OHNOMI!!!
My video cut out half way through so this will be a bit sketchy, I’m afraid.

First of all, JoJo is back from her holidays and is all agog about Juley and Davetta’s forbidden love. Juley doesn’t want to lose his kneecaps in a freak “walking along and minding his own business” accident so he acts a bit short with Davetta but then tells her she isn’t dumped or anything and that they just have to be careful. Davetta doesn’t believe him until she gets Tony Bennett to start rambling on about all the painful things that could happen to Juley in the catering industry. After a lot of flaffing around, they decide to make TB think they have broken up but then have a secret affair. Jojo helps but then is jealous whenever Davetta ditches her to go canoodling with her dadfriend.

Poline is back from visiting Gay Pike and is immediately subject to Straight Pike’s annoying stalkerish behaviour. He hangs round the laundrette being annoying so Poline tells him to fuck away off. He goes to the pub and shares a laugh with other cast members about the time Poline hit Arfur with a saucepan. Ha ha ha. That was comedy gold. He goes round again in the evening and they have a fish supper in the laundrette and Poline starts acting all kittenish. Vom.

Lee discovers that his money is gone. Gasp! That will teach you to hide a lot of money in a big pile of crap (hint: other bad hiding places – in the litter bin. In an incinerator.)

It is still Ethel 2.0 countdown to death. Babs offers Fool his old job back running the Vic, but he says he can’t as he is too busy with Ethel. A nice lady doctor offers to get Fool some kind of help from the Social, but he says no as he has to be a martyr to generate enough sad faces for this year’s calendar. When Slutty finds out what’s going on she decides to help out. One of Ethel’s retarded pre-death wishes is to have tea with the queen. Obv Fool can’t arrange this so Slutty takes them all to Madame Tussauds to have tea with a plastic likeness of the Queen. At least you won’t be asked so many patronising questions that way. If Ethel wasn’t on the verge of death before, queuing on Baker St to get into the waxworks for three days will surely be enough to push her over the edge. A friend once did something similar actually, if you replace “The Queen” with “Jon bon Jovi” and replace “have tea with” with “give a blow job to”….

GADawn still hates Dole Scum Keef but then some girl who is being nice to Dasbo because he is rich is rude to her and Dole Scum Keef sticks up for her, so she likes him a bit more. Zzzz.

No-one has seen Denman and Shazza for days. Some people eventually break into their flat and it turns out that have been shagging non-stop for the last week. Ewwwww. Still, it is wise of Shazza to make the most of it before he (spoiler) probably dies in an “explosive” xmas storyline…

Phoney is supposed to be a saucy honeytrap temptress but with her sensible haircut and giant balloon head she looks more like a librarian or primary school teacher or something. She works in the vic and is rubbish. Billy decides to be her manager and arranges a photoshoot to improve her portfolio. There is much non comedy nonsense with Phoney writhing around in a tea coloured primark bodice on top of a tumble dryer in the laundrette, while a non comedy welsh photographer shouts things like “fabulous” and “give me attitude” etc. Billy sacks the photographer because he thinks he is getting too fresh with Phoney, but it turns out he is gay anyway. Oh my sides they have actually split.

Oh lordy, most of this week is taken up by the Martin/Moomin/Naomi/Agarry bizarre love quadrangle. Agarry thinks he is in with Naomi and arranges to cook a nice meal for her. Naomi is not that bothered but says yes anyway. She tries to avoid AG and Moomin. Martin is still not speaking to Moomin after “Being-drunk-like-a-common-slut-gate” last week. Whenever they try and talk they end up having a stupid row and storming off in opposite directions. Moomin tracks down Naomi and sits and moans about Martin for about an hour. Zzzz. They drink wine and Moomin concludes that her marriage is in real trouble and is possible even ovah. Oh please god yes let it be ovah. They gaze at each drippily and then end up having a snog. Gasp!! Moomin jumps up and squeals “Why, I must be really drunk!!” Sapphomi points out that Moomin has had like two sips of wine.

Moomin runs off and gives Martin a good riding and Naomi tries to snog Agarry but then runs away crying and shouts that it is all a tissue of lies. Agarry is confused. No change there then. Minty is all “Don’t toy with my boyfriend, bitch.” Naomi is sad.

Naomi goes around telling everyone that she is sad because she is in love with a married man. Moomin and Naomi talk and N says she has never fancied a girl before and it is just Moomin, whose amazing moomin powers have pushed her over the fence. Moomin and Naomi talk about going to a Gay Bar together (PS. Don’t go to the Candy Bar, it is a rough as a badgers arse) and Moomin worries about her marriage.

Martin finds out that Naomi is supposed to be having an affair with a married “man” and that Naomi and Moomin has been spending a lot of time together. Click wirr compute compute! Eventually the penny drops and he realises that his missis has been tipping the velvet etc etc. Instead of asking for a threesome he gets all mad and shouty.

Everyone argues with each other and in the end, Martin and Moomin decide that their marriage is worth saving, Naomi and Moomin decide to be just friends and Agarry and Naomi decide to be friends and that Naomi will stay in the flat. IE NOTHING AT ALL HAS CHANGED AS A RESULT OF ALL THIS PLOT!!!!

(PS (again) is it possible ever in the history of the world to have a gay plot in a soap where a gay person meets another gay person and doesn’t try and seduce their straight friend who is already in a relationship. Just a thought. Thanks)

Pat gets back from holiday and gets a letter saying that she has to be a witness in Juhneen’s trial. Gasp! (but what did you expect, Pat???) Next week: Fur-wank and JoJo Ma return!!!