UNITED KILLERS OF BENNETT ON!!
Shazza stirs herself from her catatonic trance to go to Denman’s funeral – I wonder if her funeral director has a loyalty card or something because Shazza is surely due to “get one free” any day now. Fill is all helpful and whispery and Shazza suspects that he is just being nice because (a) he was somehow responsible for Denman’s demise; (b) he is lusting after her miraculously re-fertile lady parts or (c) all of the above. Tony Bennett and Davetta show up to the church service and Shazza’s bosoms start heaving so wildly that Fill has to ask TB to leave before Shazza’s bra explodes and shrapnels everyone with industrial strength underwiring. At the graveside, Shazza lets herself down a bit by rubbing mud in her face and making big scratch marks in it - perhaps Letitia Dean is hoping for a shot playing Medea when she leaves EE, tho knowing her it would be Medea set in a high class beauty salon in the 1940s where she is also a singer or something. They have the wake in the Vic and TB again shows up and is attacked by Shazza, who then bounds outside and starts tearing all the flowers up and howling like a yeti. Steady on, love.

In other news, Straight Pike proposes to Poline and is shot down in flames. Ha ha. You may as well get used to suffering Straight Pike, as long as you are going out with Poline. Moomin and Martin find out they can keep the brat a bit longer too. Sigh.

Wellard is cleared of being a Savage Devil Dog after Panto Jane gives him a character witness (“one time Timmy fell down a well and I was sure Wellard was trying to tell me something” , etc). In a doomed attempt to make Ian into a facsimile of a human being, she also buys him an adorable basset hound puppy.

Beano continues to be a lovable (ie hate-able) cockernee scamp and getting up to schemes etc. Pat keeps asking him to move out and then remembering about FAMERLEE and letting him stay. Deano? Dohno.

DCI Carver continues to monopolise the couch and the TV remote control and get on Dole Scum Keef’s nerves. Good. Also he puts moves on Rosa. Eww. Whenever DSK tries to plot against DCI Carver, his plan always rebounds and makes him look stupid(er). The kids are annoyed as there is always someone on the couch and they can never get their cash out. What is up with GADawn’s horrid orange coat?? One day they come home and find the couch has been replaced with a new one and that the old one is being burned in the allotments. Classy. They are v sad about the money but it turns out that DCI Carver secretly nicked it and has it in the boot of his car anyway.

Fill and Tony have a complicated thing where they know what the other one did and then they know that the other one knows what they did and then they know that the other one knows that the other one knows what they did and then they know that the other one… (stop that! Ed). Tony starts playing with his pistol (not like that perverts) and grinning madly and Fill starts fondling a crowbar and puffing redly. He carries on sweet talking Shazza, taking her to get a ultrasound scan, helping her buy tickets to the US etc, even though Shazza is v suspicious. In the end Fill admits he wants to get back together with her because he is a big fat loser who was even thwarted by Squeaky. Shazza accepts his offer to help her move to America and settle down etc.

Davetta is trying to work out was going on with Juley and eventually overhears that Fill paid Juley to shag her. Poor Davetta! She throws a brick through the Vic window and then starts squealing to TB that he is a rubbish dad or some such. Tony sends a funeral wreath to Babs as a not so veiled threat and Fill goes mental, as his Freudian nutcase buttons are effectively pushed. He goes round to Casa Bennett to batter Tony and instead finds Davetta, passed out on the floor having necked a whole bottle of vodka. Mmmm, vodka! Fill gives her “marf to marf” and him and JoJo rush her to the hospital where she is hooked up to machines that go ping (and are probably designed to extract pure vodka from someone’s bloodstream too). When TB finds out he thinks that Fill was responsible but then is shamed to discover that Fill actually did save his daughter’s life. He offers to shake hands with Fill and call off the feud. Fill accepts but as soon as they get in the Taxi of Finality Shazza says “He’s still dead meat, right?” Fill: “Duh yes!”

Here we go again...