EE: THE WRATH OF BEALE
Poor old Bradders. First he dumps JoJo for Posh Totty. Then JoJo dumps him even after he dumps Posh Totty and tries to get back with her because JoJo's secretly schtupping his dad. And the only other single non-pregnant woman under 50 is Duckface. Fortunately they share a passing acquaintance with the work of Gene Roddenberry. Well, when I say 'passing', I mean Preeti can quote entire episodes of Deep Space Nine (the one that nobody likes) at the drop of a hat. Bradders starts to wonder if a lifetime of Vulcan salutes and nanobot jokes is really a good price to pay for getting his end away. Duckface goes into major stalker girlfriend mode. Bradley: sad.
Meanwhile JoJo is 'raising the stakes' with Dadley. This means not turning up in the Queen Vic toilets when summoned for a quickie, and going out with people her own age (I think)
Deano sulks about his mother being a skanky ho again. @@ moons over Gus. Make it quick @@, he'll be off on his suspension soon. The Bennetton family conspire to send Parklife and Mrs Goggins on an Easyjet flight to nowhere (or was it Tallinn?) because as usual, nobody bothered to book a honeymoon. Atkins is told to get out of Walford (again) or something. Her revenge is to tell Chelski that she shagged Parklife and Goggins knows! Chelski says she's not picking up the pieces of Mrs Goggins' broken heart yet again, and packs her bags. Then somebody suggests they all go down the pub and Chelski decides to stay.
Over at the Vic, Cruestella reminds Ben that his happiness and well-being are entirely up to her. Fill and Ian start on the Stupid Feud of DOOM that will apparently end up in the death of a Devil Child but we don't know which one (stupid soap mags). Place your bets here, folks.
Dot doesn't want the cute baby to be registered with a doctor and acts so badly that even Phoney gets suspicious. But Phoney's got her own problems. Billy doesn't want her to test the New Phoneybaby for congenital defects because the whole thing smacks of a eugenic conspiracy to prove that his seed is faulty. Cute baby gets a mild rash that Phoney says is MENINGITIS - once again the BBC miss a chance to show viewers the right thing to do, and they end up in the a&e ward, talking to a bored nurse about missing red books and NHS numbers. Phoney offers to help Dot hide the cute baby from the authorities and gets a job in the launderette to boot. Another baby for the EE supercreche.
JoJo tells NurseTanyah to expand the hairpatting shop to do...I dunno...car bodywork? So NurseTanyah decides that taking business advice from a nymphet with a market stall is a good idea and does exactly that.
Slimy loses his job for giving GADawn a credit card. He tries to hide it from GAD, but Dr SheWolf says: "No he's lost his job, you little strumpet. Who's going to pay for your hair extensions now, eh? eh? And I'm not paying your rent any more either." Hang on, she was paying their RENT? What kind of sick weirdness is this? Speaking of sick weirdness, have GAD and Slimy wondered about the medical ethics of buying your patient's baby and pimping your husband to her in order to 'keep her sweet'. No? I'll shut up then. There is cameo appearance from the lesbian off that geek comedy drama Attachments (ahhh...how well I remember their urgent discussions of banner ads and saucy intraoffice instant messaging). This time she's Dr SheWolf's happily married sister, with two moppets in tow. Dr SheWolf tells her that she's pregnant, and Slimy's at work. But there's some kind of altercation in the pub involving Slimy and a bottle and Dr SheWolf's tissue of lies is torn asunder. Not sure if this will provoke a crazed rampage involving a speculum, but we can but hope.
DVDLi, deprived of her dope allotment, decides to advertise Mickney as an escort service. The ramifications of this are not to be gone into, not even after several stiff drinks and many hallucinogenic drugs. Mickney and Gus find out, and DVDLi is foiled! Again! A nation sighs with relief (but not that kind of relief)...
