“You’re MY WIFE NOW, Dawn…”

Dadley and Tanya (who was brilliant as Beth in No Angels so will now be called NoAngel, NoAngelsBeth or NABeth or something) move into Tony Bennett’s house. Jim doesn’t like it, not one little bit. Dadley starts introducing himself to the locals and meets Fill, who says, “Hello, my name’s Phil Mitchell and I’ll be sleeping with your wife in about two weeks’ time…” Bradley is still mad about Dadley moving in – his furiously blushing cheeks are like some weird mood indicator or something. (How does he blush on cue like that? Truly, the man is an acting GOD). Anyway, he goes for a shout at Dadley and Dadley tells him that NABeth and the girls are dying to meet him. This pleases Bradley and his mood-indicating cheeks drift back to “mellow”, but then Jim goes and lets it out of the bag that Dadley hasn’t told them after all so Bradley goes round and asks NABeth straight out just as Dadley comes to the door. Ruh Roh!

Unsurprisingly, NABeth isn’t too happy about the LIES and threatens to move out before they’ve even moved in. I’m happy to report that Dadley and NABeth are both excellent actors and there’s a very good scene where Dadley tells NABeth that he doesn’t want to build bridges with Bradders if it means burning them with her. It turns out that the girls’ names are Lauren and Abi, one of whom (Lauren) wears far too much make-up for a 12 year old, so I think we should call her MiniPop. Anyway, MiniPop guilts NABeth into staying because she’s excited to have a long-lost older brother and a long-lost granddad. Dadley: pleased. Later they all meet Moomin when Abi injures herself by practicing the long jump on the concrete (not the sharpest tool in the box then). This gives Jim a chance to ignore them and say that they are Dadley’s kids, not his grandkids. I hope they string this out for a decent length of time rather than wrapping it all up within a week or two. (Are you listening, scriptwriters? Are you bollocks.)

Prison Bitch Bert is still at the Slater’s. Rainman displays previously unsuspected depths of Cunning and lets Bert sleep in so that he can sing “Mac the Knife” at the allotment on his own. (This is every bit as weird as it sounds). Later he locks Bert in shed and leaves him in there overnight! Ha ha! Good. If only he could leave him in there permanently. Or set fire to it. Anyway, Bert also injures his ankle, which makes me laugh unreasonably loudly.

Agarry and Phil have one of their “oh so topical” World Cup conversations about going out on penalties. It’s quite impressive, really, except they edit it in really badly and it looks awful. My mind wanders and I start thinking about how nice it is for Garry and Phil to film their scenes that morning and then see them that night, rather than having to wait three months or whatever it is.

The Bealemeister: Master of Deception. The LIES just keep on coming. In fact, if you had a drinking game where you drank every time the Bealemeister lied to PantoJane you’d be shitfaced within minutes. Anyway, Dawn fleeces Ian for a new dress and then wears a saucy half-dress, half-corset number to impress the Masons while she pretends to be his wife for money. At one point she tells them that Ian is always making her dress up for one reason or another and the Bealemeister makes that hilarious squirmy face he does so well (cf when he caught Janine scrubbing their Sheets of Shame in the laundrette and she called him a pervert). Anyway, Dawn then makes Ian buy her some cheap-looking jewellery in the auction for £150. I’m finally beginning to see the point of Dawn. When they get back, a furious Jane catches Ian handing over the cash, but Dawn lies for Ian, trapping herself in his web of lies once and for all. Meanwhile, the Bealemeister is invited to meet the CCTV committee (as Lee rather amusingly calls them) and Ian suddenly realises that Dawn will now have to pretend to be his wife FOREVAH. He panics though and tells Dawn to “go back to your own world”. Ouch. You know that’s going to come back and bit you on your scrawny ass, Bealemeister.

