ANOTHER SHODDY CRIB ALERT!
Sorry, but it's late, I've been busy, and I 've only just got my laptop up and running again. So here's the shoddy crib from the BBC site

Monday
Chelsea implores Denise not to flee Walford. Martin receives a surprise birthday gift

Why not leave Walford Chelski? You're more likely to find a flat with a working washing machine, and there will be jobs galore outside the force field that zaps anybody who goes up the stairs to the tube station, I promise. Anyway, Mrs Goggins is all confused. She loves Spandau, she doesn't love Spandau. Chelski walks in on them kissing and throws a wobbler. @@@ almost smiles - but I think that's the thought of Chelski getting together with Beano the loser. Anyway, they're staying.

MMartin turned 21 at the weekend. Blimey, I remember when Poline was pregnant and wearing extra large cardigans and Arfur was contemplating the Christmas club money with a gleam in his eye. Poline keeps badgering him about the post, and it turns out that she put Arfur's compensation money into a trust fund for him when he turned 21. Having said that, if she had spent it on keeping him out of jail, he might not have ended up fathering a child in his teens, killing someone and marrying an on-off lesbian while still living with his mother. Just a thought.

Dot discovers that Jim was a mean drunken oaf and was particularly mean to Dadley. Poor Dadley.

Tuesday
Denise is terrified when Squiggle goes missing. Jake and Carly discover their sexual chemistry.

Ew, ew, and thrice EW! I'd hate to be the cleaner at that night club. Just imagine the emissions you'd be cleaning up in the office every other night. So, Lee and Carly do it in front of Tony Bennet's video screens. Carly: slightly guilty because she hasn't quite split up with MMartin or something.

Ian doesn't want Dawn to be the barmaid when he takes his new Masonic mates out for a drink, so GADawn meets up with Slimy Metrosexual instead. If this was The Archers, he'd turn out to be a cad and a bounder who frightens Tom's pigs and sells crack to Ed Grundy. As it's EastEnders, he'll probably be a posh gangster type who will pull GADawn into the murky world of corporate finance and polo match fixing. Like I care.

@@@ is still having problems with the old dad beating up mum not being a good thing, er, thing. She runs off and Spandau tries to convince her to go to her nan's in Spain and then shouts at her when she wonders if that's a good idea. Parklife finds her sobbing in a corner and takes her home.

Jim/Dadley: still not speaking.

Thursday
Owen's desperate to make amends with Squiggle. Pauline catches Carly in a compromising position.

Spandau's sleeping in a skip. St Gus pulls him out and tells him to stop making the place look untidy. Mrs Goggins is snappy, but somehow Parklife notices that she's on edge. What's she doing, throwing knives at him? Anyway, Parklife rudely awakens Spandau with a left hook and they fight like girls for a bit until Lee breaks them up and hauls Spandau back to the club for a change of clothes and fresh vodka. Meanwhile Parklife screws up changing the Gogginses' locks and whisks the girls over to The Wicks Temple of Truth and Beauty for safety. Spandau finds@@@ but she screams and drops her keys. Spandau twirls his moustache and lets himself into the flat, where he eavesdrops on Mrs G and Parklife. Mrs G says that Spandau is a drunken loser who isn't going to beat her up any more.

Carly tells GADawn about Lee and GADawn goes: "ewwwww! No, not him. He was in The Office and was mean to The Divine Lucy Davis". Poline catches Carly at it with Lee in the club and looks sour. Or maybe that's her usual look.

Mrs Goggins asks Parklife to leave her alone, and then tells Spandau to come out from wherever he's hiding.

Friday
Owen can't contain his anger when Denise delivers a few home truths. Martin's birthday hopes are dashed.

You'd think he'd be used to wave upon wave of blistering invective, but Spandau definitely don't need this pressure on and to cut a long story short tries to throttle Mrs Goggins. Parklife has set up some weirdly complicated phone ringing code that even a vodka-sodden, punch drunk soak can work out, so it's nearly too late when @@@ discovers that she's lost her keys and Parklife dashes to the rescue.

Meanwhile MMartin's birthday starts off OK, and he even lets Moomin and St Gus in to spread the love around or whatever. Well, too much love is spreading around the club, and Lee soon disappears with Carly. GADawn also mentions to MMartin's friends that Carly might have organised the party, but MMartin is still very dumped. MMartin: sad. Moomin: refusing to activate powers just yet...