GET DEN TO THE CHURCH ON TIME
The nice BBC lady said that it's ultimatum time for Shazza and Denman. Again.

And then I went on holiday to a place without broadband. Sorry it's late.

Shazza is still in a Freudian brainstorm and goes into orange detective mode. She quizzes Ladyden about a postcard from Spain. Ladyden twitches and says it's from one of ODen's loser mates, though ODen didn't have that many friends because HE WAS BASTARD. Denman pouts when he finds out from Ladyden that Shazz still wants ODen there, even though ODen WAS A BASTARD. He throws a strop at MMartin's birthday party, and throws the dolly mixtures at Betty or something. He says that he won't marry Shazz if ODen is there. Shazz talks him round. Oh for...

Dasbo leaves a message for Demi on her moby, but finds out that she didn't take it with her. The Dolescums report her missing, and Dasbo gets grilled by a nice copper, who notices his guilty expression. Dasbo says Demi is in South London and Rosie starts screaming. Actually she spends a lot of this week either screaming or looking tired. Mickney offers to go and look for Demi (starting where, exactly ? work west from Woolwich?).

Moomin has planned a posh restaurant but that goes out of the window in favour of Poline's bash: Dot's sausage rolls and a small glass of sweet sherry around the Fowler fruit bowl with the Beale Devil Children sulking upstairs. Dot looks in on them playing Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas and offers advice to DC Lucy: "Accelerate into the corner, bitch! No, don't worry about the skanky ho, she's armed anyway! Oh, give it here!" Apparently, beating an eleven-year-old on a computer game gives Dot renewed confidence to try her driving test. Only she has road rage on Test Day and gets out of the car to handbag a white van man wot cut her up on the Mile End Road.

Pjane wants Beale's baby. Instead of sprinkling her with holy water and dotting the caff with crucifixes and garlic, Moomin thinks it's a good idea. The baby hunger gets extreme as the week drags on, and PJane starts marking the caff calendar with her ovulation days while also leaving the Daily Mail Family Healthcare Guide open at V for Vasectomies: God's punishments for. Finally she broaches the subject with Ian, and it doesn't go as planned.

PJ: So, what would you say if I was pregnant?

Bealemeister: What? Impossible! Leave my home and never darken my doorstep again, you Jezebel harlot! Not another spawn of a whore's unholy lusts, weren't Bobby and DC Steven enough, oh Lord?

PJ works out that he's not exactly keen. This causes trouble in the House of Beale, devil children start glowering and PJ finds herself irresistably drawn to the open oven... I'd care if I could, honestly.

Poline and Rosie Klebb wander the mean streets of Thamesmead in search of Demi. Meanwhile Nice Copper thinks that an Emotional Appeal To the Press might work. Only he doesn't know the Dolescums very well, and it all goes horribly wrong when Keef drops Lear's drug dealing past into the conversation with the weasely journo. Journo smirks and writes a: "MISSING DOLESCUM'S DRUG HELL" story that prompts Poline to tell Rosie that everybody's made mistakes in the past. Well, the Dolescums have stopped short of murdering their best friends and hanging with Nick Cotton, I suppose, but there's still time. Lear's mother gets all shouty about the implication that the Dolescums are somehow better than Lear's lot. Demi decides to call home in the middle of all this, and gets shouted at. Phone goes down. She crawls back to the squat and tells Lear that everybody hates them.

Sham discovers that Shazza is off to Spain to look for ODen and panics about what might happen when she has questioned every ageing Lothario and leather-skinned doxy on the Costa Blanca and discovers that none of them have heard of ODen in ages. Ladyden throws a mini-wobbler involving a ring or something. Shazza says she won't go. Then Poline tells her that she has to achieve closure. Or flaunt her crypto-incest happiness in front of ODen and tell him there's nothing he can do about it.

PS: Minty gets it on with Lady Mechanic and AGarry is heartbroken but he can't work out why. He tries to tempt Minty with a Wet Ham season ticket and a very short DVD of the Hammers' European triumphs - or maybe it was a CD of Malcolm Allison reading his favourite Bible verses - which would be longer, readers? Anyway, Lady Mechanic turns out to be a sadly delusional Iron Lady Mechanic. I cannot be the only person who thought of David Mellor with a shiver when she appeared at the door in the WH away strip...