RUN FOR YOUR WIFE (AND HER SISTER)
The Good Sister/Baad Sister battle is on. Drippy is wearing my favourite flowery skirt - as if she'd shop at John Lewis, EE producers! Anyway, she has teamed it up with a pink jacket and top which I wouldn't be seen dead in. All she needs are tiny cartoon birds tweeting around her head, and the effect is complete. Gran whisperer Slutty, on the other hand has been using stall profits to restock her wardrobe with 80s dominatrix gear, complete with tiny leopard print mini skirt that I haven't seen outside a Yazz video circa 1990.

So, poor Fool shuffles between the two like a confused poodle. First he and Slutty are going on a date, then Drippy strongarms him into a date at exactly the same time. But Ethel 2.0 says she wants to go to the bingo... Slutty tells Drippy she's going out with a mystery man who is separated from his wife. Drippy says: "Oooh, my new man is separated from his wife too...and she was a right old slapper by all accounts." No lights go off in Slutty's head as she's too busy sending Fool off on cutesy treasure hunts around the Square. Fool: worried. Ethel 2.0 cancels the bingo in front of the Slaters, leaving poor Fool with no escape.

Pat's sad because she didn't have a proper 21st birthday in 1962 or whenever it was. Poline suddenly comes over all saintly and arranges a surprise fancy dress party for all the old biddies who used to hate Pat but have now come to acknowledge her as a Goddess. Tony Bennett offers a corner of his club, and Pat comes over all unnecessary as the horrible memories of her real 21st birthday come flooding back just as we were all getting curious (not). So, here it is. Pat missed her 21st birthday because she was too busy arranging a back street abortion for one of Tony's whores. She did so well that Tony offered her a job as Madam In Chief For the Whole East End. There's gratitude for you, eh? But Tony secretly hoped that if he gave her a job, she might fall in love with him instead of Wicksy's dad or Furwank or something like that. Pat looks surprised. Tony looks soppy. He must have been the World's Worst Pimp as well as being the World's Second Worst Gangsta.

Poline and Big Mo have also gone into MechaBridezilla mode for Shazza's wedding. LadyDen calls in Amanda Exposition to sit at the bar and make nasty comments about Shazza. Amanda also tells LadyDen that she needs ODen's signature to sell the Vic. LadyDen says that might be a bit difficult and forges ODen's signature while Amanda whitters on about having her lawyer's reputation on the line etc. Given that she came up with that nutty scheme to expose ODen as a loathsome Lothario if he didn't sign over his life to LD, I think LadyDen might be onto a loser there.

Everybody says: "But she's your...ummm...ahhhh...that's lovely..." when Shaz and Den announce their plans. Even Poline caves in at the chance of being a MechaMotherBrideZilla again. Denman tries to assert himself as Shazza starts talking about churches, big cakes and wedding lists at Argos. And wins. Like that would happen in real life.

Fool persuades Ian to cook two romantic meals and then runs between Slutty and Drippy while Drippy is supposed to be tending to a sick Stacey. We don't find out if he gets lucky twice in one evening, but Slutty and Drippy are both all: "La la laaa! Hello Sky! Hello Flowers!" on Friday morning. Fool gets everybody to wash and iron some t-shirts that he ruined in a water fight with Slutty. Billy dresses up as a dog to scare some toddlers at Bobby's birthday party. They were probably expecting Clifford the Big Red Dog, but they got Billy the moth-eaten old mange-bag. Ian congratulates PJane on her child-pleasing skills.

Drippy thinks that with Fool, Drippy, Slutty and Billy being such good friends, nobody would mind if she went public about Fool. Yes Fool, she is mad. Walk away now.

Nobody is telling Demi about Lear's imminent removal to Scotland, so she skips off to another secret rendezvous. Dasbo (new name for Dumber, because he isn't that dumb) , finds out that Lear is being spirited away and grasses.