BEALE-FU HUSTLE
Everyone wonders where Curly and Lee have gone. ETina finds a gun in Tony Bennet’s pants (either that or he is really pleased to see her) and is shocked and appalled. Tony Bennett says he didn’t do anything to them and ETina doesn’t believe him. ETina has apparently been spending her new EE salary at the tanning shop, btw. Ethel 2.0 tells Fool that the boys have gone on holiday at short notice, but then someone explains that Tony’s house was burnt down and Fool fears the worse – he has a “dramatic confrontation” with Tony Bennett where he slobbers and spits a lot. I spend the whole scene wanting to wipe his mouth with a hanky. Tony Bennett says he wanted to kill them but would have been the obvious suspect and so let them go. Later on Fool gets a phone call from Lee, explaining that they have just done a bunk. Phew. Fool says that Tony Bennett is doomed to burn in hell anyway. ETina is not that bothered. Later on Tony moans about having to stay with Pat and Billy and ETina tells him off for being grumpy. He apologises and him and Pat reminisce about the old times.

Ian has a bratty fit when Mo makes fun of him and bars her from the caff. Panto Jane tells him to get a grip so he has another bratty fit and goes home to cry or rock back and forth in a corner or whatever. When PantoJane goes home he has decided that the whole family will attend an Aikido class so they can have fun together and he will learn to chill out. There is lots of talk about how aikido is non violent and gentle – hmm yes, that must be why the Japanese riot police learn it… also, is it really wise to teach your demonic superchildren to be able to kill with their bare hands? Just a thought, Ian. Anyway, Ian is a girly swot and pretends that he knows everything about aikido, even when the instructor (who looks like a member of Franz Ferdinand) throws him roughly to the ground a few times. After that, he calms down and they all have fun. Hopefully this plot will resolve itself with Ian throwing Fill through a plate glass window, into a swimming pool, or through a plate glass window into a swimming pool.

Demi has a secret meeting in the park with Lear, who has been given a black eye by Angry Dad. Rosie Klebb finds out when Slutty accidentally grasses them up and her and Dolescum Keef march down to the park to drag her home before he can impregnate her again. Dumber runs down first and tells them to split, but it is too late. They drag Demi home and have an ear-splitting row while Lear accuses Dumber of being a grass. Dumber tells Lear that he ought to shop his dad to the social for being a child batterer. Demi has just about convinced the parents that Lear is alright and deserves to see baby Aleesha when Dumber and Lear start having fisticuffs. They all run outside, start screaming again and shout at Lear that he will never set foot in Walford again! Never!

The love quadrangle continues anon. Drippy says to Fool that she is going to tell Billy that it is ovah between them as it has “gone on long enough”. You can say that again, Drippy. In fact, it has gone on much much too long already. Billy thinks that he is still in with a shot until Drippy takes him to the park and breaks his heart into thousands of tiny pieces. Good. I am sick of the lot of them. Pat comforts him (Ewww, not like that!) but then Kat says that she thinks Drippy still loves him and Billy decides that he does still have a chance. Aaargh! Will this torment never cease? Meanwhile Drippy tells Fool that he has to tell Slutty that she categorically has no chance of getting back with him. Fool asks her to come round for a special chat but when she shows up, Ethel 2.0 is acting all mental and distressed again. Perhaps she needs a new washer in the tap in her head. Ethel won’t talk to Fool but Slutty calms her down and finds out what is wrong – it turns out she got a crick in her neck and couldn’t put on her tights or something. I hate it when that happens. Fool is so impressed by Slutty’s gran-whisperer powers that he can’t dump her and says that he called her over to ask if she would help look after Ethel 2.0. Slutty agrees and thinks that their relationship is back on track. A nation sobs helplessly.

Denman and Shazza are tempestuous etc. Shazza has done something quite strange and Veronica Lake-y to her hair. Your 1940s switchboard operator drama is long finished, Shazza! It is time to move on! Denman is cross because he thinks Shazza doesn’t ever want to leave Walford so he hides in Dot’s kitchen and scrubs her cupboards for her. Shazza says that she does want to leave, but not just yet and with frequent trips back to Walford. She gets loads of boxes of doilies and nicknacks out of storage and Denman is cross again because she never told him she was going to do it. They argue that Denman is untidy and keeps forgetting to change their tickets. LadyDen spends all this time being chatty and pleasant and then making hacky faces and grinding her teeth whenever their backs are turned. It turns out that she wants to sell the Vic, pronto! You can’t SELL the Vic, you have to lose it in a game of poker or twister something. It’s the law! Shazza tells LadyDen that she wants to spend the rest of her life with Denman so LadyDen runs upstairs and tells Denman that Shazza wants to marry him. Bitch! Denman has a mentalist episode and starts muttering “It’s like Teen all over again! The lies! I can’t stand it!” He has a row with Shazza about how he can’t trust her and she is manipulating him and tells her to pack her bags so they can go to Greece. Shazza throws a glass at his head. Everyone in the Vic can hear them. LadyDen rubs her hands together and would no doubt twiddle her moustache if she had one. Shazza runs off to Losers Bench and Denman grabs some cash from the bookies and runs off to the tube station. Shazza sees that the bag and tickets are gone and thinks that he has run off. She debates whether or not to go to the airport while Poline and LadyDen lurk around like little cartoon angels and devils muttering “Go!” “Stay!” “Go!” “Stay!” etc. In the end Shazza decides to go and LadyDen punches the air. She is about to leave when she runs into Pat who tells him that Denman has just got back from somewhere. Shazza tracks him down and gives him a slap, but it turns out that he tidied his bag away like a good boy and went to change the tickets as requested and that he wouldn’t go on the lam after a stupid fight as he loves her etc etc. They joke about the marriage misunderstanding and Shazza says “God, no I never want to get married again!” Denman says that her last marriage sucked as it was to “Grunt” (he actually calls him “Grunt”) and then they somehow talk themselves into getting married. I wonder how many nanoseconds it will take to arrange this one? They go to share the news with LadyDen and, yes you guessed it, she makes a happy face and then looks pissed off as soon as their backs are turned.