BAPTISM OF DIRE
JoJo is sad that Davetta has been whisked away to the plot cupboard without saying goodbye. She sees that Tony Bennett’s house is up for sale and gets Agarry to arrange to view the house with her so she can pump the estate agent for clues. It seems that TB is not coming back evah – though obv he will so he can die dramatically in a week long “special”. JoJo holds a party in TB’s house to mess it up so no-one will buy it and ends up screaming a lot and throwing breakables at Juley. Juley says that Davetta and JoJo can’t be very good friends if Davetta hasn’t bothered to phone her yet. JoJo: sadder.

Meanwhile, Naomi is out of the plot cupboard. Her dullsville plot picks up exactly where she left off, with Moomin wanting to spend too much time with her and Mmartin saying “Grrr, our marriage would be fine if it wasn’t for you meddling, kid”.

Rosie Klebb is wracked with guilt after her non-affair with DCI Carver, so GADawn suggests that she tells DS Keef everything to clear the air. Rosie admits to Keef that she kissed Carver and Keef forgives her, but then GADawn says “Did Rosie tell you that she almost ran away with him too?” Doh. Rosie and Keef have a dramatic confrontation and Keef says he can no longer trust Rosie. Shut up Keef, you should be grateful that any woman is willing to touch your rubbery carcass. Whenever Rosie is sad and upset she pulls mad faces and looks like one of the Evil Dead btw. Keef roams the streets a bit and then moves in with Minty and Agarry. Um OK... The Senior Millers try to hide the truth from the twins but they manage to work it out when Keef doesn’t show up for their birthday.

Straight Pike and Poline go to a pub quiz together. Phoney attempts to run the quiz but its too thick to be able to read out the questions so Babs takes over instead. What is the point of Phoney and her “comedy” retardation? Poline lets Pike sleep on her couch and next day everyone is all “Wah Hey, Nudge Nudge, Wink Wink, Etc”. Poline tells Pike that they have to cool it, even though they haven’t actually done anything, so he fucks off and joins the French Foreign Legion or something. Good.

Dot and Jim are all aquiver because Jim’s previously non-existent grandson Bradley is moving to London to start an office junior job in “the city”. There is some non-comedy nonsense about Dot trying to be hip with the young people by buying gangster rap (P Diddy? I don’t think so) and Nuts/Porn for Dummies type magazines. He turns out to be a young ginger chappy who looks like a stray Weasley sibling and drones on about James Bond etc. His acting is a bit rubbish, but most people are when they start so we won’t hold that against him… YET! Word on the street (ie internet) is that Bradley is going to be a gay – look out for clues, gentle readers!!

Dot shows him round and makes Beano and JoJo take him out for a drink. Jojo is still whining about Davetta, so Beano “creates a diversion” (ie tries to chat up Lamy) while JoJo sneaks into TB’s office to read his emails. She fails anyway. The evening is a bit of a disaster so brainiac Beano decides to spike her drink with ketamine to “cheer her up” – I don’t think horse tranquiliser ketamine actually does that but never mind. Long story short, JoJo collapses on the way home so Bradley tries to lift her onto Losers Bench (because Drugs are for Losers!!), ripping her nasty fishnet tights and putting her New Look blouse in disarray in the process. JoJo wakes up and thinks he is fiddling with her and smacks him in the face, giving him a black eye. She explains what has happened to Big Mo and Charlie, who gets a Taxi Driver vigilante gleam in his eye, and they call the police – Bradley is arrested and eventually charged with “slipping her a roofie” and “naughty wrong touching in the first degree”. That’s what you get for wanting to have a proper job, Bradley. If you wanted to be a street sweeper nothing bad would ever happen to you. Beano has moral dilemmas for a bit and then confesses that it was all his fault – he gets a caution, Bradley is released, JoJo is still sad.

TriniDad has vanished into the plot cupboard and left Pat in charge of the car lot. Yolande has some kind of weird personality transplant and turns into a meddling bitch who is always sniffing around making sure that Pat isn’t being naughty. Pat also has a personality transplant and turns into a 14 year old who thinks it is funny to lock Yolande in the portakabin as revenge. Yolande’s evil twin starts getting her bitch on again while Pat’s evil twin is running around re Deano’s Drug Shame and accuses her of not working hard enough, and also of looking like an old whore. *SLAP* - Pat gives her a big smack and Yolande makes excellent “Pauline from League of Gentlemen” style wobbly mouth faces. Yolande – “you’re fired!” Pat – “I resign!” Me – “Whatever!”