PATRICK/PATRICIA
Poline and Straight Pike dither around about whether she is going to marry him or not. In the end he gives her an ultimatum and says that unless she is at the tube station at a certain time (romantic!) he will def leave to join the French Foreign Legion. Pike moans to Martin and asks him to help him get into his mother’s pants. Martin agrees, the freak, but says that only Dot has any chance of persuading Poline to change her mind. There are many heavy handed references to Poline’s mum WHO DIED ALONE!!!! but Poline still can’t decide. Dot takes her shopping and they have a nice chat. Poline is worried because she hasn’t “been” with a man since Arfur died, and even then it was, you know… Arfur. Poline and Dot are very good at this kind of stuff, but it doesn’t disguise the fact that this plot is lame. Poline decides to take the plunge and they have a Race Against Time back to the tube station with non-comedy Dot driving shenanigans a go go. Straight Pike isn’t there but it turns out he was only fibbing re the Foreign Legion to make Poline come to a decision. He shows up in the kitchen and Poline smiles scarily and says that yes she will marry Pike and condemn him to a life time of misery and henpecking. Martin is pleased (and hugs Pike but not Poline – strange) and Moomin activates her powers for a sec and gives Poline an Elizabeth Duke gold necklace so she can wear Arfur’s wedding ring round her neck whilst wearing Pike’s ring too. Poline gets sick of everyone gossiping so they phone up the Implausible Walford Instant Wedding Bureau and arrange to get married next week! We will probably find out Straight Pike’s dark secret the week after, if not at the wedding itself.

Phoney and Billy want to move in together but Billy is so rubbish they can’t afford to live anywhere, not even in a cardboard box under the railway bridge. Pat agrees to let Phoney move in with her and Billy. What is up with Phoney wearing a faux fur cardigan under a horrible mangy dog looking fur coat. She isn’t a barbarian riding across the icy steppes en route to some pillaging. Phoney witters on about her dead mother and shows Billy her Box of Memories. Pat feels single and old.

GADawn is hungry for a man and tries to put moves on Lee, but he is too busy standing by the bar trying to work out why he is still in the program. Beano tries to chat her up but she brushes him off, so Beano suggests a wager with Lee – whoever pulls her first is the winner. Lee wins and is about to take her home when Beano pops up to give him his £20 and congratulate him on winning the “Dawn is a slaggg” bet. GADawn stomps off on her own in a huff and is sad (part 1). Next day, GADawn tries it on with Doktor Fox by feigning injury, but he tells her he isn’t looking for a girlfriend (but are you looking for a boyfriend? Eh? Eh?). GADawn is sad (part 2). Next day at work she gets chatting to a smarmy salesman type who asks her out for a meal. At the table he is all Swiss Tony, going on about how a fine wine is like a beautiful woman and a nice car is like a beautiful woman etc etc, and GADawn thinks she has landed herself a high class gentleman. GADawn has evidently never watched television before, because as soon as they get outside he turns all rapey and tries to ravish her. GADAwn whimpers that she thought they really had something but he suddenly turns into a nasty squire’s son from a Georgette Heyer novel and says “You working class doxies are only good for one thing! A sound rogering, by gods teeth! Etc!” GADawn runs away and is sad (part 3). Beano spots her snivelling in the caff and “cheers her up with his cheeky banter” (tm BBC website). A nation sighs as the “Dawn 4 Deano 4eva” plot clanks into predictable motion.

Something boring happens to make DS Keef feel insecure about his marriage. Again.

Moomin and Naomi arrange to go out for drinks but then Naomi cancels as she had a response to her personal add and now has a blind date with, like, a real proper lesbian. I hope they haven’t arranged to meet in the Candy Bar as it would be enough to send her back into the closet at record speed. Anyway, she is nervous about going so Moomin talks her into it and helps her get gussied up for the evening. Moomin demands that Naomi texts asap to let her know how it went and settles in for a quiet evening with Martin, Moominspawn and a DVD of instant child traumatiser Watership Down. Naomi doesn’t text her so she goes round to see her and finds her all dejected on the sofa as the other girl stood her up. Bitch. Moomin hugs Naomi (by basically shoving N’s head down her cleavage) and starts going on all “You’ll find a nice girl when you least expect it, someone who really loves you, someone who works as a nurse and looks like a Finnish cartoon character! Doh! I’ve said too much!” Moomin runs home and repulses Martin when he tries it on with her. He goes to bed in a bit of a huff and Moomin stands there and pulls the Tragic Face of “Oh No, Maybe I am a Lesbian!!”

JoJo wants Bradley to pretend to take her on dates so Rainman will give her money, but Bradley goes one step further and tricks her into going on actual dates. On the way home, he spots Jim watching them through a window and snogs Jojo so he can prove that he’s straight (perhaps). JoJo says “Eww, get off!” and Bradley smirks unconvincingly, as is his wont. A similar thing happens the next day. Zzz.

Pat is still feeling old and single. She tries flirting a bit with Trinidad but he says he was only ever nice to her because he felt sorry for her. Ruh roh. There is much dithering around and finally Pat is sacked for good – but then Yolande finds out that actually Trinidad can’t do book keeping, can’t do VAT, can’t buy cars and can’t sell cars. He didn’t really think this car lot deal through, did he? Yolande says he has to get Pat back on board or else the business is fucked. Pat says she will only come back on board if she is fucked too - by Trinidad on a regular basis. Trinidad says “eep!” and runs away. Back at the house Yolande says “That’s not good enough! Do anything to get her back! Anything! Anything at all! Do you see what the scriptwriters are doing here? Do you see?” Cut to Pat having a fag and growling “Ready for round two, stud!” in her best Fat Pat Babs Cabs voice. Trinidad is in bed, grinning like a loon, still wearing his stupid hat.

Is if that scene is not mentally scarring enough there is worse to come – next day Pat spends the whole time creeping up behind TriniDad and cupping his balls and licking his neck etc. TriniDad tries to get time away from Yolande for more grisly sexcapades but Yolande decides that we are due for a non comedy subplot and says that TriniDad is lazy and needs to take more exercise. She staples a pedometer to his wrist and says he has to take 6,000 steps before he can come home for tea. Trinidad is sad, especially when Pat phones him and says she has whipped cream and tinned pineapple rings at home. Tinned Pineapple Rings. Either Pat is going to play some perverted version of hoopla or she has a very strange concept of “pineapple on a stick”. I dread to imagine what her crudités would be like. Anyway, physics genius Trini-dad finally works out that any, um, rhythmic movement will count as steps on the pedometer and runs off to move rhythmically with Pat. Yolande is impressed with how much exercise Trinidad has got and drags him upstairs for more sex. Oh please make this stop.