DAVETTA, YOU’LL BE A WOMAN SOON
Davetta decides that she is going to give up her maidenhood to Juley (aka Andy from X Factor, who is like 40!!!). Eww. Why??? She confides to JoJo that she is a virgin and is nervous about her First Time. Jojo hints to Juley that he had better be gentle with her. They come up with some complicated scheme to fool Tony Bennett and the deed, it is done. In the morning it turns out that Davetta has activated a curse set on Juley, and that he has lost his soul and turned EVILLLL!!! Oh I wish. Instead he just acts all standoffish and makes her upset. TB is suspicious and is snooping around. Lamy has the thankless ETina task of whining that if he is too strict he will drive Davetta away. Then she spoils it a bit by going on about how men they all treated her wrong and she had much too much, much too young, etc. TB looks like he is going to explode, harasses St Gus and breaks into Juley’s room and finds a condom wrapper. Ruh roh. He runs to Davetta and says that he can’t look at her now he knows that she has been violated by bl**k c**k (sorry, but this week has a really queasy racist, lynch tastic subtext). Davetta says she is just the same as before and if he isn’t nice to her she will stop seeing him. Meanwhile Juley goes to Fill and says that it is all going too far and he didn’t mean for Davetta to fall in love with him. Yes, it is all an evil plan cooked up by Fill to torment TB and he actually paid Juley to bone Davetta. Gasp!!

Meanwhile, Jim reminisces to Moomin and Naomi about the time when he used to be a racist and Denman is nice to JoJo when Davetta ditches her for the 15th time in one episode.

TB grits his teeth and agrees to meet Juley and Davetta for a nice drink. Fill slips Juley £20 to fondle her leg in front of TB and whisper sweet nothings into her ear. Juley protests feebly but then does it anyway. Presumably Fill has developed mentalist mind control powers or something. TB is cross. Later on Juley and Davetta hook up in her house, but Juley can’t get it up in Davetta’s room with all the My Little Ponies and Bratz dolls staring at him, so they go and do it in TB’s room. TB hears them slapping and tickling and goes even redder than before. He waits til Juley leaves the room, drags him outside and threatens his downstairs area with a pair of scissors. Denman saves Juley while Fill sniggers in the background like a fat evil pixie.

In other news, Billy and Phoney fumble towards some kind of relationship, despite the fact that they are both idiots and Phoney thinks that a lace slip is suitable outerwear in the middle of December. Drippy (and her rotten new haircut) thinks that Billy fancies her again though, so I suppose we are in for some love triangle shenanigans which I do not care about in advance.

Demi is thinking sad thoughts about Leo so Moomin activates her moomin powers and tells her the sad story of Jamie and how she goes to visit his grave when she is really missing him. She misses out the part of the story where she gets married to the man who killed him, for some reason. They go to Jamie’s grave and later on Demi starts leafing through a tombstone catalogue (Argos??) as apparently Leo was tossed into an unmarked grave with the other Victorian paupers (???). Dasbo shows his stash of bank notes and says he will give her as much money as she likes to buy a nice tomb. Dole Scum Keef notices when Dasbo comes home fitted out in entire new outfit for JD Sports (does JD stand for Juvenile Delinquent, do you think?). Dasbo lies and says that Kylie bought it for him. Keef says he shouldn’t sponge off a woman. Oh irony. Later on Dasbo is dumped by Kylie when Jojo won’t serve him liquor in the Kwik-e-Mart.

Poline eventually stops mithering and tells Straight Pike that their tedious relationship does have a future. Lucky straight Pike. In other “shut up, fowlers” news; Moomin passes all her exams. Martin is pleased but then gets cross when she thinks about doing some more exams. They all start arguing again. Noooo! In the middle of all this, Moomin gran pops up and asks Poline if she wants to look after Moominspawn a bit while gran goes on holiday or has a break or something. Poline says she will think about it but is not sure about Moom-Martin rowing. Also she wants regular access as it too painful for her to keep saying goodbye. Oh, how I am sick of this storyline. It is all left up in the air.

Ethel 2.0 continues to make wacky demands of pre-death activities. I bet she is just making up random shit to torment Fool. Who wouldn’t? “I want Mary J Blige and Usher to perform in my living room!” “I want a Toffee Crisp but you have to get it from a service station near Mansfield!” Etc. Fool is getting v tired running around trying to make everything perfect for Ethel and also starts working in the Vic again. Slutty helps a bit with Ethel. They have a game of charades with Fool, Lee and Ethel and also a dancing animatronic snowman that Ethel has requested. Lee has to leave early for some reason and Ethel and Fool indulge in saccharine chit chat. Fool wants Ethel to cling on to grim life long enough to enjoy the special xmas shenanigans he has cooked up (oh god, is there another EE musical special???). In a classic moment of EE “symbolism for dummies”, the batteries in the snowman wear out and the snowman grinds to a halt. Fool turns away to attend to it and Ethel karks it right there on the sofa. Fool snivels for about 15 minutes: “Oh noes! Don’t die! Hold on til xmas! I bought one of those special roast meat things from Iceland that Kerry Katona-McFadden is advertising and I can’t eat it all on my own. Etc.”

Buh bye Ethel 2.0, how you annoyed us all by saying “Ooo, Alfie! “ too many times.