SPY IN THE HOUSE OF DOLESCUM
The machines that go ping have restored Davetta to wellness again, and Tony Bennett brings her home. JoJo has flashbacks to life (and death) with JoJo Ma, and acts like she doesn't want to know poor little Davetta. But they make up, tearfully, and Tony Bennett threatens Juley (again). But Juley says he's not afraid any more because his love for Davetta is pure and strong or something like that. I think the cat did something cute at this point.

Oh no, maybe I was just trying to block out the Dilemna at the House of Dolescum. Somebody remind me why I'm supposed to like this lot again?

Keef is still sad because Jim Carver is only marginally less useless than him and therefore better husband/father material in the eyes of Rosie and GADawn. Carver in the meantime puts the moves on Rosie over lunch at the Posh restaurant. There's some stuff about Rocky DVDs and Rosie returns to find the living room in chaos and boys scrapping on the sofa. I think that makes her kiss Carver on the swings of contemplation. Apparently she makes him feel young again: maybe he means that he looks younger next to Rosie's cleaning-fluid ravaged features. GADawn is happy. Mickney seems to be camping out on a sunbed and refuses to come out until Carver has gone back to Sun Hill or Australia or wherever he's supposed to be in The Bill.

Anyway, while JoJo and Stacey go back to being skanky teens, Keef decides to prove that he's not completely useless by setting up a tea stall and undercutting the Bealemeister's prices. Somehow this gets Ian to apologise to all and sundry about his treatment of Wellard the Wonder Dog. Keef gets bored with flogging cheap tea, and anyway Carver gets a job managing Tony Bennett's club and asks Rosie to help him start a new life with him, Mickney and GADawn. Rosie: "And the twins?" Carver: "Ummm...yes..." Rosie: "And Cute Baby Aleesha?" Carver: "ummm..."

Davetta n Juley get back 2getha, and Tony blows a Freudian gasket again. Oh this is getting boring. JoJo refuses to speak to Davetta evah again. Tony B tells her to stay away from his little girl in another of those strange psycho character transformations that he has every ten minutes. Then he whisks Davetta away in the Taxi of Finality. Bye bye Davetta. Hope you do well in your A-levels and get a proper job in a shop or something.

Pat and TriniDad? Oh puh-leese. Anyway, they have a car selling competition, when they try to see who can shift the ropiest old bangers that last saw daylight on Arthur Daley's car lot. It gets "flirtatious". TriniDad runs away after Pat extracts a refund for said dodgy cars from grinning Beano (for it is he wot sold the cars to TriniDad in the first place). Oh get this boy off my TV and out of my life.

Keef starts suspecting that something is up with Rosie Klebb. Maybe it's the packed suitcase in the hall, or the way she interviewed him about the future of their relationship like magazines tell you ("Where do you see us in five years' time?..." "On the sofa with a cup of tea and the Discovery Channel..."). Anyway he KNOWS. Rosie tries to write him a letter, but Mickney reminds her that he can't read. Then she changes her mind about leaving Keef anyway and Jim Carver runs off with the sofa money. The end.

PS: So traumatised was I by having to recall the dramatic non-events in the House of Dolescum that I forgot to mention that I know why the Moominchild adoption/readoption story doesn't make legal or moral sense. The social worker is none other than punk fashion grande dame Vivienne Westwood. Fine for a brocade corset and killer heels, but probably not that great on the niceties of adoption legislation. Anyway, it looks like Moominchild has returned to the Fowlers for the time being, while Adoptogran has cancer treatment. While she's there she channels the frustration of a nation, and cuts Moomin's hair while she's asleep. Go Moominchild!