This week we have just two main plots to entertain us, and because I have the so-called “January blues” I watched every second of it, for the first time in ages!

ATKINS DIE(T) !!
Hurrah! Atkins finally shows up in Albert Square, but before much happens we get a close up of her torn fishnet stockings, black microskirt and red shiny pleather jacket, just in case we were in any doubt that she is a PROPER SLAGGG! Meanwhile, in Pat’s care home for benneton esque family arrangements, Chelski and Carly are arguing about the bathroom and Deano has a hangover from NYE. What is the point of Deano again? At least he is not unpleasant to look at, I suppose. Somehow, Parklife gets wind of Atkins appearance and rushes off to thwart her. He drags her into the gents’ bog (as if an open unattended public toilet in London still exists) and spends about three hours overacting at her, forcing her to beg, pushing her around and tipping a rubbish bin over her. I was not a big fan of Parklife and his dubious acting at the best of times but now I actively dislike him. Atkins takes it all with hatchet faced stoicism and eventually says she’ll leave Walford after Parklife threatens to beat her up.

Carly is on the way to the funeral when she spots Parklife and Atkins bickering and uses hitherto unsuspected ninja skillz to hide behind a lamp post and watch. After Parklife has gone home to whine to Mrs Goggins, Carly phones him to ask why he isn’t going to the funeral and he tells her loads of lies. Carly makes a gurny face (actually her acting is not too bad this week) and then ninjas up the stairs of the tube station behind Atkins’ back and comes down off the platform just as she is buying a tube ticket. They are all “oh, fancy meeting you here” and start chatting. It turns out that there isn’t a train for a while (eh? Tube had Sunday service on NY day) so Carly invites “Sue” back to hers for a cuppa and a bath (???? - I know they have to get her out of the way somehow so the others can chat about her but still…) where, of course, Parklife sees her and makes a gurny face.

After the stupid, plot mandated bath, Atkins is sitting in the kitchen and everyone is making veiled comments until Carly finally yells, “I know she’s our mum!” and the cat it is out of the bag. Parklife carries on blustering but Carly insists that her and Deano speak to Atkins alone. Atkins explains that she wasn’t ready for kids and had to run away but wants to get to know them now. Carly tells her it isn’t good enough and tells her to get out and Deano reluctantly agrees. As she is stomping off, Atkins phones Parklife and tells him that he has to smooth things over with the kids, or else she will tell everyone Parklife’s Dark Secret. Parklife makes a “ruh roh” face. I hope his Dark Secret is really embarrassing.

Mrs Goggins says that Parklife is scaring her (thus setting up a scene where she sees Parklife hit Atkins and goes “yoiks, my new man is a woman beater too!!”) and then inexplicably goes to the pub where Atkins is failing to charm the likes of Minty, Agarry and Fill with her non-sparkling disposition. Atkins and Goggins banter a bit and then Atkins begs for Mrs G to give her contact details to the kids. Mrs Goggins throws the bit of paper away but then has an attack of guilt and gets it out of the bin again.

CSI: WALFORD
After spending the last week running round shouting that Poline was a nasty old hag, Str8 Pike finally apologises to Martin and asks to come to the funeral. Martin says yes as long as he keeps the hell away from him. Everyone else gets dolled up to the funeral, with lots of feathery black hats like partially dismembered crows for the ladies. Minty and Garry miss it because one of them forgot to set the alarm (so EE actually admits that they sleep together now?) and Mo has non comedy shenans with the buffet.

Moomin is keeping Chloebecca welded to her side to avoid her asking any of those awkward “Why did mummy batter granny to death” type questions. They all go to the church and Chloebecca slips away. Dot goes after her and Chloebecca asks her “Why does mummy keep trying to use her Moomin powers on me? What is she trying to hide?” Meanwhile, Martin and Ian snivel and overact as they give speeches (I probably haven’t mentioned it but I love the new DC Stephen! He is a hilariously bad actor. Also DC Lucy appears to be turning into Rachel Stephens.) Moomin rushes out to stop Chloebecca spilling any beans but it is too late. Dot asks Moomin what is going on and Moomin simpers unconvincingly and says “Why, what can you mean Dot? Nothing is going on? I certainly didn’t beat Poline’s brains out with my fearsome moominpaws! Nosiree!” Dot looks sad and thoughtful. They go back to the church and Dot acts like she is going to give it all away in her speech. She doesn’t but then nips outside and calls the cops. They arrive just in time to stop Poline’s withered husk of evil finally being committed to a fiery furnace to the strains of Dusty Springfield, and whisk it off for an autopsy.

In other news:

- Dr Fox gets through a scene without whining about her ovaries once!

- Jojo slinks around in a horrid, rat skin looking coat and canoodles with Dadley right under Nurse Tanyah’s nose. She sets up a date with him in the Park of Contemplation and gets all gussied up in quite a nice dress, for JoJo. Dadley stands her up though, as Nurse Tanyah has let her kids make her over in a 15 yr old, Claire’s Accessories stylee and it gives him the horn (which is quite creepy really).

Back at Walford, everyone piles into the pub and gossips about the shock scandal. Mo jokes that Poline must have been bumped off by Mr Opodopolos, in league with Betty the dog. That makes about as much sense as anything else in this stupid soap. Ian overhears them and squeals, “Do you think it’s funny? Do you think it’s funny?” No Ian, but your acting is making me laugh.

Dot swoons and takes to her bed. Moomin stands around with the police going “Ha ha ha, Dot is totally senile, she makes up crazy shit all the time!” and Chloebecca slips away yet again (she must go to the same ninja class as Carly) and Moomin goes after her to find Martin on Losers Bench. The plot rapidly takes a sharp turn towards bobbins-ville as Martin has turned into a crazy paranoid nutcase and mutters that he knows who did it, someone who hated Poline and wanted to wreak a vicious revenge on her. Moomin starts whimpering but Martin actually means Str8 Pike (whom he likens to Fred West!) and wants to go and beat a confession out of him. Moomin says that that might not be such a good idea so Martin starts screaming that if she’s not with him she’s against him (seriously!) and runs off into the night to beat up a convenient scarecrow (seriously! – though I was hoping that they would superimpose Str8 Pike’s face onto the scarecrow and play spooky music before he did it). Moomin goes home and Dot tells her to confess whatever the hell it is she has done. Moomin doesn’t want to as she says no one will like her then. Oh Moomin, no one likes you anyway. Ian finds Martin and sends him home where – gasp – Str8 Pike is waiting to apologise. Martin jumps on him and starts to choke the bitch. Moomin stands around watching while Dot keeps going, “Ahem, haven’t you got something you’d like to tell everyone, Moomin?” Moomin eventually shouts, “It was me!” in a weird honky voice and everyone stares at her. Moomin and Martin have a long, dull conversation (which seems like a good time to make tea) and then Martin sneaks Chloebecca away to Poline’s palace of misery. Moomin goes after her and Martin turns nasty and says he will never let Moomin see her again. Moomin cries and then slaps Martin, so Martin drags her outside by the hair and throws her roughly to the ground, just in time for her to be arrested by the police for MOIDER!!!