THEIR BLOODY VALENTINE
Dr Fox is all, “I was disgusted that you shagged that hussy in my house!” Smarmy is all, “I’m doing it for you! So you can have a baybay! It’s no fun for me either, ahem ahem.” Later on Dr Fox apologises and arranges for a night of hot loving with Smarmy (cue shirtlessness to keep Patrick happy). GADawn phones about 15 times while they are Doing It and then leaves a message to say she has gone to stay with her mum. Dr Fox is worried that Rosie Klebb will talk sense into GADawn. I assume she never actually met Rosie Klebb.

Bradley spends the evening in the pub with JoJo and decides that he lurves her again (I can’t really take Bradders seriously any more after Harry Hill pointed out that he is always making faces as though he just farted…) Next day it is Valentines Day and PR Fluffy Lydia sends round a huge stalkeriffic basket and balloon arrangement thing. Bradley gets her a shitty cheapo card and then buys her a manky rose off a bloke in the restaurant when they have a romantic lunch. (Why name a restaurant Fargos?? It just reminds me of Steve Buscemi being put in a wood chipper. Mmm, seconds please!!). Then he dumps her and says, “It’s not you, it’s me!” Yes Bradley – it is you, acting like a real tool. Couldn’t you have waited another few days to dump her? Lydia stomps off to delete all the files off Bradley’s computer at work. Bradley runs around to declare his lurve for JoJo but she is too busy shagging Dadley and tells him to get lost. Ha ha.

Dadley is v unromantic to nurse Tanyah so she arranges a nice meal for them herself and asks Dot to watch the kids (non comedy Vday subplot – Jim pretends to have forgotten and then cooks a nice meal behind Dot’s back, but then Dot shows up with the girls. Jim pulls his patented “dohhhhh!” face). Dadley texts to say he is stuck at work (ie shagging JoJo). What a tool – couldn’t he have waited til the day after? I’m sure JoJo and her lady parts would still be there on 15 Feb. Nurse Tanyah says they have to go to marriage counselling. Then there is some business where Dadley is nearly caught out buying gifts for both his birds and getting the receipts mixed up or something. I think this plot would be a lot better if Text Pest BroJo was still around to glower sexily at Nurse Tanyah.

The Fill/Sdulla/Ben subplot is now in a weird temporal loop like on Star Trek where the same thing keeps happening over and over again. Ben is mean to Sdulla, Sdulla runs away, Fill gets her back. Rinse repeat. This week Babs also goes on holiday.

I quite like dead eyed urchin Jay too. For some reason he reminds of one of the zombie kids from Day/Dawn of the Dead and I certainly hope he ends up killing Prison Bitch Bert and cannibalising his corpse. Anyway, PBBert is all neglectful etc and Jay runs around stealing stuff and bunking off school. Yolande sucks her cheeks in and tries to be a bit parently and tells PBBert when is being a fule (well, more than usual anyway) ie like when he ignores a truant letter, even though it could mean PBBert being back sent to prison and being a burly convict’s wife again. Yolande and Trinidad bribe the miscreants to get out of the house for Valentine’s Day so Trinidad can leer at Yolande’s rack and say “yeah, mon” a few times. Jay gets sick of roaming the streets and goes back anyway and ruins their romantic shenanigans. Later on he finds out he has to go to school and has a bratty fit and breaks something. Yolande says “that’s it!” and says they have to move out.

It turns out that Dasbo is running a Russian mail order bride website. Ok, that’s believable.

Deano is sick of being teased re missing Parklife and makes up a lie – perhaps that he is staying in a house, in a very big house in the country. Mrs Goggins is chatted up by a handsome man in the Vic but says “No thanks, I have a man actually and he certainly hasn’t left me, nosiree bob.” The police come round and say that they have found Parklife’s car at Beachy Head. Everyone is worried that he has killed himself dead (except for me, who is HOPING that he has killed himself dead). Carly meanwhile has pulled herself together and starts running the car lot. Maybe Carly is actually short for Carlotta??? What are the chances etc. Pat is pleased but then it turns out that they owe Fill rent for the car lot and also Carly has to pay for the car she smashed up pointlessly last week. Pat goes to sort out the money but discovers that Parklife has emptied out all the business bank accounts. Everyone is pleased at this sign that he is alive, except for Mrs Goggins who feels more and more like an inhabitant of Dumpedville.