BEN FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST
Thanks to Red Nose Day, I only have three eps to do this week. Hurrah!

Parklife does the walk of shame from Atkins boudoir of cheap nylon garmentry after begging her not to tell anyone. He runs into Pat who tells him off for being a numpty and then says she will support him etc. Parklife then meets Beano and Carly and they all hug and forgive him too. Beano finds out about Carly’s big strop that sent Parklife packing in the first place and there is a bit of shouting. Great.

Parklife goes round to see Mrs Goggins and says, “I’m sorry. I made a mistake but it was horrible. That bloke from Torchwood died for no reason and then I had to drive a moped off a cliff. Crazy!” Mrs Goggins is all, “So you’re back, from outer space, coming home to Walford with that look upon your face…” and slams the door. Later on she says that her and the girls are moving to Leytonstone. Didn’t we just have this storyline two weeks ago? They are forced to sit together by their kids at a red nose day pub quiz and Atkins does a drunken speech about how her life sucks, but Parklife and Goggins are clearly made for each other and should get married. Later on, Parklife shows up at the Post Office and proposes to her. Mrs G says “You won’t get round me that easily – oh wait a minute, you will!” and says yes. Cue another unfeasibly brisk wedding, no doubt.

Billy is having money problems as everyone is eschewing his video shop in favour of DVDLi’s DVDs. He doesn’t tell anyone. Phoney gets a job as hairpatting receptionist though. Cue “boo hoo my wife earns more than me, I’m not a real man!” snoryline? Phoney is full on with her malapropisms this week but I will not encourage the scriptwriter by repeating any of them.

Dr Shewolf is still whinging on about GADawn and Gadawn is still whinging on about Smarmy. Shewolf complains that Dawn is eating too many chips or something and says “We can’t put her in a box!” in a tone that suggests that she could instead make her live in the bottom of a well and lower supplies in a basket (“It will put on the lotion! It will put on the lotion or else it will get stretch marks!”). She says they can put GADawn up in a flat “so we can control what she eats or drinks”. I think Dr Fox is confusing “flat” for “prison”. Smarmy tries to sell the idea to GADAwn but she doesn’t want to live in a damp bedsit on her own.

Dadley/Jojo affair drags on for another week. High point = Jojo getting dolled up to look “sophisticated” like Tanyah and everyone laughing at her. Dadley also says he wants to move to Spain with her. Oh as if.

Abi Tanyette sits with Ben and makes fun of him for liking Sdulla now. Ben explained that she was nice to him in that weird Hall of Mirrors malarkey. Abi tries to get Sdulla into trouble by telling Fill and Babs that she lost him, but Ben and Sdulla both team up to downplay it. Later on Sdulla accuses Ben of betraying her in her dry whispery voice and stares at him coldly from the top of a flight of stairs. Brrr. When did Sdulla turn into Nurse Rachett? Later on she manages to make Ben and Abi fall out completely and also gets Abi into trouble when Nurse Tanyah goes round to ask why she shouted at her daughter.

Ben is a bit unwell and Sdulla offers to look after him. They watch a DVD (crappy BBC version of “Lion/Witch/Wardrobe” – if Billy’s shop doesn’t have the posh Hollywood version with Tilda Swinton then it deserves to fail!!), then Sdulla offers to make them a nice hot chocolate and deliberately burns Ben’s hand with the hot spoon. Oh my god, so hardcore!! This storyline is actually pretty good now – especially as it is Ben who is being tormented, though I’m sure step mums all over the country are grinding their teeth in irritation. She tells him it is a joke and then gets him to lie for her again when Babs asks why he is wearing a plaster. Sdulla says all creepy stuff about how Daddy isn’t going to love him any more now that he loves her – then says “ha ha, only joking!” and offers to make him another HOT DRINK!!! Ben makes a wibbly face and the BBC bod announces a phone line in case Emma Thompson’s sister is menacing you with caffeinated beverages too (I know I know child abuse is v serious).