SLATER VS SLATER, PART MMMMCXXXVIII
Hello everyone, I'm back from a holiday in Estonia and Finland – yes, the homeland of the moomintroll!

So, Babs tuts around and criticises Pat’s housekeeping skillz and taste in interior design. She even buys a tasteful print to replace the portrait of a 1970s lady in a floppy hat that Pat has in the living room. The last straw comes when Pat buys a gold plastic cocktail bar that looks like it has fallen off Las Vegas and installs it in the living room. Babs starts moaning that Pat is ruining her house but Pat is not happy to take advice on taste from a woman wearing a wig that looks like an exotic albino cockerel. They bicker a bit and then make up. Babs offers to move into a hotel but Pat says she can stay. I notice that Babs is wearing a top with some kind of tie/cord hanging down the back – I bet if you pull the cord she will say one of her six catchphrases like ”Call yourself a Mitchell?” or “Wos going on here?” etc.

Billy has gone missing after writing Loser on the wall in lipstick (I assume it’s Pat’s lipstick?) and Pat is a bit worried. It turns out he has just gone to visit Sham in HMP Lakeland Plastics Detention Centre and Rounders Training Institute. He says that his life is rubbish and he will take the rap for Sham. Sham tells him not to be daft and comments that it is good they are not proper Mitchells as the proper Mitchells (Babs, Fill, Gwant) are all super annoying. Billy cheers up a bit but then spends the rest of the day staggering round making mean faces and drinking heavily.

LadyDen is feeling down and thinks that the Vic is full of ghoulish murder-hounds. No change there then. Lee suggests they run a karaoke night to cheer her up and show everyone that it is business as usual. He talks her into it, defends her when Babs and Shazza stick their oars in and does the flyers etc. Perhaps Lee could add “must retrieve my balls from LadyDen’s handbag” to his lengthy “to do” list. The karaoke has a special “romantic couples” theme, under strict orders of the BBC Dramatic Irony Dept.

Moomin says she has to stay in and do work but then Naomi comes round and they start drinking wine and discussing dialectical materialism (or something). Martin is cross. Martin has also been working out lately, it seems.

It is Davetta’s last day before she has to go back to Poshworthy Academy for Young Ladies with Complicated Backstories. She plots a night in with Jojo but Tony Bennett discovers them drinking ETina’s wine and listening to young person’s music that I don’t recognise. They think he is going to tell them off but actually he has set up a little VIP area for them in the club with a velvet rope and a gofer etc. How sweet. He even insists that Jojo stays.

It is time for Demi to go back to school. Dasbo tries to put her off to no avail. Some kids on the bus call her a crack head, which is better than being called a crack whore, I suppose.

Ian has to go to a catering conference in Bournemouth, Sodom of the South West. Panto Jane moans that they never go on holiday (which is surprising for an aspirational little twerp like Beale) so Ian arranges for her to come down to see him for the weekend after the conference is over and without the kids. Saucy shenanigans and “shot calling” ahoy!

Yolande finds out that Poline had a salsa lesson alone with Straight Pike and teases her about it. Poline doesn’t want anyone else to find out, but the instructor who looks like the lead singer of Placebo grasses them up, so now Pat and Mo know as well. They all go to the pub on karaoke night and the other three leave Poline and Straight Pike sat alone and keep winking and smirking at them and making “you’re in!” gestures. Trinidad makes a few “Macbeth” jokes. Poline makes Vulcan type faces and eventually strops off so Martin goes after her. He says that she can shag every man in East London if she likes, as long as he doesn’t have to hear about it, and that she should choose life and let her hair down etc. Poline goes back to chat with Straight Pike.

Most of this week is about the Fool/Drippy/Slutty love triangle, which feels like it has been going on since the end of the last ice age. Slutty (aka lead singer of “Anthony and the Johnsons”) and Fool are acting all lovey dovey, while Drippy runs around in a grey cardigan and flinches a lot. Slutty keeps spending the night at Fool’s and he asks her to move over properly. Kids are discussed. Slutty doesn’t want to rush into anything and Fool decides to let her know that he understands through the medium of song (ie he will sing “We have all the time in the world”) at the karaoke. Slutty tells her family that her and Fool are back together and they are so excited that they decide to defrost a special joint of meat to celebrate. Drippy does all she can to avoid going to the dinner but is roped in anyway. Slutty suspects that something is amiss.

