DOCTOR DOCTOR, CAN'T YOU SEE I'M GURNING GURNING
I’ll try and cover the last two weeks but what with Sarah’s family emergency and me being on holiday, it will be a bit shit I’m afraid.

It is the anniversary of Parklife’s son’s death, which gives all the Wickseses (apart from Pat) an excuse to act up and be super annoying. SO sad that I missed that particular “story” “line”. In other news, someone says that Carly is not a proper bird because she works in a garage (*sigh*) so she has a strop and dresses up all nice for the opening of Scarlett’s, but then it turns out she is wearing the same dress as GADawn and has another strop, but then they both make fun of Agarry and spray him with soda (from siphons? They haven’t had those in bars for years, its all out of a gun now..) and bond and make friends.

Ben is bullied at school. More dithering around with Ben/Ian/Fill etc etc.

Lee opens Scarletts. Davetta doesn’t want to go but then she does and has some sort of bratty fit about her evil crim dad or something.

Billy and Phoney don’t like living with Yolande and TriniDad so Billy applies for a mortgage and is sent packing with peals of hysterical laughter ringing in his ears. He wants to move back into the flat over the video shop – yes, the entire shop has reappeared out of the plot cupboard and brought a new cast member with it! A foxyish young lady with the unfortunate porn star/drag queen name of Chelsea. Chelsea is doomed to be a pawn in Grant’s evil love shenanigans. Poor Chelsea.

Speaking of which – Jane and Grant get it on at the club opening and spend a few episodes sniffing round each other, with Jane saying “oh no I mustn’t” before Ian does something dickish and she succumbs to Grants manly, um - whatever it is he has that makes the writers think he is irresistible to the laydees - and shags him again. Fill walks in on them canoodling, but doesn’t tell anyone and in the end Jane comes to her senses and tells Grant that it is ovah! Ovah I say! Grant says “OK, whatever” and starts sniffing round Chelsea instead. Jane is sad because her loins still ache for the big lunk and his new comedy eyebrow raising acting "style". Zzz, wake me up when Ian finds out.

Drippy/Fred-Deee – still not coping. Drippy confesses her convoluted soap opera past to The Fit Doctor but he doesn’t care (if he can get past that awful hair I don’t think an abusive marriage/spell in prison/rape and rape baby are going to put him off) and still wants to go out with her. They do it. He invites her to spend the night in Brighton – Sodom of the South and at first Drippy is all “oh no, I could never leave Fred-dee!” but then she thinks: “Hmm, doctor = hot! Fred-dee = annoying. I’ll go!” They are just about to drive off when there is an omen or some such and she decides she can’t go after all. (Maybe the doc should have gone anyway - I’m sure he would be very popular in the GAY CAPITAL OF THE SOUTH COAST). Anyway, when Drippy gets in she discovers that Fred-dee is in a coma – gasp - and has to rush to hospital. It turns out that he has bleeding of teh brane and everyone thinks that Drippy battered him or something. Cue Drippy saying “I would never hurt Fred-dee!” about 500 times an episode. Fit Doctor has to tell the cops about Drippy coming to the doctors moaning about the kid every day for the last six years so Drippy thinks he has turned against her. She thinks the family have too, even when they are nice to her. She recalls that Ben spent some time alone with Fred-dee and goes to rough him up to make him confess. The Mitchells are annoyed. I am annoyed too but for lots of different reasons.

Moomin and Martin argue on Moomin’s 21st birthday/make up a bit/argue some more/blah blah blah. Adopto-gran comes round with Moominspawn so they agree to pretend to be nice for the sake of appearances. Gran says she is going to change her will to make the Bickersons guardians of Moominspawn when Adopto-gran dies. Moomin is rubbing her hands together saying “Sweet!” when Martin suddenly shouts “Moomin left me two months ago and is now a big gay! It’s all a tissue of lies!” so adopto-gran says “well I never!” and storms out. Moomin is left in the Square bellowing “I hate yooooo!” through Martin’s letter box. She goes round to try and reason with Adopto-gran but A-G is all “No, the lies! So wrong!” and chucks her out. Jim and Naomi try to cheer her up but Moomin is all “Boo hoo! I’ll never see my daughter again!”

I wish.