MOOMIN DOESN'T LIVE HERE ANY MORE
It would be too depressing to start with Moomin, so I'll start with Parklife instead. The Wickspawn decide that their father has to find a woman instead of moping about, cooking lasagne for Pat and watching Alien³. I agree, despite the presence of the late, great Brian Glover and at least one McGann brother, it is a pisspoor sequel to the asskicking firefest that is Alien 2. And there's no cat in it either.

Oh...right...that's not the point. Beano and Wotserface want their dad to get laid. So, they show him some dating websites via some bloke's 'borrowed' ThinkPad. Excuse me, but considering there are fewer than three computers in the square (and I do include the 286 at the Dolescums), how come everybody seems to have free wireless broadband access that allows even the computerless to tap into the Interweb? Parklife would do quite well on an internet dating site: he's solvent, sane and has all his own teeth, all rare commodities in Internet Dating For the Over 50s, according to my dad. Anyway, Parklife is more interested in getting DVDs than dates, so another of Beano's genius schemes backfires.

Billy gets the video shop back, and the flat upstairs. No, I'm not sure how he did it either. Phoney is initially nervous about catching Drippy-ness from drinking out of Drippy's old mug, but Billy does a 'makeover' that would put Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen to shame, and she decides that it's OK after all.

Over at the caff, Jane's trying to ignore Grunt's semi-flirtatious chats, but finds it increasingly difficult when Ian acts like a complete dick in front of him. Chelski mopes, but when Billy sacks her from the vid shop for being useless, Grunt wangles her a job at the caff so that she can mope about and make PJane jealous. PJane says she's not going to play Grunt's games, and then somehow they end up in the usual EE producers' shorthand for Illicit And Wrong Sex, in a Postman Always Rings Twice (rubbish remake)-style clinch on the kitchen table. Only DC Peter's forgotten PE kit saves PJane from Wrongness just before Grunt gets his trousers off. Grunt spouts some stuff about PJane being the only woman for him because she doesn't take any crap off him. They've only known each other five minutes. Anyway, PJ says it's all Wicked And Wrong, and she's not doing it any more. Grunt does that eyebrow smirky "You love it really" thing and throws some crockery around because PJane's refusal makes him go "Grrr! SMASH!". He doesn't Grrr Smash as prettily as Denman though...

Chelski's mum works in the hitherto unvisited Post Office. In honour of my daughter's current obsession with all thing Postman Pat, I shall name her Mrs Goggins. Mrs Goggins finds out about Chelski and Grant and, in a non-comedy mixup moment, mistakes Parklife for Grunt in the pub and has a go in front of Babs. She and Parklife have further altercations about one thing and another, and Parklife doesn't know whether to smack her one or kiss her...etc. I think we can see where this is leading.

Oh, I can't avoid it any longer. Moomin mopes and regrets that Moominchild will never get to watch The Wizard of Oz - thank God for that, it's the scariest film evah. Naomi gets her to be honest with AdoptoGran, so she visits AdoptoGran, who questions her on how Moominchild will be cared for if Moomin and Martin have split. Moomin tries to explain that the nuclear family is a bit of an outdated concept in these post-feminist times, and that she has plenty of support from her...ummm...girlfriend. AdoptoGran shivers and reckons that Moomin has the poor kid measured up for a pair of dungarees already. Moomin loses her chance and goes home to bewail the lot of the lesbian mother. As somebody on GU said far more eloquently than I can: "How very Julie Burchill- one week of plating and she's Radclyffe fucking Hall.."

NB: I have absolutely no idea what plating is, and I think I want it to stay that way.

Anyway, you know things are bad when MMartin is the voice of sanity and reason. MMartin arranges for Moominchild to come and stay with him and Poline on a trial basis. Poline crows triumphantly at Moomin (who runs off to snivel and blame poor Naomi again). Naomi dumps Moomin. MMartin has a change of heart and offers Moomin some quality time with Mchild at the Swings of Contemplation. Naomi apologises and wants to get back together, but Moomin is all: "Yeah, great! Love you too. Gotta go. Bye!" After a very tense tea in which Moominchild tries to break the ice by painting a cross tabby cat face on Poline, MMartin takes Moomin aside and tells her that he wants to make a fresh start with her. Moomin's little face shines at the thought of a threesome, but all MMartin wants is a divorce. Ruh, and indeed Roh.

Ooops, nearly forgot. Baby Freddie is on the mend but Drippy can't be alone with him in case she smothers him with one of those overstuffed NHS pillows or something. Drippy mopes. There's another fight with Babs when she tries to go back to work, and Ben keeps bumping into assorted Slaters trying to get the truth out of him. Fill and Grunt go "grr..." a lot. Fit Doctor agonises about doing his medical duty, but then the paediatrician discovers that Freddie's platelet count was down on the day of the alleged assault, which means that he could have got this from a scraped knee or something. Does that mean he's haemophiliac then? Anyway Drippy's in the clear, but Babs still reckons she's a child-battering headcase who should be kept away from Ben. Drippy: wetter than Rockall.

And There's bowling shenanigans in which Ian acts like a dick (again), and Fill and Ben bond some more. Ben calls Fill "Dad" by mistake. Ian smirks soppily. Save me from this drivel.