The fateful karaoke night comes around and Slutty and Fool duet with the Louis Armstrong song. Everyone is having a nice time when Billy shows up, appearing to be quite “relaxed”. He tries to sing “I will survive” (this and the mystery lipstick lead me to suspect that they are leading up to a “billy is a big gay” storyline) and then launches a rambling speech to congratulate the happy couple on their relationship – everyone thinks he is going to say Slutty and Fool but of course he says Drippy and Fool instead. Fool does an excellent “deer in the headlights” look (note: this is the only time I will be praising his acting this week). Then there is a hilarious slo mo shot of the microphone falling to the ground and some shakey cam and weird muffled roaring noises while Slutty and Drippy tussle in the distance. WTF? I didn’t realise they were getting David Lynch in to direct an episode. Slutty literally drags Drippy home while Billy and Alfie have to face the wrath of Vigilante Cabby Charlie (it is ages since he yelled “I’m just trying to protect my gels.” Go Charlie!). Billy falls over and cuts his head, so Fool goes upstairs to take care of him. Everyone else decides to stay in the Vic and see who survives the ensuing carnage.

Fool and Billy have a two hander. Billy speaks entirely in boxing metaphors and Fool is phoning it in so I stop paying attention.

Slutty smashes up the kitchen – any excuse for a trip to Ikea – and Drippy runs off and throws herself onto her bed and starts crying. Slutty yells that Drippy has to come downstairs if it is true, otherwise she can stay in her room. Drippy creeps downstairs and Slutty sobs a bit and then pulls herself together. They have a two hander as well. Basically it goes: Slutty: “How could you betray me?” Drippy: “Sorry” Slutty: “ I hate you and your goody-two-shoes ways” Drippy “You are a selfish cow who always wants to be the centre of attention. What about me? Meeee! I wanted to be happy after Trevor and Billy and Graham etc” Slutty: “My life sucks and you have just made it suck even more.” Drippy: “Doh!” We learn that Drippy has not Done It with a man since she was raped. Drippy pops back upstairs for another cry and Slutty simmers. Fool comes in and it is two hander time again.

Slutty: “Way to entirely ruin my life by knocking off my sister, if only I had though to bang Backstreet when he was still around!” Fool: “mumble mumble”. Slutty: “Seriously, why did you do it?” Fool: “She reminds me of you, but is less orange!”

Slutty is pretty good in this episode. Fool: not so much

Drippy pops downstairs for a chat and then goes back to cry again. Fool manages to convince Slutty that he is sorry and that it was all ovah with Drippy and they have a quick shag on the kitchen table. Meanwhile Drippy listens to that insipid music/jewellery box thing that Fool gave her for a bit, before symbolically locking it away in a drawer, along with her SHATTERED DREAMS!!! After they have finished rutting like animals, Fool lives up to his name and thinks that everything is back to normal but Slutty is acting all brittle and weird and keeps going on about his relationship with Drippy: Slutty: “Why didn’t you sleep with her” Fool: “Because the EE writing staff are obsessed with virgin/whore dichotomies!” (not really) Slutty: “I bet she said no at first and you kept pestering her. I could see why you’d want to shag her but just having a chaste romance means you must think I have no personality”. Fool: “mumble mumble”.

Slutty starts talking about love and recalls the birth of Teen and how much she loved the baby when she was first born. She talk about how devastated she was when Mr and Mrs Charlie took the baby away and how she thought she was going to die of sadness until Drippy got into bed with her and gave her a hug. She says that if she gets back together with Fool she will break Drippy’s heart and Drippy will suffer every day she sees them together, and that she loves her too much to do that to her. Therefore Fool, you are dumped. Smell ya later, loser. Fool mutters “no… no…” but sadly does not fall on his knees and scream “Noooooooo!!!!!” It is quite a cheesy story but Slutty sells it with her Acting Powers. I even almost feel a stirring of emotion in my black withered heart. Slutty goes upstairs and gets into bed with Drippy and puts her arms round her. Awww.