SHAM A LAM A DING GONE
One of Ethel 2.0s pre-dying wishes is to have a curry. To. Have. A. Curry. Are they seriously suggesting that she has been incapable of picking up a phone and dialing for a takeaway in her 80 years of existence, or that Fool and Backstreet never had a takeaway and let her taste a bit? What a crock of shit. Ethel invites half the square (including Slutty, gasp!) round and Fool cooks a curry from scratch but messes it up of course (as men in Walford can never cook without comedy hijinks ensuing, apart from Ian Beale, who isn’t a Real Man anyway.) Lee pays for a huge takeaway instead and everyone has a nice time. In other news, Ethel 2.0 throws away the bag where Lee keeps his stash of dodgy cash (presumably from the sale of the Vic) and Dasbo finds it all and keeps it. Lee keeps running off to stand outside HMP Lakeland Plastics with a “Free the LadyDen One” banner.

(PS. I wonder what excuse they will come up with for Backstreet not attending Ethel’s funeral…)

Sham is a bit nervous about returning to life on the Square. People give her funny looks and Silent Tracy won’t talk to her (though how can Sham tell???) until she apologises. People are mainly quite nice to her though so she cheers up and agrees to have a cocktail evening in the Vic to celebrate and “show that the Mitchells are back” (shut up, Babs). Ian comes round to be a dick and say snide things so Sham gets her bitch on, slags him off and then throws him out of the Vic physically. Go go Sham! Then the giant ice queen lawyer shows up (I don’t know her name so I’ll call her “Bent Marcia”) and says that Sham is looking at 4 years for being an accessory etc. When Sham finds out she puts a brave face on it and says she was expecting as much – but Fill can tell that she is secretly crying on the inside and gets her a fake passport and ticket to Brazil.

This week is mainly about the tribulations of the Bealemeister. First of all, Fill keeps lurking round the arches threatening to do Bad Things if Ian doesn’t give him the Arches back. He makes Minty and Agarry skive off and then waves his evil gangster wand to stop anyone bringing there cars to be fixed (don’t think about how this actually works in too much detail – you will go insane). Ian goes grovelling to Tony Bennett so TB waves his gangster wand to get business for the arches again. Ian arranges a quiz night to spoil Sham’s party and puts the prize at ONE HUNDRED POUNDS to tempt the punters. Lots of people turn up to the quiz and the Vic is empty so Fill pops round and says it is free drinks til 9. Everyone runs away to the Vic and Ian is sad, perhaps he didn’t realise that pub quizzes normally charge an entry fee to cover the prize money. Sigh. The only people left are Juley and Davetta, who form a team; Dolesum Keef and Rosie Klebb (who are counting on the money for xmas, boo hoo) and the Devil Spawn and Panto Jane. Davetta wins on account of her book larnin and Ian is mean to the children for not being brane-y enough. Jane tells him off for being a dick, stomps off with the kids and will probably be putting a stop to any “shot calling” for the foreseeable future, methinks.

Fill and Babs argue about what they should do with Sham – Babs wants her to stay so she can do her time and get on with her life, Fill thinks she should go to Brazil. In the end Sham cries and says she will go. She says goodbye to Minty and thanks him for being a good friend and invites him to visit her in Brazil. Tony Bennett overhears (tho not with his crystal clear digital TV quality CCTV this time, sadly). Dun dun dunhh!

Davetta is sad because Tony Bennett lied to her about… something. Again. She sits and mopes on the Swings of Contemplation and Juley is nice to her.

While Ian is tidying up after the quiz, St Gus and Wellard come in looking Juley (Gus is looking for Juley, I doubt Wellard is bothered) and after some carrying on, Wellard bites Ian on the arse cheek. Good. Ian vows that he will not rest until the dog is destroyed. GA Dawn helps Wellard hide the dog from the police and flirts with the semi-cute policeman to help throw him off the trail. MY Gus lets Wellard run away rather than be destroyed (or does he??? Seriously, I wasn’t paying attention to this lame excuse to give Gus something to do) and is sad. All the stall holders decide to boycott the caff to punish Ian. Jane tells him off for being a dick about everything all the time and to stop the petty feudin with Fill. They decide to just sell the Arches to Fill as it is a pain in the arse trying to run it anyway. Ian wanders round enjoying the feeling of being morally superior for once.

Dasbo buys himself a big breakfast and buys a dress for Demi. Ian asks where he got the cash from and Fill says he employed Dasbo as a minion, warns him not to be careless and then says he is too proletariat to work for him when Dasbo asks if he can really be his minion.

Oh why is there so much plot in it this week???

Agarry is jealous of Minty hanging round with Fill all the time (BECAUSE HE IS GAY). Naomi is sick of living with Dot and Jim so she gets AGarry to agree to let her move in. Minty doesn’t want a girl hanging round the flat (BECAUSE HE IS GAY) and says no, so Moomin and Naomi use Wiles and suggests that they will have lots of parties with drunken nurses having pillow fights etc so Minty changes his mind (BECAUSE… UMMM, BECAUSE HE IS GAY AND THINKS IT WILL BE DRUNKEN MALE NURSES, WHO ARE ALL GAY). Then it turns out that the spare room is all moldy and unfit for human consumption etc, so Naomi says she will take Minty’s room until they have sorted it out (shouldn’t the landlord do that…) and Minty ends up sleeping with Agarry (BECAUSE THEY ARE GAY!!!!!).

There is some nonsense about Straight Pike trying to take Poline to Brighton (Sodom of the South, and probably Gomorrah too) to see “an abba tribute band” but it all goes wrong or something. Moomin says that Poline is probably too nervous to shag another bloke after so many years. Shut up you patronising mare.

Davetta and Juley discuss what to do with their quiz winnings. Juley won’t accept his half so they decide to blow it on a fancy meal at Farragos or whatever it is called. Davetta lies to TB and says she is going to visit a school friend – she thinks he won’t approve of her seeing Juley, which is not surprising seeing as how Davetta looks like she is 12 and Juley looks about 40. btw, Juley has had a complete personality transplant and has stopped saying things like “I’m fronting, yo! Shizzle to the nizzle! That's well nang, innit!” etc. Anyway, Davetta buys a new outfit off the stall, rather than going to Top Shop or New Look like a normal teenage girl. Slutty gets her to tell her who she is going out with and they act all giggly and teenagery about it. Where is Jojo nowadays, btw? Slutty says that if Juley offers to pay for the entire meal then it means that they are MARRIED!!! (OK, that Juley fancies her). They have a nice time at the meal and – yes – Juley offers to pay for the whole thing.

Tony Bennett mocks Fill about Sham’s impending Flight From Justice and threatens to kall the kops. Sham goes around to have a non-dramatic confrontation and says that if he does that she will spread the word that he is a grass and all his friends will stop talking to him. Tony Bennett admires her moxy. There is some more pointless to-ing and fro-ing and Sham eventually says goodbye to Babs and Fill and escapes in the Taxi of Finality. She leaves the show in much the same way that she spent 90% of her time in it – ie snivelling and making duck faces. Kim Medcalf turned out to be not a bad actress but anyone would have had trouble coping with the multiple personality changes that Sham went through (dizzy floozy, gangster barbie, manipulative bitch, feisty victim, etc etc). Buh bye Sham, what are the chances that you’ll turn up a few years time with a completely new head again.