin tries to slip Naomi the tongue. Naomi says “Uurgh! Get off!” and runs away. Later she tells Moomin that it is bad and wrong for her to toy with her feelings like that when she is just going to go back to Martin anyway. Moomin is all “How can something feel so right when it’s so wrong, blah blah blah” and says she will dump Martin for Naomi. Finally!

Lots of Miller tedium this week. DCI Carter finds out that his mum left £5,000 to Rosa Klebb and plots with GADawn to get hold of the money. He persuades Dawn to pose as Rosa long enough to get the money by saying that he needs it for a big romantic gesture to win back June-from-the-Bill once and for all. Oops, I mean so he can get them a house in Spain and have a fresh start. Buy a whole house for £5K? yeah right. Dawn is too blinded by love for her father (or else blinded by her hideous orange coat) to see the obvious flaws in this plan and reluctantly goes along with it. In the end Mickney and Rosa find out and guess that Carver is tricking GADawn. They find out he hasn’t booked her a flight to Spain, even though he said he had, so they all march off to have a dramatic confrontation. Carver admits that he was swindling the money for one of his dodgy scams and Rosa gives him the money (wha?) and tells him never to bother them again. GADawn is all set to run off to a convent or something but Mickney tells her that families stick together, unless your name is Keef, in which case you can just fuck off.

Keef keeps sniffing around but Rosa keeps telling him to get lost, as he is too useless and slack and she wants a man who can support her etc etc. In the end he moves his manky old chair and DVD’s to Gus’s house until the housing dept can decipher his childish crayon scrawl and get him a new flat. Gus shouts at him to stop sitting on his arse and do something, so Keef sells all his manky crap and possibly a kidney on the internet, as suddenly he has enough money to buy Rosa an engagement ring and ask her to marry him. Rosa does not exactly look overjoyed but cliffhanger anyway.