SCARAMOUCHE SCARAMOUCHE WILL YOU DO THE PHONEY-DANGO!
St Gus is alternately wondering where his halo has gone and checking his moby for Moomintexts. Juley, in the meantime is sad about being poor and useless. He takes the cleaning job at the Vic. Fill smiles and says he has blocked the toilets specially for him. Davetta laughs when she sees him wearing Marigolds and Juley makes a snarky comment about trustafarian brats living off Daddy's ill-gotten gains. Davetta: sad. JoJo decides to cheer her up with a night "up West", consigning Bradley to an evening with a DVD and a pizza.

There was a movement in the 70s and 80s where radical feminists encouraged straight women to embrace lesbianism in order to shake of the shackles of the patriarchy. Personally I just saw it as another cheesy chat up line (I wore my hair very short in those days), but political lesbianism the only explanation I can come up with for Moomin's sexuality see-saw. Moomin sees MMartin snogging Carly at the stall and decides to become a visible ex-lesbian with St Gus in front of MMartin. A nation yawns and tells her to make up her bloody mind.

Dadley keeps getting naughty texts from That Tart. Nurse Tanyah pretends not to hear anything and witters about getting Jason the interior designer to price up the refurbishment of the nailbar. Bradley announces that he has no father. Dadley: sad.

Parklife realises that confidence is the preference of those that pursue Mrs Goggins, and treats her to a picnic in the park. Mrs Goggins doesn't shout, so I think that means she approves. @@@ doesn't though, and says he's too ugly to be her new stepdad. Parklife tries to win @@@ round with her favourite meal and a feminist textbook so that she can look up "tool of the patriarchy" at her leisure. @@@: not impressed.

Moomin discovers that Bradley is sad about being left home alone while JoJo and Davetta party. There must be something in St Gus's saliva because Moomin feels a strangely familiar stirring and suddenly: MOOMIN POWERS ACTIVATE! She persuades Bradley to go and make up with Dadley, and then celebrates by rogering St Gus senseless.

A sultry temptress type is slinking around the market, flicking her tempting locks and asking where the Brannings live. Yes, it's That Tart, who would be called That Scots Tart, but I can't be bothered with that, so we'll call her McTart instead. Dadley finds her slinking around the Vic and tells her that it's ovah. McTart won't take no for an answer. Dadley is about to shout at her some more when Bradley walks in, full of good intentions. Dadley introduces McTart as a client who he is definitely not sleeping with. Bradley blushes pink and says: "yeah right. I have no father...etc"

NotDavid Essex and Aunt Sally turn up to hand Phoney over to the Mitchells in a naked ceremony involving shrieking, curses and invocations to The Horned One. It's another church do then. NotDavid tells Billy that if he doesn't look after Phoney, he'll find out what fox hunting is really like from the sharp end, and NotDavid will string him up by his nipples like Richard Harris in A Man Called Horse. Meanwhile Phoney celebrates her hen night with Aunt Sally and Babs, who tell her that marriage is nothing but a eternal circle of lies, cheating and raising other womens' children. Phoney retires to bed. Hang on, how can she possibly be eight months gone and still able to sleep on her back?

Moomin gets drunk (I dunno, probably some Moominchild-related incident that I missed). Fill tells her that Jaymee is looking down from heaven and shaking his head in sorrow at how low she has fallen. Moomin tells Fill to bugger off and stop ruining her buzz.

Parklife's cars get keyed. Suspicion falls on @@@, but @@@ won't say that she didn't do it. Dasbo decides to Do Something To Help Her. Might as well lock her up now, then.

McTart books an appointment for a home hairspraying and patting session with Nurse Tanyah. I think she has some plan to say: "Oh by the way, I'm sleeping with your husband" while Nurse Tanyah is mixing up the hair colour. Not a good move. Anyway, Bradley manages to stop McTart from telling Nurse Tanyah by turning into Mean Bradley. How odd. My husband can do that Instant Bastard act too. Mean Bradley tells McTart that she's just another in a long line of Dadley's Tarts, and tells her to get out while she still can. Exit McTart. Bradley glowers and blushes prettily. There's some confusion about a watch later, which Bradley returns to Dadley, only to inform him that he can't be bought off like a McTart, and he's still not talking to him, so there. Dadley shrugs.

Billy wakes up on the morning of his wedding in the middle of a SilentNight warehouse, wanders out, dressed in nothing but his West Ham boxers. I reckon the producers are Leyton Orient supporters, what with all this anti-West Ham defamation that goes on in EE. Anyway, there are shenanigans. Billy ends up in jail, then gets released. Fill and AGarry end up in jail after Fill starts a fight with a man in a vest at the police station. AGarry gets told to shut up a lot. Billy meets Minty back in the square, but all he has to wear is a lime green suit of Naomi's, plus an 80s sociology teacher-tastic tie with piano keys on it. Billy and Minty get locked in a bathroom. Fill saves them, but the shower rail's a goner.

Meanwhile, fights have broken out at the church. Phoney breaks them up and the vicar tells them they have to leave to make way for a male voice choir singing Bohemian Rhapsody at the 2 o'clock funeral. Billy and Phoney end up on Loser's Bench, wondering if there is any point to this lightning wedding business. It's a shame about the viewing figures, because this week's EE had some really good bits - mostly written by Sarah Phelps. So, more Sarah Phelps, producers, and less of this sexual swapshop gangster nonsense.