RETURN OF THE FIVE FOOT WIG
Missed a couple because it was my turn to put Baby Ceej to bed, but I'll try and do a quickie update for you all.

Billy's sad because he doesn't think he did enough for Sham. Sham's sad because she's in Lakeland Prison for Bad Girls and they're making her play on the rounders team. Sham's shoddy solicitor suggests that she should plead manslaughter due to diminished responsibility, or lack of adequate brain power to operate a concrete mixer, but Sham protests that she is telling the truth and LadyDen is the proper murderer. Nobody has bothered to mention that the whole "accessory to a murder/assisting in burying murdered person/not going to the police" thing carries a jail sentence too. Sham makes a tearful phone call to Billy, begging him to break her out or something, but Billy tells her she needs her family around her hint hint. Sham says: "Don't you dare tell my mum, she'll go mad and ground me for the rest of my life..." Um, right, and prison's better. Billy gets a cheque for £25k from Pat to help Sham fight her corner. Hope she's writing it off as a tax loss or something.

Meanwhile LadyDen and Lee are making up for lost shagging time. Shazza pouts and says: "how could you? It's like dancing on my father's grave". LadyDen: "Um..yes? He was a bastard, you know..." Shazza: sad. Come on love, it's not like you've never grieved for your dead dad before.

Denman turns Cute Boy Detective and questions various people about The Night That ODen Died. He sensibly points out that Sham would have needed muscles of steel to lift ODen down the stairs into the cellar single-handed, but nobody's listening. Billy's going around the square with a mad look and telling all that LadyDen knows more than she's letting on and that Sham is innocent. Nobody listens, except for the old folk.

Dot gets a pep talk about weakness of mind from JoJo, who appears to be channelling Ayn Rand these days, but tells Dot that who needs to drive when they've got a free bus pass anyway. Dot passes her test after the tester (Martin Bashir) makes encouraging noises. Sweet sherries all round at the Vic.

Keef decides to get tough with Demi and refuses to tend to crying Cute Baby Aleesha. Demi picks up Aleesha and everything is alright again. She decides to go back to school and face the yeahbutnobutyeahbut jokes.

Slutty makes a last ditch attempt to get Fool back, but Fool ditches her. She then decides to leave the square forevah, and Fool feels his sad face returning. Drippy in the meantime, is practically packing Slutty's bags for her and telling her that a new life in Spain is just what she needs to cure a broken heart. She also witters on about 'magic' and stuff. Ethel 2.0 comments about magic not being anywhere near as fun as a damn good seeing-to. Fool changes his mind after seeing Slutty coming home pissed and unruly, and falls in love with Slutty all over again. Then he has to dump Drippy. She should have got the hint when he sat her down on Loser's Bench. He does that thing where he brushes the hair from her face, but Drippy slaps his hand away and says tightly that it's probably for the best, and flees. Fool: sad, but not for long.

MMartin can't join in with Moomin and Naomi's interleckshual conversations, and sits around burping. Moomin: cross. Poline ends up having a salsa lesson with only Derek 2.0 for a partner. Derek 2.0 and Catford Carlos check out Poline's arse as she leaves and smile knowingly. Do men really do that?

Sham's cracking up in chokey, but the Nurse Ratched-style prison officer tells her to brush her hair and come out to see her special visitor. Yes, you've guessed it. She's taking a holiday from running Grunt's chain of Brazilian shaving shops or whatever, she's got a new wig, and she's back to sort her daughter out. It's BABS!

Babs tells Sham that killing ODen shows that she's a proper Mitchell, and all she needs to do now is set fire to something or have an affair with a sibling's spouse and she's up there with Fill and Grunt on the Mitchell pedestal. Sham's brain returns and she decides that it's best not to argue. Babs returns to the square and tells everybody in the market that none of them are Mitchells, then bustles into the Vic to have a pop at Grieving Shazza about her dad. Shazza perks up for a second to shout back, and Denman takes cover. Everybody cheers the strange shouty little old lady. No they don't. They look a bit scared. Oh for god's sake. Two are prison (including the one we quite like), and the other is poncing around trying to direct Casualty. What's to fear?