In fair Walford where we set our scene, two noble families something something and star crossed lovers blah blah blah. Anywayyyyy. The runaways mope around their picturesque squat and moan about being hungry, cold, dirty, poor, stupid etc etc. All around them, people are dealing drugs and hookering with older gents. The horror the horror. They spend their last money on baby formula and Lear knocks it all onto the floor, the great div. Lear and Demi are sad. A friend of Lear who has a great big square head and is trying not to act posh, lends Lear some DRUGS that he can sell on commission – um, I don’t think the drug trade really works like that. Maybe if Lear was trying to sell double glazing or something? Demi is all “No, drugs are wrong! Just say no! white lines, don’t do it! etc” but Lear is tempted.

Meanwhile, The Dolescums all mope around. Mickney and Dasbo roam the streets of London with fliers and Rosa sits around in her dressing gown and flinches whenever the phone rings. Poline goes round to cheer her up and just makes her feel like a lazy slattern (“What? There are no clean tea towels? Tsk, I’ll go round the laundrette” etc). I suppose that’s one way of taking her mind off things. Demi rings Poline and arranges to meet her to give her the baby back but then runs off when Poline tries to get her to come home too. The Dolescums are pleased to see the baybay but realise that Demi must be in a bad state if she has given the baby up. They decide to go and talk to angry Mum and Dad.

In other news, Denman is trying to find out where O-Den is from LadyDen and Sham. Amanda Exposition lawyer lady shows up and twitches nervously so LadyDen agrees to sell the Vic pronto. Denman says he has phoned the police and reported O-Den as a missing person. Ruh and indeed roh.

Minty skives off work so he can get it on with Ms Hammer Time. Agarry is jealous. Ms Hammer Time gets a text from a mystery lady and lies and says she has to go to work. Later on she dumps him. Minty tells AG that he dumped her as he was neglecting his boyfriend too much. AG tactfully pretends not to notice that Minty keeps bursting into tears for no reason.

Panto Jane and Ian are not talking after babygate. They have the aikido demonstration and Jane whips Ian’s ass. Ha ha. PantoJane talks to Moomin and Poline and Poline starts rabbiting on about how when she were a lass before they invented feminism it was considered unladylike to use reason and logic when talking to men and you had to use feminine wiles instead. Moomin and Jane roll their eyes and look testy. Get you, Gloria Moominsteinem. Ian hears his devil brats moaning that Jane is going to be dumped soon and it is a good thing that they didn’t get to know her properly. Ian is shocked and appalled and says that he was horrid to Simpleton back when there were different scriptwriters on the show and that he is a sympathetic/comic character now who wouldn’t do anything so dastardly. He talks to Jane and admits he was unreasonable and says that he will see if he can get his tubes untied or whatever. At some point in all this he makes a reference to “calling the shots”!! Shout out???

Demi and Lear fantasise about moving to Sarfend. Wow, things must be bad. In the end Lear decides to go and sell his crank (as in the drugs, you pervert) and goes to a different picturesque squat, narrowly missing Mickney and Dasbo, who are poncing around outside. Oh the cheap irony, etc. In the new squat, some junk addled ruffians nick all the drugs and throw Lear roughly to the ground. Lear, you are the worst drug dealer ever. Back at Squat no. 1, Demi is waiting nervously. Mr Square Head comes back and puts moves on Demi, even though she hasn’t washed or brushed her teeth for a week and he is not bad looking, despite his cubical skull. She rebuffs him and he says “Ha ha, Lear will put you on the game soon anyway.” Demi is sad and also bored after waiting 20 mins for Lear, so she decides to chase the dragon, as you do. Mmm, drugs, etc. She falls into a swoon.

At Maison Angry, Mr Angry starts ranting on about how Lear ruined his life making him pay for exorbitant hire purchase xmas presents from Grattan catalogue. Damn you, Grattan Catalogue! Damn you to Hell! (What? The? Fuck? The writers must have gone for drinks at lunchtime the day they came up with that). What’s more, Christmas comes round every year!! Damn you, Christian festivals, too! Therefore he will not be helping them find Lear. Mrs Angry sneaks after the Dolescums and says that Lear has run away before to a particular squat and is mixed up in teh Drugs etc. The Dolescums follow her.

Lear recovers from his beating and sits on Losers Bench (South London Division), eating chips from the rubbish bin and feeling sad. He finds one of Mickney’s lame flyers and decides that their families do love them after all and that they can go home. He skips back to the squat and finds Demi all nodded out on Drugs. He thinks she is dead and sticks a dirty great syringe full of drugs in his arm to OD, even though she is like, moving and twitching and breathing etc. What do they teach kids in school these days, it’s all that fancy media studies etc not “What’s the difference between being DEAD or NOT”. She wakes up a nano second before he passes out and starts screaming and carrying on. The various parents all bundle in and call the ambulance etc.

At the hospital, Demi is alright but Lear is in a bad way and has to be attached to many machines that go ping. Mrs Angry dumps Mr Angry and tells him that she is going to take Lear away to a lovely seaside town so they can live happily ever after away from Mr Angry and his, um, anger. That’s Lear fucked then – as soon as she says that he flatlines. A doctor who thinks he is in the First World War (“jolly good show everybody” “Only 14 years old, what a dashed shame” etc) comes out and tells them he is dead (Mrs Angry: “NOOOOOOOOO!!!!”). The Dolescums go and tell Demi and she turns to face the camera as a single, perfectly formed tear rolls down her cheek.