Over at the House of Dolescum, Keef deliberately fucks up the interview (“I sleep till 12 and can’t read – is that going to be a problem?”) and Rosa decides she’s hads all she can stands and she can’t stands no more, as Popeye used to say. Unfortunately, they’re about to get married so she prepares to suck it up and do the decent thing. Keef tries to make an effort (apart from getting a hair cut, having a wash or trimming his stupid beard) but as he’s on the way to the wedding he spots Genghis rolling around in some shit and decides to join him. I think Keef turning up to his own wedding caked in dogshit might be the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen on EastEnders. Anyway, throughout the wedding, Rosa looks trapped and terrified and finally she bottles it and walks off. Keef doesn’t understand all the fuss – after all, it’s only a bit of shit. What’s the problem?

There are non-comedy shenanigans with Ben sulking and feigning illness because boo hoo, sack racing is too difficult. Phil says he’ll help him practice. Ben has got a lot cheekier in the last few weeks and he makes Phil do it, since he says it’s so easy. Phil, his ears no doubt burning from 15 million “potato in a sack”-type jokes being told simultaneously, does some of the world’s worst sack race acting and falls over, unconvincingly. Ben loves it though and they bond, Mitchell-style.

Back at the Dolescums there’s a Crisis Meeting. Rosa’s hiding out with Babs and Keef is still stewing like a fool. Rosa finally comes back and apologises but tells Keef: “I’ve fallen out of love with you. It’s OVAH!” Ha ha! Sucks to be you, Keef. She also develops a rather shocking cold streak and later tells him, “This is a new life and I just don’t want you in it”, in front of all the kids. Harsh. Still, it’s no more than he deserves. In fact, this storyline fails miserably because it’s impossible to feel even remotely sorry for Keef. (Every time I watch EastEnders I keep hoping there’ll be a number to evict Keef at the end but it never happens). She also makes Keef tell Dasbo he doesn’t want him around, so he’ll go with her for “a better life in the Cotswolds”. Anyway, Rosa is true to her word and fucks off, taking Demi and CBAleesha with her. She’s going to take Dasbo too but he starts crying in the back of Clint’s car and she has a change of heart. (Actually, this bit is really sad – Rosa’s crying was really realistic and Dasbo’s breaking down in tears scene was very well acted. Maybe he deserves to stay after all. Shame we have to lose Demi though. Also, apropos of nothing, I’ve just noticed that the actor playing Clint is called “Huggy Leaver”. Weird.)

Moomin continues to be jealous of Carly bonding with Rebecca. Meanwhile, Carly has the devil’s own job trying to impress Poline, who looks even more orange than usual. Luckily, Michelle phones and tells Poline that Shazza’s had a baby and called it Dennis, thereby setting up yet another Dirty Den storyline in 18 years’ time as well as Shazza’s imminent return. Carly’s very good at making the “listening to Poline” face and there’s amusing moment when Moomin mistakenly thinks Carly’s having Martin’s baby. Carly cements her Poline-bonding skillz by mastering mobile photo technology and sending pictures to Michelle for her. Moomin tries to join in but Poline makes hacky face and says the battery is dead. Moomin: sad. There’s some nonsense about Moomin not signing the divorce papers and Carly confronts Moomin about it (hang on – surely it was only last week she said the relationship wasn’t serious?). Anyway, Moomin seeks comfort in MYGus (they shag next week, apparently) and signs the papers. She then plans a night away with Rebecca but Rebecca says she’d rather hang out with Martin and Carly, thankyouverymuch. She then asks Carly to be her mummy for the sports day race in front of Moomin. Moomin: sad again. (This is all so she’ll go into Moomin Meltdown and hit the bottle in entirely plausible fashion next week). Oh, there’s also an amusing bit where Carly tries to talk Martin into a dirty weekend, so that Sonia can be with Rebecca and the Bealemeister overhears and says, “A dirty weekend in Brighton? I would!” Yeah, alright, Bealemeister, no-one’s asking you. I wonder how long it’ll be before he’s paying Dawn to let him “call the shots” in ze bedroom?