AU REVOIR, LA MOOMIN
Who could it be??? Gasp – it is Straight Pike, coming to collect his belongings and confess all in the style of a Scooby doo villain. He explains to Dot that Poline was a miserable old bitch who didn’t even pretend to be nice to him and never put out or anything. He hit her with a frying pan on xmas day but she seemed fine afterwards (and let’s face it, he didn’t leave any visible marks) and it was all her fault anyway. Oh the dramatic irony that Poline would be laid low by her trusty husband battering pan. Dot starts screaming “Moiderer! Moiderer!” and dials the police, but Str8 Pike dashes the phone from her grasp (though it is still switched on so the 999 operator hears the whole confession). While they are grappling, Jim happens to be passing so he runs upstairs and um throws Str8 Pike out of the window! Ha ha, I’m not joking! Str8 Pike bounces off the porch, crashes through a market stall and lands in a heap on the pavement. Ouch, that’s going to leave a mark definitely. Buh bye Straight Pike, what a boring character you were. Does that mean your prison bitch Bert is leaving too? Oh.

By Monday, Moomin has been released, Str8 Pike has been pinned with Poline’s death and Jim has been cleared of any crime. Wow, that’s the quickest police investigation and inquest ever! Martin wants to get back together with Moomin but she thinks it is a bit quick, what with him accusing her of murder just last week etc and so on. Poline’s will is read out and Martin gets the house as long as that Dirty Jackson doesn’t live in it. Ian rubs his hands at the thought of Martin falling for Moomin’s ahem charms as that means he will get the house. Martin and Moomin bicker and make up and bicker again. They have sex at some point too and then Martin shouts that he just wanted a wife but Moomin couldn’t decide whether she wanted to be a lesbian! or read a book! or play the trumpet! Trumpet playing, literate married women all over the country give the TV a quizzical look.

In other news; Evil little scrote Ben manages to drive drippy Sophie Thompson out of the Vic and back to her damp bedsit.

GADawn, Smarmy Metrosexual and Smarmy Metrosexual’s luxuriant chest rug start canoodling again. Rob says he will leave Dr Fox after GADawn has the baby but they have to string Dr Fox along in the meantime. Dawn agrees because she is stupid.

We finally discover Parklife’s dark secret and it is v boring – basically he isn’t Deano or Carly’s real dad (that would be some bloke in the back alley behind the pub – a different one for each kid). Deano is shocked but then accepts it but that insufferable little madame Carly starts whining and carrying on until Parklife grabs his passport and drives off in the dead of night, never to be seen again hopefully. Meanwhile Atkins puts moves on Fill and Agarry (while wearing a black netting blouse like something Marylin Manson would wear in one of his shittay videos) and later gets slapped by Carly.

In the end Moomin decides to go to Manchester and live with Bianca so she can sort her life out. Also there might be a chance that her mum will actually visit her there! At the last minute, Martin throws himself in front of the Taxicab of Finality and says that him and Chloebacca are going too and Moomin just has to shut up and agree with it. Poor old Moomin does as she’s told and they kiss in the back seat while Chloebecca smiles like an evil little goblin between them. What a creepy shot. Then they drive off and I am heartily sick of them, so good. Buh bye Martin and Moomin, you have provided us with lots of laughs over the years, not many of them intentional but never mind. I expect to see Martin on the Bill and Moomin on Holby City any day now…