PO FACED KILLAH
Poline has passed the boundaries of sour faced ness and is now a full-on raging harridan. She spends all of Monday following Mmartin around, henpecking him, telling him that if he eats anything that he’ll spoil his tea, gloating about that dirty Jackson Moomin and poisoning Chloebecca’s mind against her. In the end Mmartin turns round and calls her an “evil bitch” and tells her to shut up! Wow – go Martin! Poline is all “how very dare you!” but Martin puts his foot down and says that if she doesn’t stop being so hateful she will lose everything. Everything! ( apart from Straight Pike, whom she is welcome to keep). Next day, Mmartin decides to grow a spine and let Moomin have Chloebecca for the day. Chloebecca is all “Granny Poline says that you are no better than you ought to be and that everything you touch rots and dies!” Moomin is sad but perseveres and plays with her and Gus until the brainwashing starts to lose its effects, but then Poline shows up and takes Chloebecca away and says that Moomin is an evil drunken trollop etc etc. Moomin: sadder.

Next day Moomin has to see her tutor about a placement at A&E or something. Pity the accident victims of Walford Borough. The nurse lady says that Moomin has got the placement but that everyone has noticed that has been acting all crazy lately and that she needs to check herself before she wrecks herself. Or something. Moomin goes home and promptly dumps St Gus – after all, when you’re trying to get over a week of alcoholism and sexual identity confusion then the last thing you need is a supportive, kind boyfriend. Gus is sad.

Mrs Goggins is still a bit antsy after Spandau-gate last week and won’t let @@@ go out on her own. Chelski rolls her eyes a lot. St Gus chats to @@@ about her school poetry project and kerr-rash - we have an instant crush, complete with @@@ gazing moonily at Gus in the caff and lurking on losers bench and peering at him through shrubbery. Pls don’t boil Wellard in a big pot @@@, thanks. Chelski unsuccessfully tries to cop off with some blond bloke I have never seen before and also decides to apply for a job at Tanyah’s Hall of Head Spraying.

Minty/Agarry/SJ – oh is SJ a cheating slut, oh no it’s all a misunderstanding part XXXVVVIII. Minty spots SJ with a bronzed hunk on the doorstep of her shag pad and is jealous for a bit, but then it turns out that it’s only SJ’s brother. Before long she’ll have the entire staff of Walford’s branch of Walkabout living in there. Mark my words.

Ian gets a credit card statement for £300 from the hooky card that GA Dawn ordered and is angry. He makes her cut up the card and tells her to never darken the Bealemeister name again. Of course next day he has to go grovelling back to her as he has been invited to some dull WTF function and needs a fake wife to take along. GADawn agrees for £££ and then goes to see Smarmy Metrosexual to take out a new card anyway. Minx.

Mickney thinks that Nurse Tanyah fancies him, but she doesn’t, surprise surprise. Meanwhile Dot and Jim bond with the Tanyettes and take them to the zoo etc. Bradley brings his work colleagues to the Vic (including one colleague with a speaking part and two mute ones who make up the numbers). They are all dicks and try to cop off with GADawn and take the piss out of Bradley. Dadley is cross and goes “Grr smash” with Speaking-Colleague. Speaking–Colleague mocks Bradley even more – there are even scenes of Bradley being mocked at work in an office set and everything. Colleague makes all these “hilarious” animated GIF things of Bradley’s head on a baby’s body – I bet he is the type of colleague who sends loads of shit joke emails that you’ve already seen about a million times and spent about three days at work making comical Zidane headbut animations. A boss bloke comes up with a cheesy contest where both Bradley and Speaking-Colleague have to compete for the same PA job. Dadley says that Bradley should stop at NOTHING, NOTHING I SAY to get the job so Bradley lures Colleague out to the boating lake near the Swings of Contemplation and shoots him like in godfather2. Not really – he just gets Colleague fired by sending a dodgy email to everyone from Colleagues’s PC, though he probably would have got the job anyway with his dull homilies etc. When Jim finds out he thinks that Bradley has gone over to the dark side and throws him out for being a cheat. Um yes Jim, who spends his entire life lying to Dot so he can gamble and carouse etc.