DOWNS DOWN, DEEPER AND DOWN...
Davetta's ring is too big for her, and PantoJane's clearing every corner of the cafe in a frantic search for her engagement bauble. Pat, the East End's answer to Miss Marple - though I bet Miss M had a much fruitier past, especially the Geraldine McEwan one - eyes BroJo suspiciously. BroJo does some fancy footwork - getting the ring back off Davetta and dropping it in PJane's handbag when she's not looking for PJ to find it later and buying Davetta something from Elizabeth Duke. It's not like Davetta would notice anyway. Indeed, Davetta is so dazzled by the cubic zirconia's sparkle that she thinks BroJo flinching every time she touches him is the frisson of barely-suppressed passion.

Bradley and Stacey realise that they're not going to get swanky Docklands flats on a secretary City chap and a market stall trader's earnings, and Bradley asks Davetta if they can move into Chez Lee. Blimey, the earth has barely settled on his shallow grave and they're already going through his stuff. Davetta makes a thoughtful face and announces to BroJo that they're moving out of the Slater Tardis and into Chez Lee. BroJo nearly goes into spasms over the idea of living with the flowered borders and Barry's remains all over the cellar, and tries to spend Hallowe'en on the sofa instead of watching Davetta shake her barely-legal booty in a leather catsuit at the club. Davetta gets all teary and forces him to spend the day comparing paint swatches in Habitat to prove that he loves her. BroJo's Evil Hug Face count goes through the roof. He gets his revenge by bullying Bradley and JoJo to move in and help with the mortgage or something. Davetta ups the control ante - wow, this girl has ISSUES - and plans a "romantic surprise" weekend in Venice. Aside from the fact that the words "romantic" and "surprise" always spell "mindbending disaster" in Eastenders World, does BroJo look like the kind of man who'd enjoy being serenaded in a gondola? Think so, I do not. BroJo holds back the physical revulsion only just, and says he's not going because it's JoJo's 18th birthday and he doesn't want to miss that. Is it me, or does anybody else think that his relationship with JoJo is a bit...well...creepy? I think JoJo agrees with me.

PantoJane is relieved at getting her ring back, but NOT FOR LONG. Ian's got plans for a huge swanky wedding. PantoJane tells him that she wants a registry office do with a couple of sandwiches in the park afterwards. But then Ian's got all those inlaws from his former marriages to keep sweet, so he sends out the invites for Hotel Des Poshoes anyway. Jane throws the ring at him and says the wedding's off. Then it's on again. Then there's an engagement party in the Vic that Ian uses as a PR opportunity - I'm sorry, is Stephen Merchant his PR monkey or something? PantoJane agrees to marry him after he makes an emotional speech about switching off CJ Dave's life support or something. Ian makes an evil face, just in case we didn't realise that this is another super elaborate Bealemeister setup.

Phoney really can't cope with the concept of a child who is may possibly be stupider than her. Billy meets an old friend with a Downs kid at the Downs Encounter Group, and has lots of fun engaging with parents etc. Phoney tries not to go "Eww!". She wrecks Petal's room and runs off into the night to discuss...adoption! Meanwhile, Babs has a change of heart and says she can love Petal after all, which is nice. Because Billy has a massive care home flashback and takes Petal to live with Babs until Phoney changes her mind. Phoney does lots of weeping and looking very sad indeed, and begs Billy to come back (and bring the baby if he has to). She tells the health visitor that she has changed her mind, then gets this [---] close to putting a pillow over Petal's sleeping face, but doesn't (phew!) and sits on the bed in mentalist staring mode.

Over at the TriniDad's. Geoffrey the Fresh Butler is slimy and tells TriniDad that Yolande is a no good 'ho before disappearing off to rearrange P Diddy's wardrobe or something. TriniDad believes him. Yolande: sad. @@ calls TriniDad "grandad" and gets him to do the paternity test. It comes back negative, but TriniDad doesn't tell Mrs Goggins, and lets the Gogginses believe that they're all family - well, in EE world they probably are really. Yolande announces that she's leaving, but TriniDad says he forgives her too, so she stays. Gogginses/TriniDads: happy, but maybe with a Troubled Hug Face.

In other news: GADawn breaks up with Slimy Metrosexual, then gets back together with him. Maybe Equity was cutting up rough, and the producers had to give her a few lines so that she could keep her card. Beano and Chelski find Parklife and Mrs G in a "compromising position" over at the Gogginses' old place. Ew