THE FINAL COUNTDOWN PTIII: SCOUTING FOR BOYS

It's morning on Albert Square, and the Bealemeister has forced the bodysnatched Devil Child Peter to spend the night with him under canvas on Loser's Bench. It must be some tribute to his standing in the community that the local coppers didn't burn the tent down and cart him off to the cells, or maybe he claimed that he was a persecuted minority or something. PJane stands with her hands on her hips and shakes her head, before noting that a night in a tent with Fill Mitchell is infinitely preferable to the sight of Babs getting her wig patted all day. She also tells them that their tent has mildew. Ian tells DC Peter to get the tent dried at the launderette, and try not to get bodysnatched on the way.

Wee Ben is bouncing around the house, packing sleeping bags and trying not to look pleased at the thought of a Cruestella-less weekend. He even refuses to kiss her goodbye! Cruestella says nothing, but her eyes say that he will pay. Oh yes. He will pay.

Billy comes along for some unspecified reason, and is plonked in the back with the boys. Ian bigs up DC Peter's running ability (must be all those pagan sacrificial ceremonies) and manages to imply that Ben is doomed to failure in life because he's deaf or something. Billy too, is upset by Ian's social darwinism, but Fill knows that it's all about survival of the fattest, and merely turns puce.

Dadley reassures Tanyette no. 1 that nothing will change when Tanyette no.3 comes into the world, and offers to go to the scanning session with Nurse Tanyah. He calls JoJo to babysit. JoJo tries to point out that most mistresses don't have to babysit their lovers' offspring while said lover buggers off to the hospital with his pregnant wife, but agrees to babysit anyway. Tanyette no. 1 says: "Oh no, not JoJo, she's common." Dadley says that JoJo has been through a lot: dead dad, mad mum, irritating brother, two ginger boyfriends...and that the Tanyettes should be nice to her. The Tanyettes look thoughtful and later interrogate JoJo about her dead dad. Tanyette no. 2 bursts into tears and says that her life would end if their dad left them. JoJo looks 'troubled'.

Enough of that. Back to the camping. Once we have all got over the sight of Ian Beale in shorts (put it away, Patrick), we find them in a field somewhere in Herts. Fill wants to know where the pub and satellite sports channels are, but Beale says they're doing it the Iron man way, with real fires, wiping their bums with nettles and making flagpoles out of two bits of bamboo and some string. Fill groans and gets the tent out. Ben says he wants to sleep with DC Peter so that they can torture dormice together or something. Only the Beale tent has shrunk in the wash, so they can't get it to go up properly. DC Peter and Ben have been watching far more Ray Mears than is healthy for young boys and set about making a shelter out of old tree bark and discarded Tescos bags. While they're hunting for wood or rabbits or something, Fill gets a campfire going and cooks some sausages.. Only he does it too close to the tent and...DEATH CAMP INFERNO HORROR!...nahhhh...the Mitchell tent burns down, taking the sausages with it.

So far, so pathetic. Meanwhile, at the hairpatting salon, Toddler Bobby has decided to dress up as a fairy princess, prompting raised eyebrows from Babs, and continuing bitchiness, especially when Fairy Bobby starts chucking moisturiser at Bab's wig. The one time they need a psychotic child torturer, and Cruestella buggers off to do some lawyering or whatever she does these days.

Fill packs up to go home, but Ben pouts and says his dad didn't want to go camping all along, and now he's ruined it, and he hates him, and hates everyone and wishes he was dead etc. Back in the car, Ian starts on the verbal and Fill drives like a normal country person would drive - about 20 miles over the speed limit. More shouting. Oh no! A tree has fallen into the road (as they do on perfectly nice, sunny, wind-free days). Fill swerves to avoid it, and the Range Rover somersaults about 40 ft along the tarmac and goes crash. Oh noes! Who will survive the DEATH CRASH HORROR?!