WAITING FOR PARKOT
A pale male arm emerges from under a modish duvet cover. It’s Smarmy and he’s about to wake the sleeping figure beside him. It’s Dr SheWolf! Oh no, what will GADawn say? GADawn is busy twitching curtains chez Dolescum and her finger is hovering over the abortion clinic number, which she must have on speed dial. Dr SheWolf twitches every time the phone rings, expecting it to be GADawn’s abortion. Smarmy tells her that everything’s fine and maybe they don’t need a baby to keep their marriage going anyway. SheWolf orders him to keep GADawn happy with fine wines, cheap lingerie from the market, and a good seeing-to if that’s what it takes.

Smarmy finally persuades GADawn to stay over. Dr SheWolf goes and sits in the café with her slightly mad smile on all night by the look of it. Next morning, Smarmy, who realises he is but a sperm donor in Dr SheWolf’s Baby Hunt, tells her that GAD has ordered him to leave her.

Dr SheWolf visits GAD at home to offer more advice on womb control. GAD finds out he hasn’t left her yet, so decides to tell the Dr herself. Oooh…cat fight. Dr tempts her back to the flat and calls her a “cheap little tanorexic” who doesn’t know the difference between true love and a cheap shag. Dr gets a few more good insults in before she gets bored with GAD and her ‘bovvered?’ face, and starts chewing the scenery in order to stay alive.

Mr P offers the following: “Oh for god’s sake, why don’t they just get together and kill the bastard?” But he doesn’t know that it’s all part of Dr SheWolf’s Cunning Plan. Not quite sure what the point of this Cunning Plan is, but apparently SheWolf is pretending to be a bit mad in order to keep GADawn onside. Smarmy finds this very arousing. Dr SheWolf does the over the shoulder face and looks bored.

DVDLi finds out about Dasbo’s Russian bride scam. As an internet professional, I’m not quite sure about the economics of this little venture, but somehow Dasbo guarantees her #500 per month if she writes a few ‘sexy emails’ to her interweb saddoes clients.

Chelski loses her job, and doesn’t mind because she can spend more time annoying BroJo. BroJo smarms to Nurse Tanyah and gets Chelski her job back. Chelski puts Rainman off his breakfast.

Battle of the battleaxes update. Atkins gets drunk. Pat looks disapproving and offers tea, sympathy and Goddess wisdom. Deano starts a fight with some bloke who has been chatting up Atkins and a newly-returned Babs chucks them both out of the pub. Atkins gets locked out and spends the night on Pat’s sofa. Deano: so, so confused.

Carly finds Atkins on the sofa and starts shouting again. Pat tells Atkins to leave town. Atkins refuses.

NurseTanyah works out that Mo has been corrupting her family’s morals with her filthy knockoff fags. Mo gets caught by Customs, who search the Slater Tardis and fail to find the entire gross tobacco output of the state of Virginia in the living room, but they do her for tax evasion anyway. Mo decides that NurseTanyah is responsible and vows terrible revenge. Oh well, that’s Dadley and JoJo DOOMED then. Thank Christ for that.

Smarmy tells GAD that he’s been taking money out of the joint account, and one day they will run away together. It’s like they were reading last week’s blog, isn’t it? Smarmy tells Dr SheWolf to tell her friends to stop bitching about GADawn. He’s just no fun any more…

Mrs Goggins finds out about BroJo, and tells him to leave Chelski alone. BroJo turns on the charm and tells Mrs G that just jealous because Chelski’s getting some, and Parklife ran off. Chelski finds out, but still doesn’t dump him.

Carly tidies up the car lot office. Pat tells Carly she has to let go and offers the example of Furwank’s nervy b as an example of what to do when a close relative runs off with all your joint earnings. Carly untidies the office and invites Atkins out for a bite to eat and a drink.

Mrs Goggins packs up Parklife’s collection of foreign films and stripey shirts. Carly puts them out for the dustmen.

Cut to umm…Dungeness. A lighthouse. Ooh, are we having one of those Easties Away segments? Parklife, clad in existentialist black and dark brown, tears up his world trip tickets (except for the one to France) and throws them off a lighthouse. He walks along the beach and finds Mr Guppy from Bleak House/doctor bloke off Dorkwood in a beach hut. They fight, and Guppy does his ankle in. It gets a bit Godot while they act their socks off on material that is thinner than a Brazilian model’s little finger. Guppy nicks a bit of Derek Jarman’s garden to kill Parklife with, but Parklife makes him put it back. Eventually they go to a pub and play pool with London Calling playing in the background. That's...like...significant, isn't it? Parklife offers fatherly advice. Guppy nicks his bag with his tickets to France in. Parklife nicks a local’s bike and chases the bus to Folkestone.

Mo and Rainman play darts and Carly gets very very drunk. There is mother/daughter shouting. And mother/daughter bonding. Then more mother/daughter shouting. A dart ends up in Mo’s arse. Fill removes the dart from Mo’s arse, and then has to lie down in a darkened room to expunge the image from his head (and ours). I quite like Fill the grumpy landlord: it’s better than Fill the spudhead gangsta.

Non-comedy sub-plot. Pat and Deano play Trivial Pursuit. A nation discovers that Pat is a Trivial Pursuit demon, and possibly even more competitive than my mum.

OK, this is where it goes from Godot to Lost Highway. Parklife finds the burning wreck of the bus on a cliff path somewhere between Folkestone and Dungeness. Blimey, all we need is Sherilyn Fenn screaming her head off... Not quite sure what has happened. Maybe it’s a lorry crash; maybe it was Al Quaeda. Anyway, everybody’s dead, except Guppy, who dies quite hilariously in Parklife’s arms; jerking and everything.

Minutes later, Parklife gets out of a cab in Walford. (Maybe this is the Robin Hood Prince of Thieves moment, when Kevin Costner tells Morgan Freeman that Nottingham is only 15 minutes’ walk from Dover.) Anyway, he ends up at Atkins’s flat. In Atkins’s bed! This can only end in tears. Of boredom!