THE DISCREET SMARM OF THE BEALEGEOISIE
I was out a lot last week so it’s cribbage time again. Sigh.

JoJo and Dadley continue their weird, repetitive and repulsive on/off relationship (though it seems to be more on than off). I can only assume that Dadley is v well hung as I can’t see why else Nurse Tanyah and JoJo would spend so much time fawning over him. Anyway, Duckface has a faux ann summers party and Di Vi Di Li borrows money off Dasbo to buy some pleather undergarments to sell. It all turns out to be a cruel hoax though so Chelski and Duckface can watch her make a fool of herself. That seems a bit much considering they are only fighting over MICKNEY, who doesn’t seem worth the bother, to be honest. The three of them start squealing and pushing each other but then it cuts away before the proper catfight starts. Boring. Nurse Tanyah is also there and Jojo has much angst re Dadley.

DVDLi can’t return the money to Dasbo and @@ is cross, but then it turns out that loads of sad inadequates blokes have signed up to their mail order bride site so they are suddenly loaded. Hmm, are they going to rent out Chelski and GADawn or is this basically a big fraud? Some bloke manages to track them down to Walford and says he is going to come and check out the fictional Olgas for himself. Ruh roh. In other news they think that a webcam of DS Keef might make them money. Trampcam.com?? I suppose I’ve seen crappier websites on the internets

Prison Bitch Bert spends half the week being feckless and irresponsible, while Pat pops up from behind the occasional lamp post to shout “Oi, stop being feckless and irresponsible!” and then disappear again. Ok Bert, if you aren’t going to fuck off back to Emmerdale can you at least cut your hair? That stringy shit is giving me the creeps. The Social come round and Jay is all “yes, I’m v happy here etc and so on” as he would rather even be stuck with Bert than be taken into care. Anyway, one day Jay-Z (Z stands for zombie, of course) is caught stealing a bacon butty from the caff because PB Bert has neglected to feed him his daily helping of BRANES. Doh. Bert has an epiphany, decides to be responsible and gets a job as a street sweeper but he’s still v annoying. Also his mystery ailment reoccurs and he crashes his dustcart into a stall. Let’s hope it’s something terminal.

Dr Fox buys DS Keef a drink and whitters on about sudoku puzzles for a bit as a lame pretext to suddenly squawk, “How is GADawn and her costly womb?? Tell me?? Tell me??” Dr Fox finds out that GADawn has met “someone” in the Cotswolds and immediately starts panicking that her precious baby will be stolen away by a horny handed farm labourer (or stockbroker, seeing as it’s the Cotswolds…).

I am really sad I missed this next bit (honest!) as Ian decides to try and be middle class and has an excruciating dinner party with the other middle class people of the Square (Dr Fox, Smarmy, Dadley, NTanyah). It all goes tits up when they all start going on about GADawn and adoption and the Foxes run off in a huff and Ian gets drunk. Better luck next time, Bealemeister. Bourgeois respectability will be yours one day! Later on it is the anniversary of their miscarriage and Dr Fox whines about her uterus AGAIN

Sdulla helps Ben with his homework. Exciting!

Jay’Z gets one of the Tanyettes to start smoking. Equally exciting!

The rest of the week is taken up with BroJo’s attempts to get into Nurse Tanyah’s knickers. BTW, does it count as crypto-incest if a brother and sister are trying to knock off a pair of spouses? Anyway, BroJo spends the whole time sniffing round Nurse Tanyah and offering to sort out her fusebox (that is not a euphemism, you pervs) at the Hair Patting Shop. It turns out he learnt to be an electrician as well as a sexy brooding psychopath whilst in the army. Nurse Tanyah starts off all “sod off you twerp” but then she changes her mind and is all “boo hoo, Dadley keeps binning me off when it’s time for marriage counselling” and BroJo is all, “You poor thing, tell me all about it… IN BED!!!”

BroJo overhears Dadley whispering saucy come-ons to JoJo on his mobile in the pub (though he doesn’t know it is her yet) like, “wear more self tanning lotion, it really turns me on” and “I love the smell of urinal tablets in the morning,” etc etc. He tries to prove to Nurse Tanyah that the Dadster is having an affair but the seasoned love rat deletes his call history off his phone. Bah! Foiled! BroJo continues to flirt with NT in various ways in front of Dadley, driving Dadley into a jealous rage that causes him to throw BroJo against the wall and say “grr” a few times in a totally non gay stylee. Poor Nurse Tanyah, destined to be fought over by a pair of charmless gingers. Dadley thinks that BroJo is going to do it with NT in the hair shop one night and bursts in to surprise them, but it is all a cunning ploy on BroJo’s part and instead he is doing it with Chelski. Gasp!