A MOOMIN WITHOUT A MARTIN IS LIKE A FISH WITHOUT A BICYCLE
Naomi still thinks that Moomin might be another bi-curious timewaster, and tells Moomin not to pass up on a free trip to Paree, . Moomin says she’d rather write 5000 words on urinary tract infections while sharing a bathroom with Minty and Agarry. She packs her bags, tells Mmartin that she’s a lesbimatarian now, and that she’s going to live with Naomi. But Naomi runs off to visit her mother. Oh no! Moomin throws her bags at Agarry and stomps off in hot pursuit. She catches up with Naomi at the station, and the hapless commuters have to make way for another weirdo couple declaring their undying love in the middle of the ticket hall. I’m sure there are by-laws about that sort of thing. Mmartin takes to his bed in shock after finding them at it on Minty’s sofa. Ian prattles comfortingly about his three failed marriages, devil children etc. Nice one Ian, send him straight to the top floor of Centre Point, why don’t you?

Keef tries to wriggle out of marrying by taking the Groomzilla route. The wedding must be a full white number, in a church, with CBAleesha as a flower girl. Nice try, but he's up against GADawn, who gets Rosa to ditch the plans fora church wedding in favour of the usual unfeasibly high-speed register office job. And there’s an engagement party in the Vic. Babs has spared plenty of expense, recycling Martin and Moomin’s wedding banner, only one plate of curly ham sandwiches with the crusts left on. Keef: worried. Me: bored. Rosie: Bridezilla. Me: still bored.

Naomi and Moomin announce their relationship to Agarry and Minty, who are too shocked to ask if they can watch. Next week, they’ll adopt a cat called Gertrude and sign up for a drumming workshop.

Straight Pike and Northerner lie on the insurance form about previous convictions. This is probably Important For Later. Still wondering about Straight Pike’s crime. Maybe it was the ghost/graverobbing fraud thing that he perpetrated in Randall & Hopkirk (Deceased). Or maybe the shopkeeper got fed up with him walking out of the shop without paying for his costumes.

Poline tells Jim and Dot that Moomin is a lying lesbitarian slut who has broken her little boy’s heart. Moomin visits and leaves with Dot intoning: “Thou shalt not yodel in the furry canyon” at her retreating back, and thinks that everybody hates her. Naomi persuades her to go out, but instead of raving it up at a nice club somewhere (I’m assured they do exist), they go to the Vic. Naomi orders two gin and tonics, and Babs looks disapproving. What, is gin and tonic some kind of gay drink all of a sudden? Poline and Sonia have the inevitable barney at the Klebb engagement do. Poline declares that no-one has the right to humiliate her son in public except Poline. Martin asks Moomin what he ever did to her, apart from getting her pregnant at 14, killing the LOVE OF HER LIFE, and forcing her to share a mortgage and a bathroom with Poline.

A health visitor makes a surprise visit to Drippy following Bobby’s attempt to sacrifice Cute Baby Freddy. Drippy acts all paranoid and demands that Panto Jane comes over to make a statement about CBFreddy’s non-violent nature or something like that. Health Visitor tries to a) care, and b) empathise what with CBFreddy being a rape baby, and Drippy goes off on one. CBFreddy wakes up again. Drippy won’t give him Calpol because suffering constant pain is character building. Big Mo starts secretly slipping CBFreddy some pink goo of oblivion but Drippy finds out and gets shouty. Nobody tells Drippy to get a grip. NotGayDoctor just simpers something about Drippy doing what feels right. Feels right? We’re talking about a Slater here. You know, the sisters that love to share…

NotDavid Wessex reveals that he’s not too happy about Phoney’s pregnancy because Ma Phoney died in childbirth with a hereditary heart condition. How quaintly Victorian. Phoney goes to see Dr NotGayYet, who runs a few tests and tells her that she’s absolutely fine. Phoney: cross and still not talking to David for making her live in fear of Death or something like that.

Parklife thinks that Pat fancies him because she cooked him some posh chicken at Beano’s suggestion. We discover that Parklife wears Chelski underpants. I really did not need that information: we’re still recovering from Pineapplegate. Parklife and Pat formulate a cunning plan to wreak revenge on Beano for stirring and get him to do…the cleaning. Really, they’re above all this.

Everybody’s telling Bradley and JoJo to hurry up and start with The Sex. Beano the Virgin tells Bradley that women love it when a man drags them into a bin-filled alley and bends them over a bag of rotten chicken legs. JoJo: unimpressed. I think they’ve split up again.

Mmartin’s brilliant idea for getting Moomin to jump back over the fence is to get her to buy a present for Moominchild (who appears to be back with AdoptoGran). It fails. Mmartin: sad. Moomin: on the phone to Celia Hammond.

PS: Just watching the new Coldplay video. Yacht Rock gone mad, I tells you.