BRO JO DOUGH? NO GO! D'OH!
I don’t see no nativity scene but this is certainly a crib! I was out a lot last week! I am going on holiday tomorrow! This is going to be short!

1. It is Chlobecca’s birthday and Poline and Moomin initiate CAKE WAR!!! This does not involve actually fighting with cakes unfortunately. Instead they compete to make a nice cake for C-Bec. Dot makes one for Moomin to present, as she can see what Poline is up to, and then it mysteriously ends up on the floor. (at this point I shout “Poline, you are a transparent bitch!” at the TV) Moomin has a reserve shop bought cake though. In other news, Moomin and Martin have a shag. Gasp! Vom! Etc!

2. Phoney is still not coping with the baybay. In a scene laden with GCSE Symbolism, she starts arranging a Dolls House and then throws all the toy furniture onto the floor. EE script staff now have to write “I am not Ibsen” 100 times as punishment.

3. Nurse Tanyah’s salon is not doing well so Dadley goes to a successful salon round the corner and poaches their key staff member – an asian woman called Preti or something. It looks like he wants to poach more than just her employment contract if you know what I mean and I think you do.

4. Trinidad invites Geoffrey from Fresh Prince (yes, I looked that name up – I do research!!) to tea and ends up having a drunken brawl with him. Yolande sends him to bed early and then drunkenly shags Geoffrey? Or does she? OMG drunken blackout infidelity shame! Long story short – she didn’t and Geoffrey is a fantasist and serial liar and prob not Mrs Goggins dad either. Bye Geoffrey! Back to silver service temp agency for you!

5. Ugh, I just cannot get excited about this Davetta/Brojo storyline. Basically everyone is going “ohs noes! Where is Lee!” and BroJo is smarming round Davetta and doing many soap style over the shoulder mean face hugs etc (there should actually be a short verb for this activity) and trying not to act too bored while Davetta prattles on about her Bratz dolls or whatever. Then everyone is saying that he is a bad ‘un and not to trusted and then BroJo has to persuade Davetta not to give all her inheritance to charity. It is Tony Bennet’s funeral. At some point Davetta finds that the money has gone from the club safe and suspects Brojo. The only way he can quickly think of to get her to forgive him is to nick Pantojane’s engagement ring and leave it for Davetta to handily find. He says he was thinking of proposing to her ages ago but then everything went all tits up. Davetta squeals “oh yes, lets get married!!” They then go to se the solicitor executing Tony Bennet’s will and he says that Davetta can only have enough money to live on for the time being and won’t get her mahoosive fortune until she is 21. Brojo: gutted.