SHE WAS A TEENAGE RUNAWAY
Last week was such a snoozefest that I have no interest in recapping it whatsoever. The end.

Only joking. Let’s see… Sham gets promoted from chip van operative to chip shop operative and is excessively pleased. Her and Billy talk about being losers, about being Mitchells and about being loser Mitchells. Sham says she has changed a lot since she was a kid – she even changed bodies completely at one point. They moan about their crappy jobs – well what do you expect if you won’t look for work further than ONE STREET FROM YOUR HOUSE? Sham is worried about what the family will say when they find out she has lost everything. She seems to be on the verge of confessing re O-Den but then doesn’t.

LadyDen tries to clandestinely sell the Vic behind Shazza’s back and spends ages saying “he was a no-good dirty dog” whenever anyone mentions O-Den. As LadyDen is now an unlikeable, one-dimensional bitch it is probably for the best that she is leaving soon. What a waste of a good character.

PantoJane takes the devil children to Franz Ferdinand Aikido Academy and is mistaken for their mum (btw, I have never been to a martial arts class where adults and children practise on each other – normally you start off with someone a similar height/weight to yourself). She is all “bu bu bu but…” but DC Stephen is all “Don’t worry, you’re as good as a mum – as good as all the other fifteen mums I’ve had, anyway.” After weeks of being told that she is a good mum to the hellspawn, PantoJane tells Moomin that she is prepared to open her uterus to Ian’s demon seed and breed with him. I foresee many episodes revolving around Ian’s nads. Why do you hate me, EE?

Dot passes her theory test and Pat arranges for her to take her driving test early in a cancellation slot.

Minty and AGary’s gay idyll is interrupted when a lady mechanic comes to deliver some parts and gives Minty the glad eye. She looks a bit like Jane Horrocks. AGary can’t believe that she fancies Minty over him and makes catty comments until Minty shouts at him. At one point AGary hints that she is a lesbian and actually says “Maybe she’s like us?” (but he means that she fancies girls, not that she is a BIG GAY like them). In the end he is supportive and Minty gets Lady Mechanic’s phone number. Perhaps they can have an open relationship.

Dasbo (brilliant name, btw) tells Demi that Angry Parents are going to ship Lear to Scotland where he will have to live on deep fried mars bars and pizza until he is fat and unattractive and Demi won’t fancy him any more (only joking, Scottish people). Demi and Lear don’t believe him at first but then they do after some perfunctory “conflict”. Lear turns an allotment shed into some kind of Love Shack so he can spend his last afternoon there with Demi and the baybay. He is not the best actor ever. In the end they decide that they cannot be parted and that they will go running away together, running away forever. Dasbo hears and is shocked and appalled – he says that they will have no money, nowhere to live and –gasp!- won’t be able to sign on. Demi says that they will get some kind of work and that they love each other and that’s what’s important. Lear can keep telling himself that when he is busy entertaining gents behinds Kings X station. I’m sure it will be a great comfort. Dasbo helps them run away and then Angry Mum comes to find Rosie Klebb and DS Keef in the Vic and tells them that their darling brats have gone. Wow, her hair is really flat.

Fool, Slutty and Drippy manage to fit about fifteen French farces worth of saucy shenanigans into about 40 minutes of plot. How I hate them all. All these problems could be avoided if Fool managed to learn the simple lesson that he cannot bilocate and do two different things at the same time. That is all it takes! It is not difficult to work out!!! Anyway, Slutty keeps trying to lure Fool into the bed with the promise of backrubs etc but OMG he has promised to go on a picnic with Drippy instead! What would any sane man prefer? Some hot sack action or a Gregg’s sausage roll and carton of Ribena? Fool lives up to his name, goes for the picnic and sends Ian round with an excuse to Slutty (who nearly runs downstairs naked and jumps his bones – phew, saved by the watershed!).

Ian sympathises with her and says it is hard trying to patch up a marriage. How the hell would you know, Beale? When things got rough with Simpleton, you chucked her out and threw all her belongings into a skip! Mel: pretended that your child was terminally ill! Sindy: can’t remember but it can’t have been good as she hired an assassin to kill you! Anyway, Ian sees Fool toying with Drippy’s hair and guesses what is going on. He goes into self righteousness overdrive and tells Fool to sort it out “for all our sakes”. Um Ian, haven’t you got a whore somewhere that you need to call the shots with? Also: Shut up! Fool makes sad faces. I make sad faces too.

Fool has another close call – this time Drippy throws herself at him in his house and then Slutty shows up downstairs looking for “action”. Quick! Dress up as a nun or hide behind the sofa or whatever the hell you are supposed to do in contrived sex farces. Fool makes sad faces and decides to go to Hastings with Ethel 2.0. Hmm, that is an unusual approach and rather devoid of saucy comedy, I have to say. (btw, now that Curly and Lee are off the scene it is surely safe for Backstreet to come back and stay with his family! Where’s Backstreet?)

Denman browbeats Shazza into having an instant marriage with no people around. Shazza agrees but Dot can tell that she is only pretending to agree for a quiet life. Dot and Jim do a pensioner pincer movement type routine to persuade them to have the kind of wedding that Shazza wants (i.e. where she will have the excuse to wear an ugly dress and do something even more frightful to her hair. This week she is back combing it!!) Denman asks Jim to be his best man (I think he should have got Pat to do it in drag). Shazza realises that she has no girly friends and mopes around with a copy of Bridezilla Monthly, trying to get random passers-by to help her pick out wedding dresses. Poline is in a passive-aggressive huff for some reason and says “Apparently I’m a meddling hag, so I’m not allowed to help you pick a wedding dress!” LadyDen just sits there making bitch faces and saying “God, your dad was a bastard.” Shazza moans to Ian that she is lonely etc and tells a contrived story about how O-Den once threw Angie’s engagement ring onto the roof of the Vic and then bought her another one. Shazza wants to climb onto the roof to look for it. I think unkind thoughts about structural reinforcement and scaffolding.

They have an engagement party at the Vic on Friday. In a misguided attempt to cheer up Shazza, Ian cuts out faces of all old cast members and sticks them onto balloons so that Shazza won’t feel so alone. That would be a great plan if her friends were similar to flimsy pieces of plastic (insert obvious joke about least favourite ex character). Ha ha ha. How pathetic – there’s a Vickney balloon! There’s a ‘Chelle balloon! If only they had taken this plot to the obvious conclusion and played ex castmate deathmatch novelty darts. There is no O-Den balloon and Shazza runs off to cry. Ian says he was only trying to help and reminisces about how O-Den could always cheer Shazza up, normally by taking her mind off things by knocking up her best mate or something. Shazza whinges on about her dad for hours and then announces to Denman that she is a Freudian basketcase and must have her dad to give her away at the wedding. Denman glowers prettily.