MORE, TOO MUCH MORE THAN A PRETTY FACE (I DON'T THINK SO)
There's a fat bloke in a jeep - no, not the usual London crack dealer kind, the Countryside Alliance ex-army kind that probably has a brace of dead badgers and a beagle in the back. And he's giving Billy evil looks. This man is supposed to be David Essex. But David Essex decided that singing Rock On to housewives in Cheadle would be a far far better thing to do than cosy up to Barbara Windsor four times a week, and we got Fat Bloke instead. Fat Bloke isn't a bad actor, and he's not all that fat, just fatter than David, and not exactly blessed in the twinkly-eyed gipsy good looks department. Trouble is, the producers didn't bother to change anybody's lines, so we can look forward to lots of comments about how good-looking Phoney's dad is. However, this is the world where Fill Mitchell is a ladies' man and Ian Beale calls the shots, so it's not like it's weird or anything.

So, NotDavid Essex gets mistaken for a plumber by Billy - oh the hilarity - and gets to monkey around with wrenches and stuff under the sink while poor Billy wrestles with the worst non-comedy mistaken identity nonsense ever written, and tells NotDavid that he's a bit scared of Phoney's dad. Meanwhile assorted relatives of Pat shout at each other and Phil Daniels goes to work in the car lot because he can't leave his little gurl heartbroken.

NotDavid tells Phoney that Billy's not good enough for her, but Billy perseveres - given the alternative is Drippy and her Flintlock hairdo, I don't suppose we can blame him - and NotDavid says he approves. He also embarks on a flirtation with Babs with brings out her fiery side. Is there any side of Babs that isn't fiery? Even her wig looks a bit like a forest fire in Lapland.

Poline has survived a week of making The Sex with Straight Pike, but she's not impressed to find Northerner mangling his vowels on her sofa. It looks like Northerner was Straight Pike's prison wife. Northerner hints at Straight Pike's Dark Secret and Straight Pike persuades Poline to let him stay. Poline: cross. Good to see marriage hasn't changed her.

Dolescum update: Keef sees a chance to get his feet back under the table after Jim Carter's mum's funeral. But Carter gets there first. Keef says: "Rosie Klebb chose me, go away!" Carter: "No, she chose Demi and Cute Baby Aleesha." Keef: sad and still on MYGus's sofa. Nope, I still don't care...

JoJo has a horrible week, poor lamb. First, she realises that she does fancy Bradley (well, he does have a lovely smile, but he's still gaygaygaygaygay), then Davetta returns for her stuff and tells Stacey that they're not best friends any more because her psycho dad is all she needs or something - it's a shoddy crib this week by the way. JoJo cries and decides to be horrible to Bradders because Nobody Will Ever Hurt Her Again. She tries flirting with Lee, who has only popped out for a swift half. JoJo's drunken antics soon send him scuttling back to the plot cupboard, and Bradley takes her home. She cries some more and Bradley promises to be There For Her like a true GBF should be.