(MACARFUR) PARK LIFE
I’ve worked out why the BBC are driving EastEnders into the realms of Crossroads. There are no man-size pods hidden in Rainman’s shed: nobody is going to turn on JoJo and do that pointy argh expression a la Donald Sutherland.

Because the BBC is trying to kill this blog.

By forcing us to report on the worst plot twists and personality changes since Pammy woke up in the shower (or whatever happened), they think we’ll give up and go home. Well they’re wrong. Very wrong. Easties Updates will go on, fearlessly exposing the mediocre and laughing at Babs’s wig while adopting JoJo as our very own Skanky Teen Goddess.

Though it would be cool if there were some pods in Rainman’s shed…or maybe they could do a special unlucky lottery number that keeps cropping up in unlikely places that only Billy notices…

Even Babs looks tired of the plot shenans this week, and stops beating up Pat over the Furwank/revolving bow tie incident. Pat’s got other problems though. TriniDad wants to spend Valentine’s Day with both Yolande and Pat (yes, this is my punishment for gloating about Mark having to blog Patrick/Patricia – I get the non-comedy Valentine’s nonsense).

Patrick buys a cheap negligee from the market for Pat’s valentine present, except the world and his dog thinks it’s for Yolande. Straight Pike wears it at his stag night. Ian confiscates the stag party beer money and says it should go to their dream honeymoon in Cleethorpes or wherever. That’s all you need to know.

Later, Pat “surprises” TriniDad with a stunt involving a fur coat and not much else. My EEEEEEYYYYYYYEEEES! The Portakabin’s a-rockin’ just as JoJo comes a-knockin’, and she sees things that her young eyes ought not to see – though Pat and TriniDad are too busy enjoying themselves with the pineapple rings to notice. JoJo spends the rest of the week giving Pat and TriniDad hacky looks and looking sour every time Yolande talks about the massive wrinkly loving she’s getting from TriniDad these days. I don’t blame you, JoJo. TriniDad decides that his poor old heart can’t cope with the excitement of non-stop pineapple hoopla, and gives Pat the elbow. Pat isn’t all that sad, but JoJo sees them kissing in the street and decides to do something about it.

Poline doesn’t want a fuss on her wedding day, but Naomi and Moomin bully her into getting a proper outfit with a hat and everything. According to the BBC site, Martin tells Moomin to start acting like a “his wife” and not some bi-curious lesbotic intellectual type, I suppose. Straight Pike’s daughter Megan appears from nowhere, and wanders around being a bit snotty and hinting mysteriously at Straight Pike’s mystery past. She looks suitably shocked and dismayed at Poline’s hen night where half the room reveals that they have slept with husbands of best friends/relations. Except Dot. Nobody, not even Straight Pike, seems all that sure what Megan is for, other than to look disapprovingly at the Fowlers (Megan: “Who’s that?” Poline: “My daughter Shell…she can’t be here as she’s in Florida and would be stoned to death by an angry mob if she returned to Walford.” Megan: “Who’s he?” Poline: “My son Mark. He’s dead from…errr…something bad.”).

Devil Child Lucy has the best sour face in the whole world, and is fed up that a) Moomin’s idea of ‘spending time with Moominchild’ seems to be to dump her on DC Lucy all day; b) her father must wearing a tinfoil hat because she can’t work out what he’s up to with his secret phone calls. Turns out that Ian is planning a dream holiday (PJane: “Yaaay! Where?”) in SarfEfrika with Kaffee, her pointy-headed gender-confused offspring and assorted teenage footballers – or is that another programme? (PJane: “Noooooo!”).

Chez Dolescum, if I have to. Keef prepares a delicious meal for Valentine’s day, but Rosie Klebb keeps her hatchet face. Then the hospital rings to tell her that Jim Carter’s mum is about to shuffle off her mortal, so Rosie gallops off to the deathbed. Keef: cross. He deletes a message for GADawn from Jim. Everybody goes a bit mental and Rosie chucks Keef out of the house. Keef: sad. MYGus: sadder because his sofa gets colonised by a hairy malodorous lump, and it’s upsetting Wellard.

Poline’s wedding day dawns, and it becomes clear that the idea of acquiring of a stepdaughter that makes her look quite pleasant has been weighing on her mind. She takes off to sulk in the Park of Contrivance, but Megan finds her and delivers a wooden little speech about wanting her dad to be happy, even if she does think he’s mad for marrying such an awful old trout. Dot commandeers Charlie’s cab in the name of love, and they arrive at the register office seconds before Straight Pike follows the old shopkeeper through the mysterious door.

Meanwhile, Pat opens the door to the God of London Acting himself, Phil Daniels. Phil is – wait for it….Beano’s undead dad. Apparently Beano has a habit of running off to random relatives and telling them that his father is dead so can he stay for a bit. Ummm…OK. Anyway, this time Undead Phil wants Beano to stay with Pat because he’s sold the inheritance and he’s off around the world to spend it. An hour later he’s holding court in a corner of the pub while Poline’s reception is in another corner.

JoJo decides that a pub in the throes of a wedding reception with Phil Daniels holding court in the corner is the ideal place to tell Yolande that Pat and TriniDad have been making the beast with two backs (with extra pineapple chunks). Yolande slaps Pat. Pat slaps her back....Phil dives in to save his auntie-in-law, misses his cab and finds his daughter crying at the door because her marriage is dead in the water. Or something. Oh well...