POLINEMONY SNICKET: A SERIES OF IMPLAUSIBLE EVENTS
This is a bit rubbish as I am off on holiday soon and DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT!!!!! Anyway….

Everyone is running round going “Where is Ben?! Oh where could he be!??” The police are involved and search parties etc. It is all dramarama. Fill and Ian are taking it in turn to blame each other while Jane and Gu-want roll their eyes and check out each other’s booties. It turns out however that everyone in Walford is either blind or incompetent, as The Fit Doctor just stumbles across Ben hiding behind a step. He coaxes him out with a mars bar or something and returns him to Ian. Jane thinks they should tell the Mitchells straight away but Ian wants to let Ben settle down. Of course, Fill finds out from someone else and has a shouty fit. Ian and fill shout and blame each other some more (see last weeks entry – as the exact same thing happens another five times). They also bicker about whether Kaffee loved Fill or Ian more. If I was their dad in a car I would be threatening to turn the car round and go home at this point. Ian and Jane also bicker because Ian thinks that Jane should agree to anything he says, or else she is not being supportive. Jane goes to moan to Gu-want about the lot of them and they end up snogging – gasp! As someone on the GU board said, I suppose it is nice for Jane to get it on with someone bigger and stronger than her, for once.

Anyway, Ben goes over to the Vic for the night and has to share a room with Fill – great. He rows with amusingly brattish Courtney and then Fill decides it would be a good idea to draw their family tree on the wall. I think you’re going to need a bigger wall. Babs thinks that Ben is doing it on his own and shouts at him. Ben is sad and goes home to Ian. I see this is going to drag on for weeks.

Yet more of Freddy crying and Drippy getting to the end of her tether. JoJo is cross because Davetta is saddled looking after the brat instead of seeing about enrolling at school. Davetta says she wants to get a job and pay her way – of course, it is too much to hope that a bright girl in EE will pursue any sort of education. Drippy goes to see the fit doctor again and he acts a bit cold and distant towards her and then says that he thinks she should transfer to another doctor at the practice (what is this “practice” of which they speak – EE only ever has one doctor at a time. It is the LAW!). Drippy thinks it is because she is the most annoying woman in Christendom but no, it is because he fancies her and wants to ask her on a date. Noooo! He’s too good for her!!! They have a meal and kiss and everything afterwards. Sluts.

Speaking of sluts, GADawn goes to an interview at a model agency, but the bitchy agency lady tells her that she is too short and too old to be a model and that her fake boobs are rubbish. Dawn is all “What’s wrong with my humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps? Check them out!” but to no avail. Afterwards she lies and tells everyone she is on the books, but Carly makes sour faces and thinks she is lying. They keep arguing and eventually have a little catfight in the market. Dawn pulls Carly’s hair and Carly smacks her in the face. Later on Dawn takes to going round with a huge pair of dark glasses and saying that the black eye is ruining her career. It turns out that she drew the black eye on with felt tip and yet again Carly uncovers her perfidy.

Davetta finds out that the money is coming from Lee. She has a bratty fit and says she doesn’t want it. Charlie tells her to get a grip or else start supporting herself 100%. Davetta is thoughtful. Later on Lee says that he has heard form Tony Bennett’s lawyer and is allowed to reopen Scarlett’s and use the profits to support Davetta. Davetta agrees and the club is all set to re-open (I suppose they have forgotten that whole plot where Scarletts loses its license after Beano slips JoJo some drucks that he bought off the doorstaff. Well I haven’t!!).

StraightPike tries to get Poline to go and stay with Gay Pike so he has a week to talk Dot out of grassing him up. Poline won’t go until Str8 Pike buys half of Dewsons timber yard and strews it round the kitchen. Poline starts having obsessive/compulsive panic attacks, dumps Betty on Dot and runs off to Gay Pike sharpish. Str8 Pike pleads with Dot but to no avail and even tries to suck up to her by setting up a new DVD player for Bradley (who is getting the hang of this acting lark finally – not so much for Carly yet though…) Dot throws him out and Betty runs out too and is instantly mown down by Bradley, driving his bosses car. There is a fab slo mo shot of Jojo shouting “NOOOOOOO!!!!” like in Platoon (in my imagination anyway…) Betty twitches sadly on the floor while everyone stands around and looks horrified. Str8 Pike takes her to dog hospital and it turns out that she isn’t badly hurt after all and doesn’t even need to have one of those lamp shades stuck to her neck. Str8 Pike says that he will tell Poline that Dot is a rubbish dogsitter if she doesn’t agree to keep mum re his crim past. Dot has a moral dilemma.

It is all moot anyway. That annoying bastard Bert (I thought he was only to going to be in it for like 2 episodes! Why is she still there??) decides he wants a DVD player for himself and suddenly shows up with one identical to Dot/Bradley’s. Str8 Pike assumes he nicked it and has the brilliant idea that he will break into Dot’s house to replace it. When he gets there he discovers that Bert didn’t nick the DVD after all. Of course, Poline just happens to get home early and just happens to spot someone breaking into Dot’s and just happens to find a handy policeman who arrests Str8 Pike. Poline collects him from the station and finds out everything that happened – she wants to know why Pike automatically assumed Bert nicked the DVD player and the whole story of their crim past comes out. Poline says she will forgive Pike as long as he chucks Bert out but Pike refuses, as Bert has been his wife longer than Poline! Poline tells Pike to get out as well then. Ooooo!