TAINTED LOVE
Where are we again? Ah yes, moving on from last week's plot-tastic doings, we're well into the run-up for this year's festive funeral. Who dies? Apart from Ethel.

Can we get the Juley/Davetta “romance” over and done with first? Juley asks Davetta to be his girl however The Young People ask each other out these days.There’s a lot of to-ing and fro-ing, and it looks like Juley has been bodysnatched by Mormons. Anyway, they’re an ‘item’, so we have to deal with that concept.

MYGus gets a lot of opportunity to practise his pouting as Ian prowls the square in search of psycho dog Wellard. Apparently Ian has a dangerous dog police squad ready to pounce at the first sign of trouble. Wellard spends the week in and out of various Slater and other residences while everybody hates Ian on sight. PantoJane calls him a dick. Ian squeals: “think of the children!” Ian, everybody knows your kids could fry what’s left of that poor animal’s brain with a single look. MYGus and MMartin are tricked into revealing Wellard’s whereabouts and the police break up Big Mo’s lingerie party. Wellard is carted off to Dog Prison, and Ian shouts that the dog will never make a fool of him again. Later, Ian refuses to drop the charges because the police threaten him with wasting police time if he does. MYGus pouts and swears revenge.

IAN BEALE’S XMAS DEATH ODDS: 500 million to 1 – the Bealemeister will be collecting wives and other people’s children when we’re all dead and buried..

Fill mocks Tony Bennett and his crumbling family edifice . Tony says: 'How is your son in Sarfefrika, by the way? Does he get to see the other Minifill at all? Oh no, that's right, your ex stole her from under your nose and ran away with her, didn't she? And you’re living with your mum, aren’t you Big Man?' Later Fill sees Juley and Davetta kissing, and after his mind stops boggling, mocks Tony Bennett once more. Tony invites Juley to dinner, and they strangely don’t talk shop. After all, Juley is an ex-dealer, Tony’s an ex-gangster…you’d think they’d have loads in common wouldn’t you? But no, Tony forces Juley to confess his drug shame (Davetta must be deaf and blind not to see that one coming). Davetta stomps off. Then they split up because Davetta doesn’t want to live with lies or something. Then they’re back together. Then TB sees them kissing, and bans them from seeing each other. And then it’s on again. I lost count (and interest) to be honest.

FILL’S XMAS DEATH ODDS: What's the point? He’s find some way of coming back.

Yolande sees TriniDad flirting with laydeez and stroking a rather nifty little 60s sports car in a suggestive fashion. Big Mo gives her the number of a honey trap agency. A what? Do these things exist outside the pages of Cosmo? Yolande gets the new girl, I think. And her name is Honey! Did you see what they did there? Phoney more like…anyway. Phoney mistakes Billy for TriniDad – well, it’s easily done…NOT – and there is shenanigans. TriniDad confesses that his secret love is in fact that very same cute little car that he was fondling earlier.

Ethel 2.0 wants a game of poker, so Fool rounds up AGarry, Naomi and the Mintmeister for a night of Texas Hold ‘Em. Ethel has been watching Dave the Devil Fish on Late Night Poker, and wins everything. AGarry gets a kiss off Naomi for being a good sport and letting a dying little old lady take him to the cleaners, and thinks she might make a change from Minty.

Dasbo’s spending his secret money stash, and the Dolescums are getting suspicious. Next!

DASBO’s DEATH ODDS: Can’t we have a punt on the entire Dolescum family perishing in a blaze brought on by dangerous market tinsel or something.

Denman and Shazz get themselves a flat. There’s some nonsense about married life and dropping pennies in a jar every time they have sex. Shazz advises Davetta to write a letter to TB telling him how much she loves him, but she’s still going to go out with Juley. TB doesn’t like this and tells Shazz to stop meddling in his family affairs. This is probably Important For Later, but the most important thing is that we get a bit of Denman time.

DENMAN’S XMAS DEATH ODDS: 5 to 1. Luck ain't gonna a lady to Denman.

Phoney’s real name is Sue and she says she’s a model. Umm…yeah, I preferred the Honey story. Apparently she has some ‘glamour’ shots in her portfolio, the saucy minx. Billy offers to be her manager and I can see where this is going and I don’t want to look.

TB invites Juley and Davetta to the club to ‘clear the air’. When Davetta leaves the room, she sees Tony holding Juley’s hand a bit too long, and thinks that her dad is just getting in touch with his female side. But really he’s giving Juley a massive Chinese burn and telling him to stay out of Davetta’s knickers. Class! Juley: scared.

TB’s XMAS DEATH ODDS: More certain than the Queen's Speech.
Meanwhile Naomi’s still trying to keep AGarry at arms length BECAUSE SHE IS GAY. AGarry drunkenly kisses Naomi after a night out. I couldn’t hear this bit because our bass player was wittering about his car but Naomi looked a bit pissed off about it. Meanwhile Sonia drapes herself over MMartin and gets knocked back because she stinks of booze like a common strumpet.