MOOMINDRUNK
Carly and GADawn are planning a holiday to Ibeeffa, which gives me chills at the thought of a Spanish comedy week abroad that I will have to write in Spanglish after last year’s Franglais masterpiece. GADawn is a bit short of cash so she blackmails Ian into giving her work at the caff, Ian promptly turns around and sacks Juley – Juley??? Is he still in it? Juley moans to St Gus that he is stoney broke and pulls a “massive credit card debt” plotline out of his arse. St Gus looks judgemental, yet saintly, at his brothers foibles. Juley gets Fill to give him a job (despite the “boning a teen girl” debacle last time Fill gave Juley a job) but it is a cleaning job and Juley is too proud/stupid to accept it.

Dole Scum Keef is lying in his own filth, staring at the telly and licking the carpet for sustenance. GADawn yells at him to get off his arse and go shopping but he spends all the money on pie filling and tubes of wasabi or something and is mocked by his spawn. If GAD is going to start being mean to Keef all the time then I am all for her. Later on she is kind to Dasbo and promises to look after him. She also ditches her holiday with Carly in order to keep an eye on things at home. Phew – muy felicidad escapeo!! They eventually get DSK out of the house by moving his manky chair to a market stall so he has to sit outside and actually do work – he turns out to have the ”gift of the gab” or whatever. Yeah right.

Chelski’s boss at the restaurant is this new character (new to me anyway. Oops) called Elaine who I think is played by that annoying bint who won “pro celebrity duet singing” and who was v whiney and annoying on it (”Why are you being mean to me just because my singing voice is like a cat being pushed alive into a dualit toaster and I am competing in a singing competition???”) Her card is marked for sure. Anyway, she has the hots for the Parklife and somehow tricks him into going on an imaginary date at the restauarant.

Moomin stumbles into a work with a hangover and has the dry heaves when confronted by some dude with a bloody knee. They have built an entire hospital set and everything. Very fancy. A bitchy nurse keeps hovering round and saying things like “Don’t use a dirty mop to clean someone’s head laceration , Student Nurse Moomin!” Later on she sniffs alcohol on Moomin’s breath and calls her in for a telling off. Moomin whines about her home problems and Bitchy Nurse snaps “We all have problems! You have to be 100% committed!” Um hello thanks – Holby city is thataway. Moomin goes in the next day for a meeting about her crapulosity and decides to steady her nerves by drinking some neat tequila or something. Oh Moominpaws… She ends up being suspended for two weeks. Martin and Poline find out and say she can’t spend time with Chloebecca and is a drunk, a tramp and an unfit mother (not unlike Sue Ellen from Dallas). Moomin goes round to scream at Poline and Chloebecca tells her to shut up and stop being such a mardy cow. Ha ha ha – pwned by your infant child, Moomin!! She locks herself in her house and is mean to Gus when he tries to be nice to her but he is so saintly that he keeps trying and in the end they have a talk and end up snogging. Oh Gus, what have, what have you, have you done to deserve that?

Nurse Tanyah and Dadley decide to hold a housewarming party to get to know people and prove to Bradley that they are nice etc. Bradders and Jim won’t go however. Mrs Goggin’s and her extremely severe bun do go, but then she leaves in a huff when she hears That Bitch Elaine boasting about her date with Parklife. Every one else sits around and acts like idiots. Dadley is boasting to Babs about some fancy hotel where he pursued his adulterous affair and Nurse Tanyah is v pissed off. Dear Nurse Tanyah – I know you feel bad but sleeping with Fill is not the answer for anything ever!! In other news Nurse Tanyah has taken over the salon (and does a business plan actually on a COMPUTER instead of the back of a betting slip like everyone else). I look forward to her taking over from LadyDen as the Square’s chief head sprayer/patter. She cheers up and later manages to actually lure Bradley round for dinner but it is all a big disaster as Dadley doesn’t show up, the girls are bratty and annoying and keep giggling at him (they are pretty believable actually) and in the end Bradley says he never forgave Nurse Tanyah for being a dirty marriage wrecker and stealing Dadley from his mum. He says that Dadley is probably cheating on Nurse Tanyah RIGHT NOW and NT makes a poignant face like a lady in a Roy Lichtenstein picture… Nurse Yanyah tries to trap Dadley in his web of lies but to no avail. Later it turns out that Dadley actually is having an affair. THE SWINE!!!11!

Carly begins to appreciate the true horror of having Poline as her crypto mother in law and dumps Martin.

Smarmy metrosexual WWCTV member flirts with GADawn aka “Mrs Beale” and lets her take out a credit card in Mrs Beale’s name without any proof of ID or anything. This is going to end in tears methinks.

Chelski wants Parklife to go out with her mum and not That Bitch Elaine and so spends all the date being the worst waitress evah and getting in the way all the time. TBElaine sacks her. Doh. Parklife talks That Bitch Elaine into giving her her job back. Un-doh. Mrs Goggins is v grateful but then it turns out that Chelski can only have her job back if she dresses like a clown. I think uou can taker someone to tribunal for that. Despite the clown horror, Parklife and Mrs Goggins end up getting it on, banging a gong. Ha Ha, TB Elaine.