SILENCE OF THE MOOMINS
Phoney spends most of the morning in the bathroom, emerging only to rip Billy's head off for looking at her the wrong way, then crying. Which can mean only one thing: another implausibly quick wedding is in the offing.

Speaking of implausible romances, Straight Pike tells Poline that a funny old shopkeeper in a fez has told him to get back into the spaceman costume sharpish, so is she going to marry him or what? Poline says she's quite happy being a lonely, miserable old trout, thankyouverymuch, but Moomin says she's scared of sex. Thank you Anna Raeburn.

Meanwhile Naomi and Moomin's non-relationship continues not happening. Moomin is struck by mildly curious feelings when Naomi peruses the Wimmin4Wombyn columns, but one glance at Martin cuddling the Silent Moominchild and her heterosexuality returns.

I think the Dolescums may still be in crisis, but frankly I don't give a damn.

Cute baby Freddie is teething and his freakishly large head is driving Drippy into psychotic hallucinatory mode. First she rips into the Handsome New Doctor for suggesting teething remedies and implying that she is a bad mother. Then she thinks she has a chance of getting back with Billy. Then she shouts at Handsome New Doctor again when he gets locked out of his flat and has to get Big Mo to break in for him. The good Doktor Boden Shirt has apparently gone on “sabbatical” to the plot cupboard until they can find a good storyline for a paunchy middle-aged, middle-class man who appears to enjoy his rugby. Oh well, that’s him gone then.

All suggestions for Handsome New Doctor’s nickname gratefully received – though Mark and I reserve the right to bin them and come up with something we like instead. What did you expect? Democracy?

TriniDad and Jim are worried about Bradley and the possible effects of a wide selection of grooming products on his masculinity. Bradley apparently doesn’t go to work until noon because “that’s when New York wakes up” – ummm…I can’t think of a polite alternative to bollocks that carries the same emotional impact. So, “Bollocks” it is. He spends his first afternoon of work fetching dry cleaning and getting the cappuccinos in. Jim and Rainman decide to test Bradley’s gayness by fitting him up with JoJo. Bradley: bit too keen. JoJo realises that ‘dating’ Bradders is a good way of extorting money from RainMan.

In another classic RainMan moment, Charlie hears that Billy wants to marry Phoney and has a go at Billy for breaking Drippy’s heart. Just what planet does this man live on? She can get knocked up by a rapist, go mental when Billy has problems bonding with CBF and then schtup her sister’s husband, but Billy can’t get himself a slightly dim girlfriend without inviting the Wrath of Rainman. Anyway, Billy tries to be subtle about proposing to Phoney, but Drippy overhears in a horribly contrived jukebox sequence. Dear EE producers: 1) the volume controls for a jukebox are always behind the bar, not where the punters can get at them; 2) In what world do you hear The Ruts on a mainstream pub jukebox after 1985? In fact, have you lot ever actually been in a pub? No, not a charming gastropub selling organic sausages in Islington; a proper pub, with pasties and Courage Best and swirly carpets…

So anyway. Drippy: sad. Billy: guilty. Phoney: still stupid.

TriniDad has apparently been visiting Antony in his Thai orphanage for a week. Nice. Pat toys with TriniDad some more, and does his VAT returns for him (cue accountanty rant from Mark). TriniDad feigns a bad back, which somehow affects his ability to do books or sell cars or speak coherently. Yolande tries to sell a car and realises that Pat is better at lying about mileages than she is. I can’t actually remember if Pat gets her job back, but what happened to the job at the bookies, or has Shazza sold it?