FILL AND BEN THE POWER PLOT MEN
This is a shoddy crib as I didn’t manage to watch very much last week

Anyway. Someone breaks into the car lot and messes it all up. Yolande starts squawking that it is cursed! Cursed I tell you! and says that Patrick has to get rid of it before they discover that it was built over an ancient Indian burial ground or something. They offer Parklife and Pat first refusal but Parklife doesn’t want to because he is still dreaming of going abroad. Sorry mate – you are trapped in the Walford Zone forever now and will only be leaving in the Mythical Taxi of Finality. In the end they decide to take it over, with Pat providing the money and Parkilfe as manager. There is non comedy rubbish re Beano and Dasbo vying to be his chief minion.

Fill sets Carly a series of tasks or quests or something before he can decide whether to send her on day release to mechanic school. She passes. What the hell ever.

Pat finds that Lee has locked himself in his flat and is spending his days rocking back and forth and sobbing – That’s right Lee! They still haven’t written you out of the show! Doomed to be a superfluous pointless character for ever more! He later pulls himself together and offers money to Charlie for Davetta’s upkeep, which he *says* is from Tony Bennet.

Drippy is still having nervous breakdowns re the kid and generally Not Coping. Zzzz.

Davetta is staying in the Slater Tardis but doesn’t want anyone else to know, especially when the local paper comes out and it turns out that Tony Bennett has confessed to about 15 murders including the Lord Lucan and Jack the Ripper ones. JoJo sneaks around and fetches stuff for her from the shops etc and Bradley thinks she is cheating on him but of course she isn’t.

Dot thinks that Mr Benn (what do we think kids, is that a better nickname than Straight Pike?) and Bert are up to something suspicious. Mr Benn tries to suck up to her by fitting her a shower as a surprise but then Bert spoils it by amusingly pretending to ambush her with a spanner. Dot runs away, falls over and hurts her leg – thus setting up Rear Window style pastiches with Jim as, um, Grace Kelly (they didn’t really think that through, did they…)

Phoney has a dream that she is going to give birth to a cat. I am so sorry that I missed that exciting plot development.

Fill has arranged to do something with Ian and Ben but Ian receives a Message From Beyond The Grave in the form of a packet of Kaffee’s photos and knick knacks etc and blows off the appointment to sit in a darkened room and cry and rock. Fill goes mental and threatens Jane so Jane says she will press charges if he does that again. Jane has taken to wearing some dark purple lippy that doesn’t really suit her. Ian randomly decides to take the kids on a camping trip (in the first week of April?? Are you actively trying to drive Ben into Fill’s fat blubbery arms?). More Fill/Jane aggro. Fill sees his tall icy lady lawyer (aka the Snow Queen from Narnia) and is told that it would be best to come to some sort of amicable arrangement. Amicable? Am ik ub al? Fill rushes off to find a dictionary and plot his next dastardly move.

Naomi plans a surprise party for Moomin and forces everyone to attend. Martin wants to go out for a drink but all his mates are going to Moomin’s instead. He sits on Losers Bench and sulks and then spoils the surprise party for Moomin – what a bastard. I knew that divorces were messy but spoiling a surprise party??? Are there no depths he will not plumb??? Moomin is sad and then ANGRY!! Fear the wrath of the Moomin! Martin goes round to apologise but Moomin squeals that he is dead to her! Dead!!! Martin says “Fine, then you’re not allowed to see Moominspawn when she comes for tea tomorrow!” Moomin somehow uses her powers so that Martin is no longer dead to her and goes to tea with the kid. They all pretend to like each other while the kid is there but when it is over Jim says that Moomin is a nasty piece of work for manipulating people and turning into a lesbian for the sake of lame plot shenanigans. Moomin = still sad. Next day Naomi and Moomin are canoodling in the Vic. Yeah right, as if any gay would actually do that in a dog rough east end pub like the Vic! I wouldn’t do that and I am built like a brick shit house (well, quite tall anyway). Oh if only there was such a thing as a gay bar they could go to instead! (they wouldn’t even have to build a new set! Just put the pool table in the restaurant set and hey presto!). The whole point of this nonsense is for Jim to save Moomin from some lewd youths so that they can have yet another argument about Moomin switching teams and then start crying and hug each other etc.

Meanwhile Martin cops off with some blonde bit part actress and takes her back to his depressing house for some loving, only Poline runs in and says that that sort of thing is not allowed under her roof. Aargh, they are both mental! Poline – stop being such a freak and let Martin get laid! Martin! Why didn’t you smuggle the girl into your room like a sensible person? Are you really that thick? Martin points out that actually he owns a part of the roof and Poline says that “this isn’t the answer”. If cheap meaningless sex isn’t the answer then Martin is asking the wrong questions! The girl runs away thanking the gods for a lucky escape and Martin starts crying like a big baby.