PUBLIC HEALTH WARNING
THIS POST CONTAINS REFERENCES TO IAN BEALE'S TESTICLES AND MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR THOSE OF A DELICATE CONSTITUTION.

Now let me see, which storyline shall we begin with? The distasteful, the murder non-mystery: or the dull as ditchwater teen drug death hell?

Let's get the Dolescums out of the way. Demi is still in orspital, so the other Dolescums busy themselves with social worker visits ( straight -talking lady with a lisp tells Keef that they don't go around stealing stray children any more), and Dasbo goes back to playing on DC Peter's Nintendo thingy. Angry Mum isn't angry any more, but Rosie's not too keen on her new hobby of hanging around Casa Dolescum, staring hungrily at Cute Baby Aleesha.

Moomin has an attractive young friend who needs a place to stay. Jim offers her Moomin's old room and there are many non-comedy hi-jinks revolving around Naomi's pulchitrudinous charms until Dot forces her to wear a winceyette nightie.

Naomi also happens to be in attendance at Beale's hospital appointment.

Speaking of which. Stop eating and take a deep breath before you read on.

Ian's dick doctor asks him for a sample, but he's not too keen. PJane has to force him into the bathroom with a copy of Catering World while she takes the devil brats to an open public place to tell them of her plans. Instead of breaking into chants of "one of us! One of us!", DC Lucy asks why does the world need more demon spawn and what is this weird thing that makes otherwise sensible women want Ian Beale's babies anyway? PJane realises that she has a point and changes her mind. Ian's balls can breathe again. And so can we.

That doesn't mean we miss out on Beale pain though. Oh no. During Denman's Pathetic Stag Night, he cops a punch from Tony Bennett. And that, apart from the non-comedy male stripper, is all you need to know about Denman's Stag night.

Meanwhile the Chickens of Doom are clucking at Shazza's Hen night (venue: the Slater living room - since when was she bezzie mates with the Slaters again?). Shazza and Denman report Oden missing, Sham gets twitchy, and LadyDen realises that the HE WAS A BASTARD act won't wash with the hunky Scots 'tec assigned to the case.

Under questioning, she suddenly remembers that ODen popped in on Sham just before he disappeared. McHunk visits Sham, who denies everything, then mumbles something about ODen taking a tube, or was it a cab, or maybe he flew away, borne on the backs of winged monkeys? Later Shazza drags her to the station to make a statement. Detective McHunk tells her that every single cabbie in London has an alibi for that night, and all winged monkeys were accounted for too. McHunk says he expected more professional lying from a Mitchell. Sham's reply is about as effective as tattooing GUILTY on her forehead. She runs into Ladyden on the way out. Ladyden: satisfied that her evil plans are working.

The hen party is in full swing. Big Mo moans about the lack of love action swinging her way and JoJo tries to hit the vodka when nobody is looking. Shazz thanks Sham and makes feeble conversation about Oden leaving his half of the pub. It so sucks to be Sham right now. Slutty glowers at Ladyden and Sham, and warns them to leave Teen out of it. Sham tries to warn Shazza that Ladyden is eeevil, but Shazza tells her that Ladyden is the best stepmother a girl could ever ask for even though ODen done her wrong big style, and that Sham's just making trouble. There's a fight. Ladyden tells Sham she's on her own. Denman glowers prettily. None of it makes the slightest bit of sense to any sane human being watching.

Oh, and Fool returns just as Ian cops a punch from Tony Bennett. He has made a decision (A nation cries: "Hurrah!"). He's going to dump both Slaters (A nation sings: "Yay! Psycho Slutty! Qu'est-ce que c'est!"). Then Drippy practically dribbles on him in public, and starts gushing on about their future together with Cute Baby Freddie (who isn't on solids yet...hmmm). And he gives a stick of rock with "I Love You" written through it to Slutty, who takes it as a Freudian slip. So he stands them both up or something, and tells Ian that can't make up his mind (A nation groans) .

Oh, and the old girls go to a salsa night, where Poline evades the octopus charms of Catford Carlos once again, and saves a rather helpless-looking widower from Big Mo, who is up for it with anyone.