EIGHT GO MAD IN DORSET
After all the excitement last week it is the LAW OF SOAP that this week has to be really shit. First of all, Parklife, Mrs Goggins, their assorted kids, Trinidad and Yolande all use Parklife's prize money to go to Dorset. In December. Right. I think a easyjet tip to malaga or something would have been more convincing but never mind.

@@@ has taken to calling Trinidad “grampa” and has started buying him horrible novelty records saying that there is no one quite like him etc etc. Trinidad pulls gurny faces and eventually confesses that it is all a tissue of lies! All the Gogginses are shocked and appalled but Trinidad says it wasn’t a scam and that he just wanted a proper family after his two idiot sons were written out of the show and everyone miraculously forgot about the whole foster parent malarkey.

Carly and Beano mooch around the village and meet a pub landlord who used to be mates with Parklife and who is something of a silver fox. Carly flirts with him but Deano keeps sabotaging it, possibly because he fancies the landlord too. Anyway, it turns out that Silver Fox is in cahoots with Parklife’s ex-wife/Carly & Deano’s mum, who is played by that hard faced one off Bad Girls who everyone thought escaped but ended up dying a horrible death in a sealed up room or something. Anyway, she contrives to meet the kids without telling them who she is. She later confronts Parklife and he goes “You’re dead to me! Our other son died and you didn’t even come to the funeral! Bitch!” He says they all have to leave Dorset and race back to London, but Mrs Ex Parklife says it isn’t over yet, oh no.

On the way back @@@ finds a pregnancy testing thing – who could it be, gosh gasp???

Meanwhile back in Walford, Prison Bitch Bert has a plot all of his own. Don’t encourage him pls thanks. He goes to visit his dying ex wife in the hospice and takes Pat instead of Mo as presumably he doesn’t want Mo stealing all the morphine and then selling it on at Chloe Becca’s nativity play. Mo is jealous and Charlie tries to be the voice of reason as usual, but as usual turns out to be the rather too high pitched voice of ineffectuality.

They bring Mrs Ex Burt back so she can die on Pat’s sofa. Umm OK – I hope those sofa cushion covers can be dry cleaned. They talk about the past and it turns out that Bert’s daughter also died of cancer without ever knowing about Bert, but that he has a long lost grandson who will no doubt be shoe horned uncomfortably into Walford in the next few weeks. Mrs Ex Bert says she wants to kiss Bert, even though he has an ugly beard (that’s no way to talk about Mo!!) and then karks it. Back to Poline’s reign of terror now please!!!